


Shape of You

by CuckooTrooke



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Art, Body Worship, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kinks, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Prostitution, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2018-11-22 11:50:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 51,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11379603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuckooTrooke/pseuds/CuckooTrooke
Summary: Sauli is a rich estate agent by the day and a lonely artist by the night. His loneliness drives him to call to an escort service with an unusual request and the drop-dead gorgeous escort makes his muse to wake up again.When an artist is smitten, it's raw passion. And when an artist loves, he loves so hard it's overwhelming to them both.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay this might be interesting.  
> So originally I was meant to do this estate agent/escort fic separately from the artist Sauli fic but I noticed neither of them came together by themselves, so I combined them. 
> 
> As a result you get a fic with so many themes and subjects it may feel like a trash can of forgotten fic ideas and it might confuse your head haha. 
> 
> Also, this is my first, real attempt to write rape recovery/aftercare so bear with me. If rape as a subject is too tough for you, I recommend to skip the fic. But to clear it up, neither of the major characters do the raping.  
> But one of them is the victim.

**PART ONE**

 

Sauli tapped his fingers against the counter top, anxiously eyeing outside to the streets. Maybe he could still call and cancel. He took his glasses off his eyes to wipe the lenses with the hem of his shirt, then put them back on. 

He can't believe he called an escort service. Sue him, he's lonely and too busy for dating and too tired to search night-clubs for hook-ups. This was an easy, quick way to satisfy his needs. 

Well. 

Not exactly. His needs are a little different than one would think. 

He's a real estate agent who works long days. He makes plenty of money but lately it hasn't made him that happy. Well, it never really has, but it has given him a feeling of being able to live fully and do things he loves like travelling and seeing the world. But that's pretty much it. There's only little you can get with that, it won't fill a certain hole in his heart. 

That's still so not the point. 

Sauli walked aside from the window and sat on his couch to wait. He didn't ask for any special requirements when it came to the looks of the escort but now he feels like he should have. 

They said they most likely would have anything he could ever ask for. Long hair, short hair, blonde, brunette, ginger, muscular, skinny, tall, short. 

_Anything_. 

The thing is, he's not really going to do the sex thing. The only thing he wants and needs is a body for the drawing he's been working on. Just a raw, even flawed, male body. Behind the curtains, he's an artist. He lives for drawing, painting and photographing. That's his secret medicine. 

Why the prostitute though? Try approaching an attractive stranger and tell them you want to draw them naked like the day they were born. Thought so. 

The prostitute might run away screaming as well though. Or just laugh his face off. You can't know, but with the thick wad of bills, Sauli is pretty sure he can get naked. Just get naked. 

Sauli felt bad. For two different reasons. First off, he's really starting to have the other kind of needs too, they are coiling somewhere low in his stomach. Maybe it's the anticipation. He could have sex for money which is bad enough; To his mind it's objectifying. Second off, what if the guy ends up being someone who is not his type at all? Like,,, not photogenic at all.

Hypocrite much. Sauli shuddered at his own thoughts, and not in the good way. He couldn't even finish his long groan when the doorbell already rang. 

"I can still cancel" He murmured to himself, getting up and went to the door. He unlocked it and pushed it open, and his cock twitched instantly at the sight of the man standing in the hallway. 

He was taller than Sauli and just bigger in general. His hair was natural brown, his face was like it was molded by Gods and his eyes were piercing as he looked at Sauli who was now his new customer. 

He was wearing a sparkly top and leather pants that hugged his long legs like second skin, outlining the shape of his thighs and package. He had shapely, strong arms but not too muscly. In other words, the type of guy Sauli would check out in his free time too. Better yet, the kind of body he admires. 

Natural, cuddly-looking and _real_. 

After a several seconds of silence Sauli talked,

"Hello" he almost croaked, swallowing heavy. 

"Hello to you" The man purred with a sultry smile, "May I come in or do you want me to stand here in the hallway?"

Whatever Sauli was saying about sending the guy home, well, he changed his mind. He was physically just his type and that is the only thing that matters now. 

"Please, uh- Please, come in" Sauli said, stepping aside and let the guy enter his flat. His hips swayed perfectly when he walked, and Sauli's eyes automatically dropped down to check out his ass. And it was beautiful; So toned and perky yet perfectly plush. 

"You didn't ask for any special treats or requirements" The guy said and spun around, which made Sauli look up into his eyes, "But we can discuss, there are plenty of things I can provide. Name is Adam, by the way" He smiled. 

" _Adam_ " Sauli repeated, and Adam smiled at something, maybe his pronounciation, "I didn't ask for any special things but I must say I got lucky when it comes to your looks. You're very gorgeous" 

Except he did. He felt too afraid to say that now because for some reason he didn't want this Adam to walk away. Normally Sauli would do anything to bed a guy like him. 

"I know" Adam said, walking closer to Sauli and stood before him, and Sauli immediately noticed how incredibly good he smelled. 

"Do you really?" Sauli asked. 

"Now don't start asking personal questions" Adam murmured and his tone made Sauli feel like butter, "You have 60 minutes and you have already wasted two"

Sauli can tell already that Adam could get quite cheeky with him, and the thought made him smirk. 

"My bedroom is the first door over there" Sauli informed and pointed towards the corridor. 

"Mind if I freshen up a bit first?" Adam asked. 

"One bathroom is opposite the bedroom" 

"Thank you" Adam winked, walking past him. He sure knows how to attract attentjon because Sauli couldn't help but look after him when he walked and entered the bathroom. Sauli bit his lip and made his way to the master bedroom. 

He opened the curtains a bit more to show the beautiful view of the night-time city, and dimmed the lights of the room, then sat on the bed, his fingers still twitching anxiously. In a few minutes Adam came in to the bedroom "freshened up", whatever that meant, because to Sauli's eyes he had looked just as good several minutes ago. 

"You have a very nice flat" Adam pointed out, "You must make lot of money"

"Yeah, well. It's all relative" Sauli said dimly and watched as Adam slowly walked around his room, watching his stuff in what Sauli thought was awe, "Not as nice as my New York apartment"

Adam briefly looked over his shoulder with a cocked eyebrow and a little smirk. It wasn't a flirty kind of smirk, more of 'you expect me to believe that?'. 

"You have a flat in New York?" He asked. 

Sauli just shrugged, like it wasn't a big deal,

"And a beach house in Malibu" He added. 

Adam huffed out a chuckle, putting whatever he was watching, back on the shelf. Sauli in some way liked how Adam felt comfortable touching his stuff. He didn't mind, he didn't have anything in the shelf he didn't want Adam to touch. 

"Are you trying to impress me?" Adam asked, " 'cause honey, that's not the way to do it"

"Not trying to impress, just stating facts" Sauli said.

"Well, this is definitely nicer than the place I was supposed to go" Adam said and turned around, locking his eyes with Sauli, "But he cancelled. I got lucky"

"I think I'm the one who got lucky"

"You think?" Adam purred, tentatively walking closer to the bed and stood before Sauli, "You just met me" He whispered. 

"I know. But I just have a feeling" Sauli said and reached out to touch Adam's muscular, thick thighs. And his guts are usually right, he has learned that on his career. His career is actually a proof of that. 

Sauli curled his hands around to grasp Adam's toned ass. This didn't feel natural to him. He has a person he doesn't even know standing in front of him, willing to sleep with him as long as he gets paid. 

"I haven't bought service like this before. I don't know how some people can feel good about this" Sauli admitted but couldn't help squeezing the plush cheeks in his palms. 

Adam smiled a little,

"I thought you looked like this is your first time" he said and gently pushed on Sauli's shoulders. Sauli got the hint and he moved backwards to the center of the bed. 

"You set the tone. I'm here for you" Adam whispered as he straddled Sauli's lap. 

How can he be the one to set the tone? He might be the one buying the service but there is no way he could ever treat another person like a ragdoll. 

"And for little extra tips, we can discuss special treats" Adam purred, his lips hovering inches away from Sauli's. 

"I just wanna get laid. Nothing special, just the usual" Sauli said to him and rubbed Adam's hips with his thumbs, "Do you prefer to top or bottom?" 

Adam looked at him like he was out of his damn mind, an amused chuckle escaping his plump lips. Sauli felt bad again because that was a clear sign that Adam has not heard those words too often. 

"You don't have to be concerned about what I prefer" Adam said gently, "I'm okay either way"

"Sure?" 

Adam nodded. 

"Okay then" Sauli whispered, tipping Adam's head and locked their lips. 

"So you're a kisser?" Adam murmured, smiling to the kiss. 

"Absolutely" Sauli replied briefly, shifting Adam on the bed and pushed him down on his back. Adam seemed surprised by Sauli's strength considering he wasn't exactly a big guy. 

But of course Sauli is a kisser. That's what puts him in the mood the best. And being with a stranger doesn't change that, not when the person is as attractive as Adam is. 

"Before you get too excited" Adam interrupted as he gently pushed Sauli's mouth off his lips, "Can you put the money on the nightstand?"

"Oh, right. Of course" Sauli rushed out and slid off the bed, going for his wallet. He was supposed to do that, they told him over the phone that the money must be placed somewhere where the escort can see it and take it once they are done.

There is a chance Sauli falls asleep afterwards.

Sauli pulled out the cash and showed it to Adam, watching as he nodded approvingly, then put it on the nightstand. He crawled back on the bed and shifted Adam's legs apart, and lay between them.

"Do you still feel good about this?" Adam asked. 

"I feel like I should be the one asking that from you" Sauli mumbled. 

"Honey, I've been doing this for a long time" Adam chuckled softly, "And I am much rather here than in the place I was supposed to go. You're much prettier than him"

Sauli smiled, just looking at Adam's face. He can't wrap his mind around how pretty he truly is. Such beautiful eyes and those plump lips... Sauli stroked Adam's lower lip with his thumb. 

"You have-"

"Mouth that is made for cock sucking" Adam finished for him.

"I wasn't going to say that" Sauli frowned, "I was just going to say you have beautiful lips. I'm sure they are made for much more than just that" 

Adam smiled with a roll of his eyes,

"Thank you, cheesy. Are you going to screw me or not?"

"Absolutely" Sauli murmured, once again thinking what the hell is he _thinking_. Before he could think some more, Adam's lips were on his. Caressing, stroking and freaking _devouring_ Sauli's lips, and Sauli noticed right away Adam sure knows how to get his clients in the mood. 

At least those who like kissing because kissing Adam felt like pure heaven. It wasn't just his skills, Sauli doesn't really like kissing people he has no proper connection with. There was something else about him, his charisma or presence. 

Sauli sighed in bliss, running his hand from Adam's knee down to his hip, then slipped his fingers under the sparkly top. The soft skin made him feel even more eager to go on just like this. 

Sauli pulled away with a struggle. Like it was almost painful for him to do so. 

"I can't sleep with you" He said, pushing himself up. He rubbed his face, inhaling deep.

"Okay" Adam said, lying still like he was a bit shocked or offended even, "Not your type, huh?"

"What?" Sauli squeaked, dropping his hands down on his lap, "That's not the case"

Adam pushed himself up as well and pulled his shirt back down. 

"You don't have to try to be polite" He said, "I'm pretty sure I've heard worse. I'm sure the manager can arrange someone else" 

Sauli wanted to wipe that face off of Adam. He indeed looked a little insulted and maybe even a little hurt by Sauli's sudden decline. Like there was something wrong with _him_ and he couldn't be more wrong about that. 

"No, it's just- It's more complicated than that" Sauli said, scratching the back of his neck.

"Let me guess... You have a wife and two children but you're secretly into guys but you can't tell that because it'll ruin your career and breaks your wife's heart and even though you like dick you don't want to be one, and therefore feel guilty about calling to an escort service" 

Well, that was hell of a theory and somehow Sauli feels like it's an explanation Adam has heard quite often.

"No" Sauli stated simply, "I just,,, have a very weird request" 

Adam cocked his eyebrow at him,

"You literally _just_ told me you had no special requests"

"I know!" Sauli said, hating how squeaky he sounded even to his own ears, "I was afraid you'll think I'm weird"

"I already do"

"Thank you, I get that a lot, to be honest" Sauli said then sighed heavily, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, "I think it's best if you leave"

Adam pursed his lips and moved closer to Sauli, also sitting on the edge of the bed. The warmth of Adam's thigh against his own comforted him some way. 

"Hey, I have seen and heard quite a lot of kinks in this 'moonlight' job and I doubt you could shock me too much and make me run away" Adam said, in a surprisingly soft tone, but Sauli still thought it's for the best if he leaves. 

He can deal with never finishing the drawing. He can live with the artist's block forever.

"Or maybe you're just so vanilla that you're afraid to admit you'd like to just spank me" 

Sauli chuckled, brushing his curly hair back from his forehead. Tempting idea to be honest, Adam's ass looked very spankable. 

"I wish" he said.

"You want me to call you daddy? Hell, I can even call you mommy if that's the kind of shit you're into"

Sauli laughed again, turning his head to look at Adam. He saw him smiling in a very understanding way. 

"Let's skip both" Sauli said. 

"Then tell me what is it" Adam smiled, "I'm not here to judge you, I'm the whore here"

"Doesn't mean you can't think bad of me" Sauli pointed out. 

"Well, no, but as someone who is very often frowned upon, I can tell that it doesn't feel too good" Adam said softly and for that reason, the little confession, made him feel a little more secure about his weird request. It's just a freaking drawing. 

It's not like Sauli has something like psychrophilia so that he'd shove Adam to an ice cold bath and watch him being cold. 

"Okay" Breathed out, standing up from the bed and turned around so he could see Adam, "I'm an artist. Well, not really, I'm an estate agent, but I do art as a hobby"

"Okay" Adam said, so far he didn't look terrified and he wasn't even frowning, "Go on"

"I have this drawing that I haven't finished. I hit a major block and I can't seem to finish it without a proper model" Sauli explained, fiddling with his fingers, "I don't have many friends, God knows why. Maybe I'm an unpleasant person, I don't know. Anyway, let alone people I could ask to do _this_ so I called to the only place I could think of" 

Adam raised his chin a bit, a sign of being more curious. Or that he didn't like what he was wearing. Sauli couldn't tell. 

"All I'm asking is for you to get naked and let me use your body for the drawing" Sauli said, his face flaming red as he watched Adam to give some sort of judgment. 

First he seemed negatively surprised, his eyebrow cocked when he looked back at Sauli. 

Then it turned to a sultry smirk,

"Well, I was already prepared to get naked, so" He said, and Sauli sagged in relief. Maybe Adam doesn't think he's a complete freak, "You want to draw me? My body, to be exact?"

"Yes" Sauli wheezed, his hands now covering his face so he had to spread his fingers to see Adam.

"You haven't even seen my body" Adam stated, "How can you know it's something you want?"

"From what I can say from here, it's a body. And to be honest, I got quite lucky since someone like you walked in" Sauli said honestly and dropped his hands. 

"Well" Adam said slowly, pushing himself up from the bed and walked before Sauli, towering just inches away from him, "And that's all you want?"

"Yes. As gorgeous as you are, I can't turn my back to my principles and values"

"Okay" Adam smirked again, "Sure. Do it"

Sauli immediately went to get the supplies.

~*~ 

"So you're painting me like one of your french girls?" Adam asked, watching around himself when Sauli had lead him to a spare room where all his drawings and paintings were.

"Pretty much, if you don't mind" Sauli said, searching for the drawing from the pile. 

"No, not at all. I can be your Rose" Adam said lightly. Sauli heard the rustling of his clothes but it somehow still didn't prepare him for what he saw when he turned around. 

He almost dropped the pile of drawings. It was too close. 

He swallowed with a struggle when he scanned Adam from head to toe. He was standing arms crossed, other hand holding to his opposite shoulder. Almost like he was trying to cover himself up.

He probably wasn't, Sauli thought, he was very comfortable with the whole 'get naked' thing since he was naked before Sauli could even say "naked". 

"Okay" Sauli said, noticing how wheezy he sounded once again so he cleared his throat, "Okay. You could sit down on the arm chair"

Adam simply nodded, sitting down on the comfy looking arm chair. 

"Thank God it's not leather" He stated with a quiet chuckle when he settled. Sauli walked closer right away to place Adam's arms the way he wanted them to and to shift his thighs in the right place too. 

"Oh. Do you prefer me being hard or soft?" Adam asked. 

"For the sake of the drawing, I'd prefer soft" Sauli told him and moved Adam's leg again. He did brush Adam's inner thigh seductively just for the sake of being able to. 

"Then stop doing that" Adam said with a warning tone. 

Sauli grinned, stepping back.

"You didn't say anything about my body" Adam stated.

Sauli sat down on his own chair, pulling his paper and folder on his lap along with his pens. He looked at Adam over the top of his glasses, 

"What did you want me to say?" He asked. 

"I don't know" Adam said, "Something"

Sauli smiled,

"Something" He said, just to see Adam roll his eyes with a smile of disbelief. 

"Very funny" 

"If you're worried about what I think, please don't be" Sauli said, not really wanting to go through the whole consolation thing with a stranger. He knew what Adam needed, he needed those few words. 

_You're perfect_. Sauli didn't want to say those words.

"Okay, I won't" Adam murmured, "But would you please stop looking at me over your glasses like that?" 

Sauli chuckled, dropping his eyes from Adam and looked at his work in progress. 

"But isn't this an easy gig to you?" Sauli asked, taking his pen and made the first line on the paper, eyeing Adam. 

"Meeting up for a fuck with an old customer whose dick is as hard as it can get the second you walk in, is relatively easy. Sitting in front of a stranger all nude and letting them stare at you, is relatively _not_ easy. Especially when you look at me like you see through me" Adam said with a chuckle that Sauli recognized as nervousness. 

It'd probably be easy to just tell Adam he looks absolutely stunning just the way he is, Sauli doesn't want to go there. He'll never see Adam again after this, anyway. 

Adam wasn't ripped by any means, but he had well-proportioned muscles in his arms, shapely thighs and perfectly shaped midsection, at least that's how Sauli sees him. 

"Otherwise, sure" Adam added, "My jaw is already tired from the previous customer. And my a-"

"Thank you for that bit of information, really appreciate it" Sauli chuckled and glanced at Adam's eyes, before Adam could go on any further with the details.

Adam just grinned. 

Both of them grew silent. Sauli can't focus 100% if he keeps talking and Adam doesn't talk if Sauli doesn't encourage him to. Sauli felt so light and easy when he was brushing the pen over the paper, he has been working on this for almos too long and it feels amazing to get it going. Just let it out.

Especially with a person like Adam. 

"Can I ask you something?" Adam asked, surprising Sauli. 

"Sure" He replied, not stopping his process and kept shadowing the person on his paper. 

"You could have just googled a male body. Why didn't you?"

Sauli peeked at Adam's eyes over his glasses again,

"A picture on the screen is never the same as the picture in real life" He replied simply and shortly.

"Makes sense. But did you know there are people actually wanting to do _this_? They sit nude in front of entire art classes. Why not to go to a class like that?"

"Now don't start asking personal questions" Sauli murmured, returning his eyes on the paper. 

"Sorry. Didn't think it could be a personal question"

The silence came again. Sauli was being surprisingly quick yet careful to capture each and every little thing on Adam's body. Okay, he might not draw _all_ the freckles, it could take a while before he'd get them all. 

Sauli felt his cheeks heat up when he reached Adam's package. Impressive even when flaccid, he thought. Adam must have noticed the flush on his cheeks because he smirked. 

He bit his cheeks immediately though when Sauli looked at him over his glasses. 

"Sorry"

"It's fine. I'm not drawing your face" 

"You're not gonna capture my flawless face?" Adam gasped, "I'm offended" he joked. 

"Unfortunately, no"

"So you drew my body on someone else's face? That's like an ancient photoshop"

Sauli chuckled,

"One thing at a time"

~*~

Sauli smiled in satisfaction when he looked at his work and put it in his folder. It felt like a rock had rolled off his heart, as weird as it may sound. He was happy Adam was able to lure his muse out of its cave.

Or maybe it was Adam who plaid the muse, who knows. 

Sauli put the folder on the table and turned around to see Adam wiggling and jumping when he was pulling his pants on. 

"You need a hand?" He teased. 

" _No_ " Adam hissed, "Might have needed a hand to take them off, not pulling them back on"

Sauli kept chuckling. 

"You know, for someone so rich, you'd think you have an air conditioner in this room too" Adam groaned, finally managing to pull the pants around his hips, "Try pulling tight leather pants on when you have even a little bit sticky legs" he said, almost panting. 

"I'll remember that. I'll invest on an air conditioner next" Sauli said. 

Adam grabbed his shirt from the floor too and pulled it over his head. Sauli was almost sad for the covered skin and even sadder when he realized he will probably never see that body again. 

Sauli lead Adam back to the bedroom and grabbed the wad of cash from the nightstand, then handed it to Adam. 

"Right. I almost forgot you can make money this easy" Adam winked. 

"You just told me it wasn't easy" Sauli pointed out and Adam cocked his eyebrow at him, huffing a little,

"You remember every word I said, don't you?"

"Pretty much" Sauli shrugged, "I get attached on details and remember the smallest things people say"

Which is true. He can read people rather easily, he notices small movements of their body and their facial expressions more easily than many other. Sometimes he reads too much into them though which leaves him being a little paranoid and anxious.

Which on the other hand might be one of the reasons he can't seem to find that many people around him, in addition to being generally busy, of course. He has some friends, sure, but there is something missing. 

_Someone_.

"I can imagine. So,,, was that good for you too?" Adam asked jokingly when they left the bedroom. 

"Absolutely amazing" Sauli grinned. 

He came to realize Adam is really leaving and it nearly caused his heart to physically ache.

Sauli grabbed Adam's head and pushed himself on his tiptoes, feverishly bringing their mouths together. Adam gasped in surprise but got into it in a second, moving his lips against Sauli's. 

At least Sauli is getting a proper goodbye kiss. 

"Thought it was all you wanted" Adam murmured. 

"It was" Sauli said, almost out of breath, pulling away and let go of Adam, "This is how I say goodbye"

"And you wonder why you don't have any friends" Adam smirked. 

Sauli chuckled. 

"It was a joke" Adam stated just in case. 

"I know" 

"Well, I shall leave now. Thanks for the fair pay" Adam said with a soft smile. Even his eyes smiled when he smiled like that, so it must have been a genuine smile. 

Didn't take a lot to figure that out. 

"You're welcome. Thank you for agreeing to this unusual request" 

"My pleasure. I prefer that over any other kink" Adam infromed, "Except the spanking. Maybe foot fetish because they rub my sore feet. Or felch-"

"Yeahyeahyeah" Sauli interrupted with a snicker, shaking his hands in the air to make Adam stop the talking before his own dick would grow interested in the kinks too. 

Adam grinned,

"You're weak. You might have been too vanilla for me"

It was probably a joke again but Sauli smile was partly sad. It didn't convince Adam since he said,

"Sorry. Again. To be honest, I'd kill to have someone vanilla for the act itself every once in a while" 

"Would you think low of me if I wanted to see you again for the act itself and be incredibly vanilla?" Sauli asked curiously because hell, he's having those thoughts. He shouldn't have but he can't help himself after seeing Adam's body. 

As an artist, he has always had a sensitive soul, a weakness for small things that make life more wonderful. He appreciates people and their outer beauty as well as inside beauty, flaws and all. He's not saying Adam has any, he can't know without knowing Adam as a person. 

But damn what he would give to show some appreciation to that body.

"Why would I think low of you?"

"Because that's what people do. Frown upon people who buy sex"

The side of Adam's mouth twitched,

"Without people who buy sex, I couldn't make a living, so I'm not frowning upon anyone. Once again, as a hooker I don't think I have much to say about other people's 'hobbies'. Besides, why do you even care what I think?"

"I have an enormous need to please people. I get severe anxiety when I know someone thinks badly of me"

Adam smiled softly yet cocked his eyebrow,

"For someone who has achived so much, you'd think you'd have a little thicker skin" He said. 

Sauli just shrugged. 

"But don't worry, I wouldn't think badly of you. I'd probably come back running if you called" Adam said, pulling on his boots and left without any further words. Once the door closed, Sauli sighed heavily and raised his glasses to rub his eyes. 

There is a chance he can't resist the temptation of seeing Adam again. For the act itself.


	2. Can you leave the boots on?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauli meets up with Adam again. Twice.  
> Adam notices Sauli really has an exceptionally detail-oriented mind who reads people just like another page of a book.

Sauli found himself thinking about Adam when he was looking at the picture he had drawn of him, about a week later they had first met. He paid a good amount of money just so Adam would sit still and be naked. Not that he even notices the lost money, he'd have enough to buy another beach house if he wanted. 

Sauli now hated how the drawing already had a face beforehand and he only used Adam's body. He didn't need a picture to remember Adam's features but it'd be nice to just look at them now that he feels some kind of odd longing for him. Especially when the face is a person he carries a major grudge against. 

The face didn't deserve such a flawless body. Sauli clutched on the paper and threw it aside before he'd tear it in half. 

Sauli's phone beeped on the table again. Sauli unlocked it just to brush the email notification off. He knows he needs to get back to work but for some reason it feels like something that interests him the least right now. 

Sauli put all of the drawings he was browsing aside and focused on the laptop screen that had the contact info of the escort service company, open in one tab. He was standing between two fires, between his principles and his desperate needs. The thing is, the second Sauli had seen Adam's body, he fell in love with it. 

As superficial as it sounds. 

Adam had the kind of body Sauli adored. Not just because of the ridiculously long, gorgeous legs or his perfectly broad shoulders. He was overall gorgeous, so real. With flaws and all. 

Sauli couldn't really see any flaws but if he was told to guess, and then he'd ask Adam to name them, he would most likely be right. 

What is he going to do if he meets him again? He can't just paint him again. Prostitution is Adam's job though, or moonlight job, and he'd obviously would agree to almost anything Sauli would ever ask. Sauli would die to bed a man like Adam but it felt wrong to buy that service. 

He could only dream of having someone like Adam to actually desire him back just as much. And not just someone _like_ Adam but _Adam himself_. Sauli sighed, grabbing his phone and dialed the number. 

The manager, or who ever it was, picked up and Sauli told him his name and that he wanted to meet up with Adam. Of course they just had to have several Adams in their list and Sauli was asked further questions about the Adam he wanted to see. 

Sauli described his looks and told the manager he appeared to be a little cheeky if needed, but was mainly a very nice person. First the manager had snorted a chuckle, mumbling something about how the personality is not the thing the customers often describe, and how it's a secondary trait when it comes to this business. 

However, the manager knew who Sauli was talking about and he said Adam will arrive as soon as he's done with the earlier customer. Sauli almost wrinkled his nose. 

It took almost an hour before Adam arrived to his place, looking just as fresh as ever unlike Sauli had imagined. He feared Adam runs from one place to another without even having a chance to shower. 

Adam was wearing skin-tight ripped black jeans and a see-through gray shirt under his leather jacket. What Sauli noticed first was his height, and he looked down at Adam's feet to see him wearing high heeled boots. Well, platforms. Actually, a little both of them. 

"I didn't really expect to see you again" Adam smirked, walking inside while Sauli's jaw was still hanging on the floor. 

"I didn't expect to see you again either" Sauli admitted, "But I guess I couldn't help it"

"What are you going to do this time?" Adam asked, "Paint me?" 

Sauli smiled, breathing out a nervous chuckle.

"I actually thought this time I wouldn't use any kind of pens or brushes" He said and showed some gentleman features by taking off Adam's jacket and hanging it to the rack. Adam chuckled quietly, a little surprised by the kind gesture.

"Sounds fair and good enough" Adam smiled. 

"Yeah" Sauli said, taking Adam's hand and led him to his bedroom. He let go once inside, pulled out the money and put it on the nightstand. Adam nodded approvingly, and sat on the bed, removing his shirt without wasting any of the minutes Sauli has with him. 

"So,,, it's like moonlighting?" Sauli asked, trying to calm himself down and watching as Adam pulled his foot up on the bed and was about to unlace his shoe, "Can you leave the boots on?"

Adam smirked, 

"Sure I can but I need to take them off first so I can take my pants off" 

Right. Sauli's brains didn't work fast enough. Adam was wearing incredibly high-heeled boots and they looked so fucking hot on him. They were black and sparkly, all inviting and luring, and Sauli wanted nothing more then see them raised high in the air. 

"But yeah, you could say that. I do have a regular job too but I don't make nearly enough to pay the rent and feed my dog" Adam told him and pulled the first boot off, then begun to work on the second one. 

"You have a dog?" Sauli squaked excitedly, "I love dogs"

"Yup" Adam smiled.

"Do you like your 'job'?" Sauli asked. 

"Do you ever stop asking silly questions?" Adam asked, not irritated but a little amused by Sauli's curiosity, "There are customers I enjoy and there are customers I hate more than anything. Does that answer your question?" 

Sauli didn't say anything. He didn't want to annoy Adam with his questions. After all, he's not here to answer to his questions but to satisfy his sexual needs. This time.

But he couldn't help himself,

"In which category I belong?" 

Adam smiled, glancing at Sauli under his brows and pulled his other boot off. 

"Judging by our first time together, definitely not the 'customers I'd rather never see again'. We'll see after this"

Sauli can take that. He'd hate to be the kind of person Adam grows afraid of. Adam unzipped his pants and pushed them down his legs, and pulled them off his ankles along with his socks. Even his calves looked inviting, they were toned and smooth-looking from the distance Sauli was looking at them. He was sure they had fair hair on them though. 

Adam's toe nails were painted black.

"Are you popular stuff?" Sauli asked, swallowing hard and raised his eyes from Adam's feet. Adam chuckled, slightly shaking his head as he pulled the boots back on and laced them. It's amazing how Adam was able to make it all look so smooth and effortless, considering he had to take them off first, then pull his pants off, and then get his boots again. 

It would look awkward with anyone else. 

"You really need to stop asking questions" Adam said and moved to straddle Sauli's hips, "But yeah, I guess you could say so. But I'm not here to talk about my popularity or my other customers" he said as he leaned down closer to Sauli's face. 

"I know but I feel curious" Sauli murmured, reaching out to run his hands down Adam's bare sides. 

"Well, don't" Adam stated, pulling Sauli's glasses off his eyes and put them on the nightstand, "Can you see without these?"

"I can still see you. Not as clearly and not every detail but luckily I remember a lot"

"Mm, like what?" Adam asked with a seductive purr and let his lips hover over Sauli's, very gingerly brushing them against each other. Enough to make Sauli slightly raise his head from the pillow so he could capture Adam's lower lip, but Adam pulled back with a playful grin. 

Sauli closed his eyes, swallowing heavy and licked his lips, imagining he could faintly taste Adam on them. 

"Like the freckles on your lips" Sauli murmured and opened his eyes. 

"You're the first one of my customers to mention them" Adam said, and Sauli couldn't quite read the tone of his voice. 

"They don't pay attention to detail" Sauli replied simply, rubbing Adam's hips with his thumbs. 

Adam let out a quiet chuckle, out of nervousness or amusement, and sat up on Sauli's lap. He crossed his arms over his chest, 

"And do you do that a lot?" he asked.

"I love details. Makes everything a little more special. Details are the things that separate us from others. We all have the same body parts but details make them personal" Sauli said, closing his eyes again because he found it easier to think and remember that way, "There are billions of eyes on this planet but none of the eyes I have seen look like yours. They looked more grey the last time I saw you but now they are more blue, must be the different make up that creates the illusion. The unique shape and depth of them makes them insanely beautiful"

Sauli opened his eyes again and looked at Adam, still sitting still on his lap. 

"I can't see it clearly but I imagine you're blushing" 

"You stop that!" Adam almost whined, gently swatting Sauli's arm, "Makes me unease"

"Sorry. Never meant to do that"

Adam scoffed, leaning back close and locked their lips before Sauli would analyze and remember the rest of the details on his body. He has already learned Sauli likes kissing the most when it comes to foreplay. Sauli laced his hands on the small of Adam's back and appreciated, actually freaking _loved_ , the sultry seductive arch of his back. Sauli wonders if he could maintain it if he decided to fuck him on all fours.

He's pretty sure Adam could, though. He's just awesome like that. 

Shortly, Sauli pulled away from the kiss and flipped Adam on his back on the bed. Adam sighed softly, not minding the position change. Sauli let his lips slide from Adam's mouth to his jaw and along the bone to his ear. 

He kissed the ear then gently nipped on the earlobe. 

Yet another sigh escaped Adam's lips and Sauli wanted to hear more of them. He wanted to hear every single sound Adam could pull, what _he_ could pull out from Adam, to be exact. 

Swiftly, Sauli got rid of his own clothes and got back to kissing Adam's skin. He flicked his tongue around Adam's ear and the puff of his breath made Adam slightly jump. Sauli smiled, running his hand down Adam's arm and noticed he had goosebumps.

He took both of Adam's hands and pinned them against the pillows. He then ran the tip of his nose from the inside of Adam's wrist to his armpit.

"Hey...!" Adam squeaked, his hands twitching in the hold, " _Stop it_ "

"I'm sorry, I wasn't going to stay there. Just passing by" Sauli said and let his lips slide to Adam's chest. He kissed his nipple, then gently sucked on it. He was rewarded with a quiet gasp and a slight arch of Adam's back as he subconsciously seeked more of the kisses. 

Sauli felt his own desperation run thorough his body, the heat burning in his veins. He let go of Adam's hands and sat up between his legs. He rubbed the inner sides of Adam's thighs and which made Adam open his eyes and look at him. 

"I have one more question to you and I want you to answer honestly" 

"Okay" Adam sighed, "Bring it on"

"You prefer the top or bottom?"

"You don't have-"

Sauli scooted down and pressed two fingers on Adam's lips,

"I told you to answer honestly. Not in the way that would please me or you manager" He whispered, pulling his fingers off. 

Adam bit his lip and seemed a little unease. Which Sauli found odd because you'd think he'd be unease doing something he doesn't 100% enjoy rather than when he's being asked what does he like the most. 

"I do prefer the top. But it doesn't mean I hate the other end. It's just a preference" 

Sauli had the feeling. 

"I can live with that"

The truth is he doesn't mind which role he gets. He much rather sees Adam enjoying it as much as he does and that happens most likely when he gets the role he prefers.

~*~

Sauli clutched on the body that was moving next to him.

"Shh, go back to sleep" Said, more like whispered, Adam's voice, "I need to leave"

Sauli opened his eyes to see Adam leaving and whether he liked it or not, he had to unlatch his arms around him. He wasn't really even awake. He acknowledged Adam getting up and pull on his pants and shirt but his eyes were fluttering all the time. 

He still reached out, at least tried to reach out, for Adam. Without succeeding, though. 

"Go back to sleep" Adam whispered again and this time Sauli felt him press a kiss between his eyebrows, "Thank you"

With that Sauli drifted off and only woke up the next morning to his alarm going off. He groaned, grabbing his phone and brushed the annoying sound off. He rubbed his eyes and sat up on the edge of his bed. 

He noticed the wad of cash lying around on his nightstand and he frowned. Maybe Adam was in a rush and completely forgot about the money. How come though? This is what he does for a living. It's almost like forgotting to check if you received your pay in a normal day-time job.

He grabbed his glasses and put them on. He was too drowsy to understand the real content of the accident. Why would Adam skip such a big amount of money just like that? Sauli just couldn't understand. 

He slipped the money to his wallet and got up. He did his usual morning routine which meant getting washed up, making a cup of coffee and having a breakfast. He has to go his office to grab some papers he forgot there the other night and then he has several property showings around the town. 

After breakfast he pulled on his suit and new, shiny shoes. He grabbed his wallet, car keys and case, and left his flat. He obviously went by the car although he hates LA traffic sometimes. Getting from one place to another would be so much easier by walking. 

But since he has to move all around the city, he might have to walk _a little_ too much and a little too quickly for his feet. 

His co-worker, Jennifer, caught him when he was leaving his office. 

"Hey, you! I haven't seen you in ages. Where you've been?" She asked, walking with him to the elevators.

"I've been incredibly busy lately. Even today I have 7 property showings and some paper work I need to get done" Sauli told her when they reached the elevator and got in, "And in just three weeks I have to fly to New York"

Jennifer looked at him with a weird expression, at least that's what it was in Sauli's opinion. She leaned against the elevator wall,

"Don't over-do it. I know you're heartbroken after your break up but drowning yourself to work is not a solution" 

Sauli sighed, giving her a look,

"I'm fine"

It's been a long time since he broke up with his ex. They didn't really match that well and the guy wasn't able to bring out the best in Sauli. Sauli knows he can be a little difficult to deal with sometimes but he's not doing it on purpose. His schedule is crazy and sue him, he might be a little weird. It's probably the soul of an artist that haunts him that way. 

He still didn't deserve all of the bad things the relationship caused. 

"If you say so" Jennifer smiled but it wasn't a happy smile, "We need you here. We couldn't bear a 4-week sickleave from you" she said and went to the different direction from the elevator when it reached the parking lot floor.

Sauli sighed, rushing to his car. He tossed his case to the passenger seat and headed to the first property showing. 

First showing was for a family with two small kids, second one for a couple who wanted their first own home, third went to the same category and fourth to a wannabe actor who had recently moved to LA, hoping to get big in the big, bad Hollywood. 

After the first four showings, Sauli headed to a coffee shop nearby. He told his order to the desk and went to sit in a booth seat near a window.

He pulled out his phone and browsed through his emails. 

He was still browsing them when a barista brought his order to his table with a tray,

"One medium latte and egg sandwich, right?"

Wait.

That voice. 

Is scarily familiar. 

Sauli looked up at the barista and saw a face so familiar he nearly dropped his phone on the floor. The barista looked very much like Adam and Sauli had to raise his glasses and look at him with bare eyes too. 

Still looking the same. 

"Do you have twin a brother?" He asked, propping his glasses back on the bridge of his nose. 

"Oh, yeah. My brother's a hooker" The Adam look-alike said. 

"Huh. Well, that would explain things" Sauli said, more to himself than to the barista because he was sure he was getting so tired he started to see Adam's face everywhere.

"It's me, you goof" The person said with a hiss, "How did you find me?"

Sauli blinked. 

"Well, to be honest, I wasn't particulary looking for you, I swear" He convinced, pulling the tray closer to himself and started to tear the plastic foil off his sandwich, "I just happened to be in this part of the city for a property showing"

Adam crossed his arms and looked around to make sure no one was paying any closer attention to them.

"What are the odds of you _accidentally_ popping to the coffee shop I happen to work at the day after you've brought my other services" He hissed. 

"Technically, I didn't buy it since you left the money on my nightstand" Sauli pointed out casually, taking a first bite out of his sandwich, "You seem a lot nicer in your other job"

A humorless chuckle escaped Adam's mouth,

"You wouldn't be so nice either if you were being stalked" 

Sauli looked up at Adam with confused, rounded eyes,

"You think I'm stalking you?"

Adam just shrugged, his expression not changing.

"I could never" Sauli convinced, his tone a little softer after seeing that Adam was actually being serious about it, "I swear to you I ended up here by a pure coincidence and my intention is not to harm you in any way" 

Adam sighed, nodding slowly. He briefly went to tell his co-worker that he'll take a brief intermission, and then he appeared in Sauli's booth, sitting on the other side of the table. 

"Sorry about that. A job like mine can easily make you a bit delusional sometimes... I've had _those_ customers come here during the day and they'd sit here until I leave" 

Sauli got shivers. Definitely not the good kind. It was a familiar feeling he once got when he was walking on a dark valley all alone and he saw a few men walk just several steps behind him.

"Don't sweat it, I understand your timidity" He smiled. 

"And about the money last night, I-"

"Here" Sauli said before Adam could even finish his sentence, and he pulled out his wallet and the cash he had saved for Adam yesterday. 

Adam looked almost panicked when he glanced around himself again, quickly pushing Sauli's hand away so no one would see. It would look rather suspicious to other people if they started to exchange money. 

"No, I still don't want it" He said. 

"Why?" Sauli asked with a small frown, pushing the cash back into his wallet, "Was it that bad that you don't even feel like taking money from it?"

Adam chuckled quietly, shaking his head as he looked at the table surface,

"You really need to work on your self-esteem" He said, "I didn't want it because I felt like the whole act was _for me_. Not for you. I explained to you in the note I left?"

Sauli wrinkled his nose and sipped his coffee. It wasn't a comment on the taste of the coffee but on Adam's words. 

"What note? I didn't see any note. That sounds like a poor explanation"

"Maybe you should take a better look when you go home. I left it on the nightstand, maybe it fell on the floor or something. And honestly, even if it was bad, it wasn't by the way, but _if_ , do you really think that it would make me skip such easy money?" Adam asked with a crooked smile and Sauli could only shrug.

How is he supposed to know? This whole scenario is weird enough to him. 

"I also thought you're too pure for this kind of shit" Adam added softly and Sauli frowned at him, asking what the hell is he talking about, "You don't want the stigma on you. Trust me"

"It's not like the whole city knows I was about to buy sex. Don't act like you know me" Sauli grumpled to his coffee cup. 

"I'm not, I'm just stating facts" 

"And how do you feel about your own stigma?" Sauli asked. 

Adam shrugged nonchalantly. 

"It's not like the whole city knows" 

Oh, he is playing this game. Almost like a word for word, so to say. Sauli refused to say anything more and so did Adam, sitting back with his arms crossed, a challenge on his face. When Sauli said no more, he dropped the subject.

"Anyway. Look at us being all 'normal' now and by the evening we're like two totally different persons" Adam said with a little smile and Sauli couldn't help but join the smile, "It's like a Cinderella story upside down. Except I never really have the glam experience"

Sauli chuckled. Exactly like Cinderella. Except he feels way more fabulous during the day time with his suit and neat hair, and this entire 'Blonde, skinny and rich' scenario. When in the evening his hair is messy and he's comfortable in his old, ugly gray sweats and worn-out top. 

And he draws nude people. 

Well, not just nude people. He has painted a night sky and the view from his window too. He'd go around to paint and draw way more if he wasn't so darn busy all the time. 

Adam on the other hand... Obviously Sauli doesn't know. Adam said he doesn't have the glam side of the story so maybe he hasn't met his fairy Godmother yet. Looks wise,,, Sauli can't even decide. 

While the night-Adam has overwhelming sexiness pushing through him with those sparkly seductive clothes and black eyeliner, the day- Adam had something more innocent in him. Something sweeter. 

"Well, just like Cinderella, I'm sure your wish will also come true" Sauli said with a small smile and tore more of the plastic foil off his sandwich, "Just gotta keep dreaming"

Adam scoffed, not really buying it. 

"I wish. Been trying to dream this double life away for a while" He mumbled, leaning his head against his hand.

"Waiting for the prince Charming?"

Adam chuckled,

"What makes you think I prefer a prince?"

Shit.

"Oh! I'm sorry. I just thought since you do that with men and how excited you were last night..." Sauli babbled, feeling the flush rise on his cheeks. Damn, if he read it all wrong and Adam is not even gay. That'd be like pulling a rug off underneath his feet.

Adam grinned, looking like he got some crooked satisfaction from the way his words made Sauli squirm. 

"I do prefer a prince over princess" Adam finally admitted, "It was just funny teasing you"

"I can only imagine" Sauli grumpled, rolling his eyes, but it just made Adam snicker more. 

"Anyway, I don't need a prince to save me. In fact, I don't need to be saved and I don't need to be protected" Adam pressured, "I'm entirely capable of doing that on my own. In addition, I'm doing this because I want to. Nobody is making me to do anything"

Adam sounded almost too worked up for his words to be true. Sauli always thought if something should be clear or generally known, it shouldn't take so much convincing. He could be wrong. Which he is, probably, but that's just how he has seen things so far.

"I believe you. I still hope you can find another way to make a living" 

"And how does my living affect you in any way?" Adam asked, not irritated but genuinely curious. 

"Well, I find you a pleasant person. Of course I'd like you to have a 'normal job' with a decent pay" 

And because I kind of don't want anything bad happening to you. Of course Sauli couldn't say that. 

"Thank you? Anyway, how can you act so normal though?"

"It's my job to be normal during the day so people would buy properties from me" Sauli said and sank his teeth to his sandwich. He hasn't really had time to eat today so the simple sandwich tasted surprisingly good.

Adam chuckled tiredly,

"No I mean how you just sit here, casually ignoring the fact that I'm a whore who you bedded last night" 

"I haven't defined you by what you decide to do in your free time to make a living. At least you're not a hired serial killer" Sauli said half jokingly and half serious. He _really_ was glad that Adam was only an escort and not making any other desperate choices. 

"I appreciate it" Adam smiled, "Do you want me to define you by what I saw last night or what I see now?"

"I actually wish that you'd define me as a whole like I do with you" Sauli suggested and shot Adam a look over the top of his glasses, "I'm not two different persons. I'm not the one you've met after hours but I'm also not just the guy who's sitting here with you now. I'm both"

Adam kept smiling. It was almost a challening smile, if Sauli read him right. He had no idea what Adam was challenging him for though. 

"Well, this is the first time you're talking to a normal low-paid barista. You can't define me by that because you don't know that person" 

"You're right and I certainly hope it's not the last time" Sauli said and took a sip of his coffee, "But let me tell you, the person who walked inside my flat last night might have been the escort but the person who walked out before the dawn was you. The person who got into my bed wasn't the same as the one who left and you know it yourself too"

Adam looked at him for a while, his smile slowly fading. Sauli feared Adam may get upset with him but on the other hand, he didn't really look mad. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't make assumptions like that" 

"Nono, I'm not offended, it's obviously true, I just-" Adam said and Sauli literally sagged in relief.

"Hey! Don't just sit on your butt the whole day even if there are cute guys!" The girl from the desk yelled at Adam. 

Sauli glanced over and saw a small-ish young girl desperately trying to serve all of the customers alone. 

"Oh damn, I didn't mean to get you into trouble" he said to Adam. 

"Don't worry about it, she's cool" Adam chuckled, briefly glancing towards the desk, "But I feel like she doesn't want to serve all the customers alone"

Sauli nodded understandingly. 

"I gotta get back to work" Adam smiled apologetically as he got up from his seat. 

"Will I see you again?" Sauli asked.

"You have my number" Adam pointed out. 

"No, not like that. I'd prefer like this. Casually. Talking" 

"My number works both ways" Adam winked and left the table. 

Sauli was once again left staring, mouth hanging open. And not just Adam's ass but his backside as a whole. 

 

He finished his lunch and returned to work to finish his property showing round. When he finally got home in the evening, it was already 8.30 p.m. Before he did anything else, he went to his bedroom to check if Adam had really left a note of some sort on the nightstand. 

He didn't see anything on the surface nor the floor no matter how many times he looked, and he started to believe Adam had tricked him. It still didn't explain _why_ he left the money behind. 

When he crawled on the floor, he noticed a piece of paper underneath the nightstand. He pulled it out and read it,

_Keep your money, I don't want them._  
No one has ever ever touched me the way you did and for that, I owe you my entire life.  
I hope I was able to give you what you needed as well.  
In case we don't meet again, I wish you all the best  
Xx, Adam 

The air left Sauli's lungs when he finished the letter. For a second he had feared something lot worse than this. 

He got up from the floor and fell on his bed, holding the letter to his chest like a teenager falling in love. Surely it wasn't love that bubbled inside of him but it was something else. And if he wants to find out what that is, it means he has to see Adam again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll get the juicy sex scenes too, I promise. This I wanted to leave to _your_ imagination, I'm sure it's fabulous.


	3. Always thought I would sink so I never swam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauli takes Adam to his beach house. Some revelations are made.

Sauli did what Adam had suggested him to do. He took a day off. Before he muted his phone though, he texted Adam and asked if he'd like to accompany him at some point of the day. He made sure Adam knew that he didn't mean _that_ kind of meeting but maybe just for a chit chat. 

He told him he'd be spending the noon painting in Malibu, El Matador beach, and that they could meet up afterwards. Sauli knows he's playing with fire, he doesn't want to develop any deeper feelings for Adam. 

It would only end up hurting him considering Adam's indeed a hooker. Sauli already despises the idea of Adam sleeping with other people. He doesn't judge him or what he does, he just doesn't like the idea of it. It always starts a sickening sensation in his guts when he thinks about Adam sprawled out on the bed in front of someone else. 

And it's not just that either. Sauli really wants to know Adam and what thoughts, wishes and fears go through his mind. He doesn't even know if Adam has many friends he shares those thoughts with.

"You want an ice coffee?" 

Sauli glanced over his shoulder when he heard a familiar voice, and saw Adam holding up two cups of iced coffee. He was wearing regular jeans, a tank top and fancy sunglasses. 

"Uhm, sure? How did you find me?" Sauli asked, watching as Adam walked closer to him.

"Well, you told me where you are so I drove here. It wasn't hard spotting you" Adam said and sat on the sand, on Sauli's blanket to be exact. He handed Sauli the other coffee and kept the other one himself.

Sauli was more than just surprised by how Adam had just popped into Malibu and was now sitting next to him, watching his painting with an impressed smile and like it was the most normal thing in the world for him to be there right now. 

"That looks really awesome" He said.

Sauli stared at him, his brush in his other hand and coffee in the other. 

"What?" Adam asked with an amused chuckle.

"Nothing, it's just,,,What are you doing here?" He asked.

"You invited me to spend time with you so here I am" Adam beamed. 

Simple as. 

"I told you we could meet once I return home. You didn't come all the way here just like that, there's gotta be a reason" Sauli stated, finally tearing his eyes off Adam and figuratively pulled his jaw off the ground. He dipped his brush to the light blue color and continued working on the sky in his painting. 

Adam sighed and groaned all at once, falling on the ground on his back. He was careful not to spill his ice coffee. 

"Okay so I had a customer here and I figured I might as well meet you in here" 

"Hm" Sauli hummed. He couldn't help but feel a little jealous when he thought about Adam in bed with someone else maybe not even an hour ago. 

It wasn't long until Adam bolted back up and from the corner of his eye, Sauli could see he doodled on the sand with his fingertip. He couldn't make any sense out of it yet though. 

"Does it bother you?" Adam asked, brushing whatever he was doodling, off the sand. 

"Does what bother me?" Sauli asked. 

"Me doing what I do" Adam said, giving the doodle another try. 

Sauli sighed quietly. What is he supposed to say? 'Yes it bothers me that you sleep with others because I'm selfish and I feel like I should be the only one who is entitled to sleep with you'. How could he? He has met Adam three times and just because he's nice enough to also just talk with him, doesn't make him a better person than the rest of those people who buy sex from him. 

In fact, hardly anything makes him a better person. Maybe Adam's other customers are nice to him too so there is nothing that would make him stand out. 

"You can do whatever you want with your own life" Sauli said and switched his brush to a smaller one. 

"Right" Adam mumbled, swiflty wiping the picture off the sand again, "We might as well go to that beach house of yours" he said as he got up, brushing the dry sand off his clothes. 

Sauli looked up at him and frowned,

"What-?"

" _Or_ I also have my car parked not too far away from here if you'd prefer the intense tight space kind of fuck" 

Sauli's eyebrows shot up and he shook his head in confusion, blinking, like he was trying to make sure if he is seeing and hearing right. 

"Isn't that why we're here? Although you could have just bluntly said it and not be such a pussy about it"

An accidental chuckle escaped Sauli's mouth. Not because he found the situation funny in anyway but because he was just so confused. He made it very clear that he doesn't want Adam to think he wants to see him because of his services. 

But because he wants to spend time with him, whatever that might mean and include. Adam looked like he got even more irritated by his chuckles though. 

"Didn't I tell you that I have no secret motives?" Sauli asked.

"Then why am I here?" Adam asked, his tone already more calm, "And don't give me that 'I just genuinely want to talk to you' kind of crap. Tell me something I haven't heard before or don't say anything at all"

Sauli looked into Adam's eyes and imgined that he looked impatient, insecure and anxious. However, Sauli was so focused on Adam's eyes he almost forgot he was meant to answer a question.

"Thought so" Adam mumbled. 

Sauli bolted up and grabbed Adam's arm before he could even turn away. The fear of Adam walking away and that he might never get to see him again crossed his mind.

"No, wait. You're here because I want you to be. You're here because I find you insanely attractive and I want to be around you. You can define what it means to you; Talking or sex, or both" Sauli blurted out, gazing into Adam's sparkling blue eyes, "But I only want you to be here if you want to be here" he added, letting go of Adam's arm with a struggle because he didn't want to see him walking away. 

But neither did he want to make him stay if he didn't want to. 

"And you're not asking anything in return?" Adam asked, a little suspiciously.

"No. I'm not asking you to give up on your 'job' because that's the kind of change that has to start within' you. The question is, _do you want_ to be here or not?"

Adam sighed, not taking his eyes off of Sauli's. 

"I do. On one condition though" 

"And what's that?"

"You need to show me that beach house" Adam smirked, "And some more of your art"

"Deal" Sauli grinned.

~*~ 

They drove to the house by Sauli's car and agreed that Sauli could drive Adam to his own car whenever he decides to leave the place. Adam's jaw fell when he saw the luxurious beach house.

It fell even more when Sauli guided him inside the house and saw the slide doors made of glass, opening a view to the deck and pool, and even more importantly, the bright blue sea. 

"Wow. You must live like a king" Adam said in awe, walking to the said doors and looked outside, "Wow" he sighed once more. 

"I don't spend that much time here to be honest" Sauli admitted, walking after Adam when he saw him push the doors open. Once again, he was like at home, not afraid to touch things. 

"How come? If I were you, I'd be here all the time" Adam said with a dreamy sigh as he closed his eyes and bent his head back, letting the sun caress his face. 

Sauli on the other hand couldn't take his eyes off that face. 

"It gets lonely in a house like this. I prefer my flat in the city" Sauli told him, "And I also don't really have time"

"You would have time if you wanted. You're entitled to have free days more often than once a year" Adam said, bringing his head back up and opened his eyes, "And I live with cockroaches" he cringed and crouched down to touch the water in the pool.

Sauli almost flinched. The idea itself was rather disgusting but the thought of _Adam_ having to live like that, clutched his heart. Especially if he has a dog. 

"I could try to find something for you. Something with no cockroaches yet something you could afford" Sauli suggested. 

"I live in Hollywood and I refuse to leave" Adam said as he glanced around at Sauli who stood there with determination, willing to take the challenge. A cheap, cockroach-less flat in Hollywood might be a difficult combination but he has had more tricky ones. 

"Hey, you're talking to the most successful realtor in the entire Los Angeles" Sauli said, his voice almost whiny, "If not the entire _world_ "

"Oh, shut up" Adam snickered, splashing the water on Sauli, making him squeak, "I think you need to work a little more to reach that"

"Hm, so a free day only once in two years" Sauli joked. He jumped backwards before Adam could splash more water on him. During a moment like this, Sauli forgot what Adam was doing in his free time from coffee shop. This felt so normal - Like Sauli had brought a date to his house. 

"Ha ha. Instead of wasting your time to find me an apartment, can you show me more of your house?" Adam asked with his best puppy eyes and there is no way Sauli could say no. 

Besides, why would he? 

"Sure. Follow me" 

Sauli lead Adam through the downstairs first where the kitchen, dining room and living room were. In addition there were several bedrooms and bathrooms too. Upstairs was for the master bedroom and bathroom. 

"How can you not spend more time here?" Adam asked in disbelief when he saw that the master bedroom had its own balcony and once again, a perfect view to the endless sea and sky. Oh, what would he give to spend just a few nights on the balcony with an ice cold drink, watching the sunset. 

Sauli didn't say anything, he had already explained so he found the answering meaningless.

Adam noticed an empty frame above the headboard of the bed and he cocked his eyebrow questioningly at Sauli. 

"There's gonna be a painting there. Or a photograph. Abstract art. _Something_ " Sauli said but it just made Adam more confused since the frame was empty, "It has to be exactly that size, I just still need the photo. I know it when I'll see it"

"So the frame is just there,,, Waiting for something to fill it?" Adam asked and Sauli nodded. 

"Basically, yes" 

"Huh. Familiar feeling" Adam said thoughtfully. Sauli wasn't sure if he meant it physically - the dirty kind of way - Or did he mean it more emotionally. Feeling empty mentally and waiting for something to stop that. Then again, Adam told him that he's mostly happy and he doesn't need anyone to save him from a 'miserable life'. 

It's all these things that make Sauli want to get to know Adam even more. He could believe whatever Adam tells him but somehow he feels a little skeptical. He isn't saying Adam is unhappy, he's just thinking there must be more to him underneath it all. 

"And who's that?" Adam asked, pointing at another framed picture on the wall. It was a backside of a man; From shoulders to a narrow waist and firm buttocks. 

Sauli glanced over, scratching the back of his neck,

"That would be my ex. Haven't been here a lot so apparently it's still there"

Adam pursed his lips,

"You should take it down"

"Why?" 

"Because it's not good to linger in the past" Adam stated like it should be obvious to him. Sauli thought Adam looked almost a little jealous. He can't say for sure because he doesn't know him that well but that'd definitely be his guess. Adam did a very good job at hiding it though. 

There's nothing that could quite explain _why_ would he be jealous. 

"I can take it down once I have time" Sauli said. 

"Good" Adam beamed, walking up to the frame and pulled it off it's hook, placing it on the floor against the wall. Facing the wall, of course. 

Sauli's eyebrows jolted up in surprise. He has paid attention to the way Adam behaves in his home; Touching stuff and looking at it freely. However, Sauli didn't see _that_ coming. 

"Okay. Thank you?" Sauli chuckled, amused. 

The smile Adam gave him was almost sheepish and it surprised Sauli after such a bold move. Adam sat on his bed and looked at him, biting his lip,

"Is it true what you said earlier?" He asked. 

"That I was going to take it down?"

"No. What you said on the beach. That you find me attractive and you want to be around me?" Adam asked. 

"Yes" Sauli stated simply and eyed Adam curiously.

"Why?"

"Just asking" Adam shrugged, looking down at the bedding and stroked his hand over the fabric with a little smile. Sauli couldn't help a dreamy sigh that escaped when he looked at Adam. He thought Adam looked absolutely gorgeous right now, being a little flustered and nervous. 

Sauli wanted to ask what Adam thought about him but he was too afraid of what he might say so he decided to live with what he has now; Adam in his beach house. In his bedroom, to be more specific. He'd be happy to have Adam anywhere, as long as he'd be with him. 

Sauli took a deep breath and gathered his courage as he walked closer to the bed and sat down, finding it surprisingly hard to do. But it was even harder to inch closer once he did. 

When his knee touched Adam's, Adam raised his eyes from the bedding and locked them with Sauli's. Sauli felt a wave of nervousness run down his spine. He briefly looked at Adam's lips and then back into his eyes.

It felt hard to decide which to look at. Those luscious, plump lips Sauli wanted to devour or those piercing, mesmerizing eyes Sauli wanted to stare into forever. 

An unconscious shift brought their heads closer, both of them slightly tilting their heads to align their mouths together. Adam was the first one to go in for a kiss. 

Sauli closed his eyes when they locked their lips. 

In just seconds the kiss turned more needy and they fell on the bed with their legs tangled together, clutching on each other's bodies. 

When Sauli reached for Adam's belt, he was stopped. 

"What?" He asked, panting against Adam's wet lips, "You want me to pay?"

"No" Adam said right away, "Of course not. But can't we just be like this for a while"

Sauli squinted his eyes a little, questioning what Adam was saying.

"You know,,, just kiss. And touch like that" Adam smiled again almost sheepishly, meaningfully glancing down at their bodies where Sauli's hand had found his ass and was not gently grasping on it. 

Sauli just nodded. The puffs of their breaths made his glasses to become steamy and Adam giggled, reaching out to take them off and put them aside before going back in for the kiss. 

He rolled them over and lay on top of Sauli's body.

~*~ 

Sauli trusted that Adam trusts him. Even a little bit. Because he went to do his paper work to the coffeeshop Adam works at, and he doesn't want Adam to think he really is stalking him.

He isn't. He just enjoys looking at him, obviously. A lot, since he chose such a noisy place to do his paperwork at when he could have as well chosen his peaceful office. 

Adam is a big distraction though. Don't objectify, Sauli told himself when he couldn't tear his eyes off Adam's ass when he bent over to clean one of the tables. Then again, he's only a human. 

When Adam finally noticed him, he flashed Sauli a cheeky smile instead of looking all terrified that Sauli was sitting there and even giving not-so-innocent looks to his direction every now and then. When Adam went back to the desk, his co-worker started giggling with him and Sauli caught them glancing at him. 

Sauli didn't even try to hide his grin as he turned his focus back on his laptop. Adam, and especially his smile and laughter, put him in such a good mood but he couldn't help but feel a little gloomy too. _That's_ what he has been missing in his life for so long. 

Even though he's no longer a teenager, he'd love to have a good friend to giggle with over a cute boy. But his life has been nothing but work, work and work. How is he supposed to maintain a social life when all he can do is work?

Speaking of that, back to work. A man in his mid-fifties contacted the agency this morning and told he'd like to sell his house in Burbank because he got a job from Shanghai so therefore he no longer has any use for it. 

Sauli couldn't see why the guy just didn't keep it. As long as the property is insuranced, he'd have a kind of 'safety net' in case things go downhill very bad. But eh, Sauli's not complaining. More houses for sale is more work for him. 

Which can be both good and bad, to be honest. Before he used to think it was all good but lately he has seen other priorities in life. He doesn't want to start naming them, though.

He has to go to take a look at the house later today before he makes any further decisions. 

From the corner of his eye, Sauli saw Adam clean the table near him. He wasn't satisfied with the view he got from the corner of his eye, he had to take a proper look. 

Damn. It really is a nice one. 

"Quit staring at my butt" Adam said and turned around. By the sultry smile on his face, Sauli concluded he was joking. Sauli smirked at him, 

"But I don't want to" He said with a playful pout. Adam rolled his eyes and smiled, turning back around to finish cleaning the table, then carried the cups and plates away behind the front desk. 

Like always, Sauli's eyes followed him. Adam's co-worker noticed his dreamy eyes and she bit back a grin, trying to nudge Adam as un-noticably as possible but of course Sauli noticed it. Soon Adam turned around to glance at Sauli, turning away immediately when he saw him lookong. Then he hushed his co-worker but she just kept grinning. 

Sauli turned back to his laptop when Adam went to a new customer at the desk. He kept typing until Adam came to his table, taking his empty plate and coffee mug on the tray.

"When does your shift end?" Sauli asked. 

"Right about now" Adam told him with a smile as he glanced at the clock, "Why?"

"Just wondering. If you would have wanted to go somewhere" Sauli suggested, feeling a little sick to his stomach because he feared nothing more than rejection. Especially from the person he is starting to really fancy, "With me, I mean" he added. Awkwardly and unnecessarily.

"Oh, uhm,,," 

_Oh, uhm_. Nothing good ever starts with oh uhms. If Adam rejects him now, he desperately needs to find a way how to sink under the floor and hide from everyone. He was so _sure_ that Adam enjoyed his company as much as he did Adam's. 

"You don't" Sauli blurted out and to his mind, saved the trouble from Adam and finished it for him.

"Oh, no, it's not that I don't want to, it's just that I already made plans with my friends and after that I have,,, other things to do" Adam explained with an apologetic smile and suddenly his co-worker stood next to him, taking the tray from his hands.

"Of course you will go. I understand and I'm sure others will too" She said with a cheeky smile, "Right?"

"I guess so. Thanks, Ali" Adam smiled and leaned down to give the girl a friendly hug. From the look on "Ali"s face and the way he patted Adam's back, Sauli could see she cared for him and loved him very much. Must be more than just co-workers. Good friends even.

"Just text me when you come back from you-know-where" she added, a lot more seriously, and gave Adam a firm look once she pulled away. If Sauli was Adam, he wouldn't be saying no to that.

Adam nodded,

"You know I always do" He said to her, then turned to Sauli, "I just change very quickly" 

"Yeahyeah, no rush, take your time" Sauli said, flashing Adam a smile before he started to gather his stuff from the table. He made sure to get all of his papers and documents, then he shut the laptop and slipped it into his bag as well. Then he just sat there waiting for Adam to come out of the staff area. 

And tried to calm his nerves. He had completely forgotten how utterly lovely yet horrifyingly vulnerable a little crush can make you feel.

It took a few minutes before Adam came back. The question that rised first was where to go, and while Adam suggested the park nearby, Sauli suggested Adam's own place. Needless to say Adam was in denial at first, saying he couldn't possibly drag Sauli to his lame one room apartment after seeing his Malibu house.

Sauli told him it doesn't matter a shit how many square meters his apartment happens to be and that he'd just like to see where he's living in. And obviously also meet his dog.

Adam gave in.

The second Adam unlocked the door and entered, the dog came to greet him enthusiastically. The high-pitch in Adam's voice when he talked to the dog made Sauli smile and his chest felt warm.

Even warmer when Adam picked him up and showered him with little kisses. 

Adam let the dog down and his interest now went on Sauli. Sauli let him sniff his clothes first before he crouched down to reach out his hand. 

"Hi you" He smiled, "Aren't you a cutie. What's your name?"

"He's Pharaoh" Adam told him with a smile.

"I wish I had a furball like you to cheer me up after long days" Sauli said and pet the dog behind its ears.

"What stops you? You have money" 

"Yeah, but not time" Sauli said a little gloomily and stood up. He glanced around the apartment and saw that it didn't look nearly as bad as he had imagined and feared before. 

It was actually pretty tastefully furnished and there weren't cockroaches running around on the floor. 

"You know, I imagined something a lot worse" Sauli said as he scanned the room. The only "bad" thing he could spot is the worn out paint on the wall in one corner.

"Just wait when I turn off the lights" Adam chuckled, "But naw, it's not as bad as it used to. I had some exterminators here a while back that got rid of them at least for now. Thanks to my extra money, I was able to afford it" he told Sauli and hung his coat to a coat rack near the door. 

Sauli let his bag down on the floor and followed Adam further inside the apartment. 

"You just ate and had a cup of coffee so I assume you don't want anything?" 

"No thank you, I'm good" Sauli smiled and sat on the couch. Pharaoh accompanied him immediately and continued his process to get more familiar with Sauli. Adam came to sit down on the couch as well, raising his legs on it too and sat sideways, facing Sauli. 

Sauli briefly glanced at Adam and saw him smiling as he eyed the way Pharaoh kept sniffing at his clothes. Sauli chuckled when the dog climbed on his thighs and raised his front paws against Sauli's chest as he leaned closer to his face.

"Are you done yet?" he asked, gently pushing Pharaoh down before he'd start licking his face. 

"He has to know who is interfering his space" Adam said. 

"Is this spot his or what?" 

"Not necessarily. But I'm his space" 

"Am I interfering you?" Sauli asked, blocking Pharaoh's access to his face by his arm, "I'd like some other word better"

"Entering?" Adam suggested cheekily.

 _Cheeky indeed._

Sauli gave Adam a look,

"Haven't done that either" He pointed out. 

"Not yet at least" Adam beamed. 

Sauli's heart was skipping beats just because of Adam's presence but his words made it skip two instead of one, leaving Sauli feel a little breathless. The image running through his mind was rather tempting, setting all of his senses on fire. 

"Mm" Was all Sauli could murmur.

Before he'd get too lost in his thoughts, he eyed Adam's bookshelf and all the photos he had there. He didn't have too many but enough to add that personal touch to his apartment. 

Sauli noticed a photo with a large group of people, and he spot Adam from the middle. 

"Who are those people in the big photo with you?" Sauli asked. 

Adam glanced over,

"Friends of mine" He said with a smile. 

"So many" Sauli whispered, "I wish I had too" 

"You keep saying you wish things to happen but you do nothing to make them happen" Adam said, he almost sounded a little frustrated but Sauli couldn't be entirely sure. 

"Trust me, I have tried" Sauli said, his breath hitching when Adam shifted closer to him. 

"I don't believe you" Adam said confidently yet softly, "You have won me on your side in just about a week so I can't believe you couldn't make friends if you just made time for it"

Sauli shrugged,

"Yeah, well. Work is all I know"

Adam gave him a sad look, slightly shaking his head like he couldn't understand how Sauli's brains worked. Which is no wonder, Sauli doesn't understand his own head most of the time either. 

"You know, back in your beach house I had this thought... I thought how wonderful and blissful it must feel to wake up, knowing everything is perfect in your life"

An amused chuckle escaped Sauli's lips before he could stop it,

"You think my life is perfect?" 

"I did" Adam admitted, "You have money, a job you love, a beach house where to relax and fuck, the way you _look_ "

"I have let work become my life. But you have _the life_ ; Friends, family. The life I have is not life, it's constant pressure to please, to be perfect, to speak fluently and effortlessly and smile all the time" Sauli said, sounding way more frustrated than he intended to. 

He was happy that Adam still listened and that he was able to clear it up. Adam thought his life is perfect? That's just silly. He's pretty sure no one's life is and his life is definitely not perfect. 

Quite far from it. 

"I might have several houses but not what makes them homes. Maybe you have less material than I do, maybe you struggle to make a living but you're still way richer than I am" Sauli added quietly and looked at the framed photo on the bookshelf again, "You have people who love you"

He sighed, long and heavy, praying that Adam was still paying attention. He felt too embarrassed to actually look and see if he was even listening to him. Because to him, his whining might even be annoying. 

After all, from the outside his life is pretty damn good. 

"When I travel the world, I don't long back home because I have nothing or no one to long after. I just,,, I feel like I don't really belong anywhere" Sauli said, almost whispered, "But you belong there. With those people around you. Look how happy you all are"

He felt Adam's breath breezed against his cheek and the faint turn of his head made their noses touch. They didn't kiss, they just nuzzled their faces together which Sauli found surprisingly comforting and relaxing. 

"You could belong in my life" Adam said quietly, his nose brushing against Sauli's skin, "And I could belong in yours"

The side of Sauli's mouth twitched to a half-smile,

"You already do. You've waken up my muse and I need my art to keep sane. And suddenly the priorities in my life are switching places... "

Adam smiled, letting his lips hover over Sauli's cheek before he sweetly kissed the skin,

"That good or bad?"

"Good, I'd guess. Even though it makes me long for things I don't have,,, miss something that I never even had" 

"Like what?"

"Friends. A boyfriend. Well, I had a boyfriend but not the kind of boyfriend I wanted" 

Adam chuckled quietly. Sweetly, if Sauli could add. It sounded so innocent and light. 

"I can be a friend. Not sure about the boyfriend part... I'm not exactly the ideal boyfriend material" 

Which might be true. Sooner or later it would kill Sauli to think and know there are dozens of other men screwing his boyfriend. Especially when he can't just ask Adam to quit; He needs the income. It's just another job, he keeps telling himself but there is no denying it wouldn't hurt at some point. 

"I don't feel smitten easily. It's personally very difficult for me, I don't know why. And you're the only one I can even imagine touching" 

It hurt to talk and say these things, be this vulnerable and honest. But he had cracked his own door and there is no way he will shut it down now. 

"And I don't mean just sexually. I wanna pet your hair and hold your hand. Rub your feet. Lay on your chest and listen to your heartbeat" 

The sound Adam made was unreadable to Sauli. But in case it was pain, he added:

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be sorry" Adam whispered but it sounded like he was struggling to talk. He cupped Sauli's cheek and inhaled deep, "Just... Kiss me" he pleaded. 

Sauli didn't need to be asked twice. He brought both of his hands on Adam's face and brought their lips together. 

If he only knew where this was going and what was even going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the mistakes/typos. Finished in a hurry tonight because I wanted to hold onto the regular updates.


	4. Now do you see?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauli and Adam has grown more ease around each other. Adam faces something he never ever wanted to face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okiii, on we go with the part two that is mainly focused on _rape_ and its aftercare. Loving someone back to life.  
>  And feelings. Buried feelings. Fears and doubts.

PART TWO

"Imagine you're a man married to a woman and have two teenager girls and one little boy" Sauli said to Adam, not seeing him cock his eyebrow since he was eyeing the screen of his laptop but he could imagine it happening, "Would you prefer a 2000 square feet house with three bathrooms and smaller bedrooms, or larger bedrooms for each but only one main bathroom"

Sauli was once again at his beach house with Adam. They had spent the night in there and now Adam was getting ready for his "night-time work". Or at least he should be getting ready. He's only lying on the bed while Sauli does his own work on his laptop next to him.

Sauli has been seeing Adam for several weeks. They're not dating, not officially at least, but they have met each other regulary. Sauli has felt like standing between two fires though. While he didn't want to ask Adam to quit his "job", he wanted to believe it was just another job like Adam had said, he still felt uncomfortable and obviously jealous whenever Adam left his place to do this specific kind of work. 

"Well, if the teenagers take nearly as much time getting ready as I do, own separate bathrooms would be heaven. But then again, too tight bedrooms aren't good either" Adam said, stretching his arms, "But who am I to say? I have done just good with my small ass apartment"

Sauli just smiled. He didn't really expect a proper answer to rely on, he knows what he is going to do, he just felt like asking Adam. Almost like inviting Adam to his work space. 

"Can I take a shower?" Adam asked as he sat up. 

"Of course" Sauli said with a crooked smile. Adam eats from his cabinets and uses his oversized clothes without asking so he really didn't need to ask if he could use the shower. 

"I'm done with today's paperwork" Sauli informed when Adam suddenly brought his face close to his, "Maybe I could join you in the shower?"

Adam chuckled, 

"I don't think you want to join me"

"What'd you mean?" Sauli asked, murmuring almost, and chased after Adam's lips. 

"I gotta prepare myself for my customers" Adam murmured back, pecking Sauli on the lips. 

Hm, okay, maybe Sauli gives Adam some privacy for that. His preparing probably contains manscaping and possibly an enema, so. He doesn't necessarily want to see that. 

"Oki, maybe I'll just prepare for the gym then" Sauli said, stealing another kiss from Adam. Seeing Adam has made his life a little less hectic. The thing is, before he met Adam, he didn't really have much else to do than his work. He wanted to be best in his job, which he still does, but he's not living for that. 

He used to hit gym occacionally to keep himself in shape but now he has made more time for it. 

"I'll probably go home after leaving his place" Adam informed, "Pharaoh has been with my friend for a couple of days and I miss him"

Sauli pouted but he nodded. Adam kissed his cheek and scooted down from the bed. They both heard some rustling when he had stepped off the mattress and Adam looked down at his feet to see some papers lying around on the floor. 

The papers weren't bright white but more of faint shade of brown which could only mean they are Sauli's art work and not his job stuff. 

"Hey I found some of your drawings" Adam declared with a smile and bent down to pick them up. Sauli's eyes widened when he realized he had _not_ put them in his drawer earlier the day when he made them. 

Adam had taken a nap around the afternoon and Sauli couldn't resist the beauty of his peaceful face. Nor the beauty of his ass. Nor the beauty of his entire being, to be honest. 

" _No_ " Sauli firmly said, scooting on the other side of the bed and tried to grab the drawings but Adam wouldn't let him, "Give them to me" he added, sounding more squeak-ish than commanding. 

Adam grinned when Sauli stood up and tried to reach them again but Adam only had to straighten his arm up and he wasn't able to reach them.

"What? Why can't I see these?" Adam asked. Sauli was about to grab the waistband of Adam's briefs just to keep him still for a second but he managed to step back a few steps. 

Sauli couldn't do anything else until Adam was already looking at them. Sauli closed his eyes, sighing heavy. When he opened them again, Adam was looking at him under his brows. 

"I'm sorry" Sauli said, slightly annoyed that Adam had not listened to him when he told him not to look at them. He still felt an urge to apologize Adam for creepily staring at him and drawing him when he was asleep. 

"I'm not mad. You even got my freckles" Adam frowned with smile, "I'm very flattered that you see the beauty in me that I really can't see myself"

 _You're crazy_ , Sauli thought. Although he understands Adam, who wouldn't, he also has things he'd change about his looks if he could. But rather than wasting time on wishing something he can't change, he has worked on his self-esteem. 

Adam looked at the drawing again,

"Is this really how I look like when I sleep?" 

"No" Sauli said immediately, softly, but it still made Adam look at him. Like he was worried that Sauli had made him seem prettier than he actually is, "I could never capture it with a pen. Your beauty goes beyond my abilities" 

Adam smiled, letting his eyes drift to the drawing again. He squinted his eyes and brought the drawing closer to his face,

"Is that spit in the corner of my mouth?"

"You do drool in your sleep sometimes" Sauli stated. 

"Charming" Adam chuckled, "That is not how you capture the best of someone" he added. 

He begun to think that Sauli's eye for details could go beyond one's comfort zone. 

"Reality" Sauli stated with a grin, saying no more or less than that. Adam switched the top drawing underneath the pile and looked at the second one. Sauli scratched the back of his neck. 

"How long did you sit there staring at me and drawing me?" Adam asked with a little smirk, and browsed through the rest of the drawings, "You have my face, my ass and back. I didn't turn on my back when I napped, did I?"

"Unfortunately, no" Sauli said, making Adam glance at him, the smirk never leaving his face.

"But oh, you already have that view of me stored somewhere" Adam said, referring to the time he and Sauli met for the first time and Sauli drew his body. 

"When I close my eyes..." Sauli said, doing just that, "It's stored right there"

"Stop it" Adam chuckled, gingerly nudging Sauli. Sauli snickered and opened his eyes. 

"I don't know am I happy about your art skills or not" Adam said as he tossed the drawings on the bed, "Some day you're gonna draw me at my most unflattering state" 

"And when would that even be?" Sauli asked. He cannot think of Adam being unflattering in any way. He looks good straight out of shower or bed, and he looks good even after exhausting round of sex. 

He looks always good. And it's not fair. 

Adam shrugged,

"When I'm sick? I dunno" He said and pecked Sauli on the lips, "I'm going to the shower now or I'll be late"

He made his way to the bathroom and Sauli put his laptop away next to his nightstand. He switched his sweats to a pair of shorts and pulled on a regular tank top.

His maid, a clean lady to be more specific, should come today to clean the house. She comes every three weeks to do a thorough cleaning, even when Sauli is not there. 

Sauli went downstairs and to the open-concept kitchen where he had stored some pre-workout powder. When he was mixing the drink, the cleaning lady arrived and Sauli let him in. She has the key too but since Sauli was nearby, he saved her the effort.

"I see you spend more time here lately" Said the maid, Cynthia her name was. She was an older lady, a very kind woman. 

"Yeah, I guess. Why to have a house like this if you never use it?" Sauli asked. It was obviously a rhetorical question, at least partly, but Sauli is certain the maid could find numberous of answers to it. 

She just gave him a smile that dug under Sauli's skin, like she knew exactly why he is here more often and with who. He wonders if this is how people feel in his company and that's why he is mostly a loner. 

"I saw an unfamiliar pair of boots in the mudroom" She whispered, "It means he's still here. Have you finally found someone that pings your radar?"

Sauli wanted to ignore her and just focus on shaking his shaker bottle. But he knew there was no getting around it, she'd keep asking until he either gets annoyed or just gives her the satisfaction of seeing him give in. 

He didn't have time to answer when she continued,

"I don't know why you find it so hard to let people in your space. Keep doing that with the man you're seeing now and sooner or later you will see him walk away" 

Sauli put his shaker on the table a little harder than necessary and turned around to look at Cynthia. He bit back whatever he was saying because he can't get mad at old lady who is just being brutally honest with him. 

"I-"

"Your bathroom alone is bigger than my entire home" Said Adam who just came downstairs, toweling his hair. Sauli's eyes widened because Adam feels liberated to walk around his house all naked. Which Sauli has nothing against, it was just a bad timing. 

Sauli cleared his throat. 

Adam screeched when he acknowledged the presence of the maid standing close by, and his towel flew from his hair in front of his crotch. 

"You didn't tell me you have a maid" He growled, attempting a smile but failed miserably. 

"Oh, I have seen those before. I'm not traumatized" Said the maid. It still made Adam blush as he tied the towel around his hips. 

Cynthia made sure Adam didn't see it when she put her thumbs up for Sauli with a wicked grin. Knowing her, he couldn't be sure were they for Adam as a whole or for something more specific she had accidentally just seen. 

Probably both. 

She left the kitchen quietly and made her way upstairs. That's where she usually starts her work. 

"Your maid just saw my dick" Adam stated, "Why didn't you tell me you're going to have a maid in here today?"

"I didn't think you'd be strutting around naked" Sauli said and opened his shaker, taking a long gulp. 

"Really now? Like I don't do that every time" Adam said, "I don't know do I dare to go in your bedroom to get ready while she's upstairs"

"Just lock the door" Sauli chuckled. Adam pouted but went upstairs anyway. Sauli guessed it should take about 30 min for Adam to get ready and in that time Sauli will wait for the pre-workout to kick in. He can hit the gym once Adam leaves. 

While waiting, Sauli replied to some emails with his phone and made a few important calls. When Adam came back downstairs, his phone slid from his hand and dropped on the table. He was wearing skin tight shimmering black pants, a sparkly top that exposed his sides and a leather vest. He had dark, intense make up on. 

Something inside of Sauli churned. He didn't know what it was but it was certainly not a pleasurable feeling. 

"What?" Adam asked, glancing down at himself, "Is it the way I look? Is the shirt too much?" 

Sauli shook his head. 

"You look amazing"

"Why I'm not convinced?" Adam asked, chuckling nervously, "Don't let me go out looking like a clown"

"Like that could ever happen" Sauli pointed out and got down from his stool, walking up to Adam, "You look amazing. I could easily imagine us in a club,,, with all the guys whispering how lucky motherfucker I am for having you. But instead-"

"You'd have what everyone has already had" Adam finished for him, a little bitterly and sadly. 

"That's not what I was about to say"

"But it's what you were thinking" Adam said. 

"I'm not bothered by the amount of people you have had sex with. But I'm-"

"Bothered by the fact that I'm still available to them"

Sauli looked into Adam's eyes and pondered whether he should be honest or say what Adam wants him to say. He decided to go for the former, wherever it gets him. He has lied to himself and people around him too many times. He doesn't want to lie to Adam nor himself no more. 

Not when it comes to this. 

"Yes" Sauli admitted, "These people are itching to get their dick in your booty. They're reaching out their thirsty hands, ready to give you a thick wad of cash. Do you even know what I could be ready to give?" he asked, reaching out to grab the collar of Adam's vest. 

Adam didn't say anything. 

"I could offer you my mind. My thoughts and my dreams, my fears and my pleasures" Sauli said, tugging on the collar before brining his hands on Adam's face, "My heart. I could offer you my heart.. But what's that next to that money..." he whispered, wrapping his arms around Adam's waist and rested his head on his chest. Thanks to Adam's boots, he was on the perfect height. 

Saying it all out loud was physically painful. Sauli hates saying sentimental stuff like that, especially if it leaves him feeling vulnerable. 

"You're making me feel so superficial" Adam whispered, "And so cheap"

"Doesn't that already sum up how fucked up it all is?" Sauli asked and pulled away from Adam, walking back to the table, "If me talking about giving you my heart makes you feel cheaper than all those other men offering you money for your sweet ass"

"Don't misunderstand me on purpose" Adam murmured, "I never asked for any of that. I never made any promises. _You_ said you won't ask me to quit because I need the money. And _you_ said you don't define me by that. What happened to that?"

"You should go or you'll be late" Sauli said dimly, dropping the subject before it could even properly begin.

He's not answering to that question. He's not telling Adam that he doesn't want anyone else to touch him, not because Adam has a beautiful body that shouldn't be ruined by money, but because something inside of Sauli dies every time Adam goes. 

"I thought you were different" Adam said quietly, "I thought you really saw things from my perspective. I was wrong"

 _Fight, you coward_ , Sauli's mind screamed, _You're losing him, you fool. He's walking away. He's doing what everybody else has done_.

Sauli scooted back to Adam and pulled his head down for a kiss. It was passionate yet gentle and it made Adam feel weak in the knees. 

When Sauli pulled away, he kept his hand on the back of Adam head and pulled the short hairs through his fingers,

"I'm afraid of losing the only person who has seemed to enjoy my company almost as much as I have enjoyed theirs. I'm afraid of losing the person who has made me feel alive and has made me see other perspectives of life" He whispered against Adam's lips. The pain and discomfort was still there - He was not made for saying things like this to someone's face.

"Why would you lose me because of that?" Adam asked whispering, "It's just a job. It's nothing more. It's up to you how do you wanna see me"

No, it's not. It's up to Adam how he wants to see Sauli.

~*~

Regardless of being seen Adam for a few weeks, it doesn't give Sauli the right to say he knows Adam.

He doesn't even claim to know him but he definitely can see it when one's not feeling 100%. Even if he couldn't quite see it, he could most definitely feel it. There was a dramatic change in the way Adam received his kisses. How his previously heated squirms were suddenly squirms he used to try to get away. 

"Are you alright?" Sauli whispered against Adam's neck, soothingly stroking his sides. He had his hands underneath Adam's shirt and even that was making Adam act uncomfortable. He would normally only jump when Sauli touched a ticklish spot.

"Yeah, I'm just tired" Adam murmured, curling his fingers in Sauli's hair. 

"Mm" Sauli hummed, flicking his tongue around the red spot he had accidentally made, "I'm sure you'll wake up soon" he said, swiftly pushing Adam down on the bed and shifted his thighs apart, settling between them. 

He reached down to unbutton Adam's jeans but Adam stopped him by tightly grasping on his wrist. 

"No, wait... To be honest, I actually don't really feel up to this right now"

"Oh. Okay. That's fine" Sauli reassured and had to tug his hand free because Adam's hold wouldn't loosen. He pushed himself up and took a good look at Adam and his face; His unease expressions and the tension written on his features. 

Adam sat up too and turned so that his feet hung over the edge of the bed. And also made him face the other way instead of Sauli's eyes. 

"I can tell something's off" Sauli whispered, "Is it something I've done...? Or something I've said?" he asked gently, shifting closer to Adam. 

Adam shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"I'm just not feeling it, maybe I'm getting sick, I dunno" Adam said in a voice that sounded almost strange to Sauli's ears. It had a 'weird' crack in the middle of the sentence. 

Sauli felt bad for so many reasons. One of the worst feelings is when you know something is wrong but they don't let you in. Even worse is when they do let you in, but you don't know what to say or do and you feel like you're letting them down. 

You've taken down walls they have built around them and when you find the core, you have no freaking idea what to do with it.

A quiet, almost un-noticable, little sniff made Sauli tilt his head but it didn't help him to see Adam's face because he turned his head away.

"I'm not like the others, you know it. It doesn't bother me that you refuse to do this now, it's completely okay" Sauli said softly and searched the reflection of Adam's face from a small mirror located on the wall near them. 

"And it's definitely not a crying matter" Sauli added when he saw the swollen eyes from the reflection, "Please tell me what's wrong, I hate seeing you like this"

He saw Adam take a deep breath before he turned around to face Sauli. He opened his mouth just slightly before he closed it again, letting out a shuddering breath as he turned his eyes away again. 

"Oh God..." He all but whimpered, covering his face with his hands now. Sauli started to feel uncomfortable for various different reasons and before he could even try to console Adam the best he could, he bolted up from the bed and rushed to the bathroom. 

Sauli heard him throw up. He didn't know should he go check on him or not, maybe he really is coming down with something.. It still wouldn't explain the tears unless Adam feels really pressured to do something Sauli could never ask him to do if he wasn't feeling it. 

He decided not to interfere. He just patiently waited until Adam would come out. He heard Adam heaving again and it made Sauli cringe. He doesn't really fancy the idea of getting sick the day before an important property showing. 

A several minutes passed before Sauli heard Adam flush the toilet. He came out, looking embarrassed and more worn out than a few minutes ago. 

"Sorry" He said quietly, sitting down on the bed, his body rigid and Sauli didn't miss the barely noticable twitch on his face.

"For feeling sick?" Sauli asked, tilting his head when he spotted reddish marks on Adam's neck. Adam jumped when he reached out to brush his fingertips over them. 

They looked like faint hickeys but they were located very close to each other in certain way. To Sauli's mind, to his horror, they looked a lot like... 

"Why do you have fingerprints on your throat?" He asked, feeling so many emotions rise inside his body that he didn't know which one of them was the strongest one.

Adam reached out to cover them up like it helped anymore. Sauli already saw enough. 

"Adam" Sauli pressured, his tone low and almost commanding, " _Why_?"

The words were still caught in Adam's throat and he couldn't seem to spill them out. There is no way that Sauli would lose his temper or something like that but the need to know what has happened to Adam was burning his guts. 

"I saw one of my regular customers" Adam said, still holding on to his neck, "He has always been nice to me,,, thoughtful and kind. But for some reason I couldn't be my usual self,,, My thoughts kept running away. Then something in him just snapped... Like he lost his temper because I was so absent"

Sauli clutched on his own thighs and breathed deep through his nose, exhaled through the mouth. He hasn't even heard the rest of the story but he's already sure he could find this man and slaughter him. 

Adam couldn't seem to look at him in the eyes. Maybe he was ashamed or embarrassed, both very unnecessary states of mind in this situation. To Sauli's mind, at least. He could only imagine how much his eyes are flaring right now so maybe it's no wonder Adam didn't want to look into them. 

Sauli hoped he understands his anger is no way directed at him. Even though one figuratiely _could_ ask why Adam keeps getting himself to situations where such things could easily happen; Like going to a stranger's house with nothing to defend yourself with. 

It still doesn't give anyone the right to hurt him and Sauli would never ever blame him for whatever happened. Also, this "person" was someone Adam already knew. Someone he had dared to trust into and then something like this happens. 

What a twisted place world is, Sauli thought.

"I tried to get away because he scared the crap out of me but he wouldn't let me" Adam explained, his body visibly shaking, "Then he just,,, Roughly forced himself on me. Regardless of my squirms and telling him to stop..." 

_Raped_ , Sauli's brains cleared up. Adam's not sick, he has been sexually abused. 

It was no longer just Adam who felt physically nauseous from the incident, it was Sauli too. He slowly got up from the bed and brought his hands up to his hair, tugging on it not so gently. 

"Who was it?"

"Does it even matter?" Adam asked. Sauli could hear the fatique and frustration in his tone and the question was probably not what he wanted to hear right now. 

Sauli turned around to look at Adam and saw him looking at him for the first time tonight. Sauli wonders if that's what he looked like when he came to his place tonight. With his eyelids heavy and the usual bloom on his face completely gone. 

But he just didn't notice. How could he not notice?

"It matters so I can-"

"It's not going to help!" Adam cried, raising his voice, "It's not going to undone what he did to me..." he added, almost whispering now and hugged his knees to his chest.

Sauli needed to forget about the one who did it, at least for now. He can deal with his anger later but Adam is more important now. He took a deep breath to calm himself down and sat down next to Adam. 

"I always had the habit of telling my friend Terrance when I met a customer. And when I left their place, I'd let him know that everything is okay. I did the same thing today. I said everything is okay,,, I didn't want to worry him" Adam explained, swaying himself like a mother her baby, "Fortunately he was the last customer of the night"

"Last night?" Sauli asked, doubting that he understood correctly, "You're not thinking of seeing anyone tonight?"

"What else would I do?" Adam asked, giving Sauli another one of those tear-striking looks.

"Give your body some time to heal? You must be hurting" Sauli said softly and pressed his hand on top of Adam's arm. Adam looked down at his hand and then raised his eyes, nodding. 

He didn't say anything, just fixed his position so that he was able to curl into Sauli's arms. Sauli let out a relieved sigh and wrapped his arms tightly around Adam. 

"If you're still wondering what my most unflattering moment could be... I'm sure we're close to that now" Adam murmured. 

"Don't even joke. You're everything but unflattering now" Sauli whispered. He kissed the side of Adam's head and clutched his body close to his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And sorry for the late update, things have been popping up.


	5. You can scream and you can shout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauli finds the idea of building friendships more and more comfortable. He also helps Adam to slowly get back on his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings; Open mentions about sexual assault.

It was the first time in ages when Sauli had to choose whether to agree to all of the property showings he was being offered or not. Normally he would take as many as he could fit in one day but now he made an exception. 

Sorting out priorities, that's what he told himself. He can't call himself very skilled when it comes to consoling people outside of work but it was something he was desperate to work on. He never felt the need since he was a loner but now, with Adam being around so much, it had become an urge. 

He needed to know how to make Adam feel better. Adam didn't return his calls and he replied to his messages with few words. Sauli refused to give up on something he found so important so he drove to Adam's place to see him after just three property showings. 

He rang the doorbell several times before Adam finally came to the door. He was wearing a worn out top and black sweats, and he was carrying Pharaoh on his arms. 

"I don't really feel like seeing anyone" He said. 

"I know. But being all alone can't be good for you" Sauli insisted, reaching out to scratch Pharaoh under the chin, "Alone without other people, at least"

"Isn't that what you do?" Adam asked. 

"I go to work" Sauli defended himself. But otherwise, sure, he's mostly alone. 

"I do too" Adam pointed out, "The other work, at least. The normal one"

Sauli was relieved to hear he's only been working in the coffeeshop and not doing the "other job". 

"If you _really_ want me to go, I will" Sauli said, giving Adam the opportunity to choose although he was planning to gently turn his head if he wanted him to go. But the last thing Adam needs is someone forcing themselves on him, in any meaning of the words. 

Adam looked at him for several seconds before he said;

"Well, since you came all the way here" 

Sauli smiled, stepping inside. Adam closed the door and let Pharaoh down. He dashed to Sauli right away, sniffing his jeans as high as he could reach when he stood on his back paws. 

"Hello" Sauli babbled, putting his laptop bag on the floor and crouched down on the dog's level , "Have you been trying to cheer Adam up?"

"He only has to exist to do that" Adam said and made his way to the couch. He sat down, the movement still causing his face to twitch in discomfort which made Sauli feel a whole lot worse than he already did. 

"How have you been holding up?" Sauli asked as he stood up. Pharaoh immediately scooted on the couch with Adam, lying next to him and put his head on his lap. Like he was telling Sauli that's his place; his territory, and he has to find his own. 

Adam shrugged,

"I live" He said wryly and petted the dog's head. Sauli pursed his lips and sat on the other side of Adam. He didn't know what he could say to make it better. There was probably nothing he could even say to make it better. 

He feared that if he said something, he just ends up making it all worse. Saying all the wrong things without the intention to do any harm. 

He did the only thing he could imagine: Reaching out to touch Adam - his knee - and it turned out to be the wrong kind of move too. Adam's breath hitched and he jumped, obviously startling the unexpected touch, and Sauli immediately pulled away. He placed both of his hands between his knees almost like to stop himself from doing it again. 

"Sorry. I didn't mean to" He almost mumbled, feeling embarrassed and bad for just how awful he was in this. 

"No, I'm sorry. I've been ridiculously timid lately" Adam sighed, reaching out to pull Sauli's hand out and laced their fingers, "Everything that's even a little bit sudden puts my body on escape mode"

Sauli was lost for words so all he did was to gently squeeze Adam's hand. 

"Have you seen a doctor? Or a police?" He asked. 

"God, no"

"Adam-"

"What would they do or say? For Christ's sake, look at me. I'm a man and look at the size of me. There is no way they will believe me if I told them what happened" Adam said and pulled his hand free. Instead he pulled Pharaoh fully on his lap and embraced him with both arms.

"Well, I can't make you" Sauli said, stating that if Adam has decided, so be it. 

Sauli had so many questions. However, he didn't want to get too personal when everything that has happened is still so clear in Adam's mind. He has no idea how long it would take for him to get over it, _really_ over it, and not just forcing his body to believe so.

It kills Sauli to think that he can make Adam jump like that with a simple sweet gesture. He had such clear visions - hopes and dreams - in his head about Adam and himself. Many of them included touching him in one way or another. 

He even wanted to paint him. Not paint him on canvas but paint _on him_. There'd be no limits to it - He could do anything. Make him the night sky of Hollywood or the art piece of ancient Egypt. 

Before all of that, he wanted to hold him. Be good to him. Caress him. 

But someone had to ruin it. Someone who was not even human ruined it all, destroyed. Not just those visions but Adam too. 

As if his self image wasn't twisted enough already even though he never directly said it. Sauli could see it. He saw him try to suck in his stomach almost every time and always made sure to apply even a little bit of cover stick on his face. 

Saw how ashamed he was when he told Sauli about the rape. Like it was his fault, he was the slutty whore who begged for something like that to happen. 

Sauli clutched the fabric of his pants, feeling himself get worked up again. _If_ he could just fucking _slaughter_ the one who did it. 

"Are you,,, Are you mad at me?" Adam asked hesitantly. 

Sauli's head snapped up at the question,

"No. _No_. _Why_ would I be mad at you?" 

Adam shrugged, 

"Because I-"

"No" Sauli interrupted, stopping Adam before he could even start blaming himself for what happened once again, "I am not mad. Not at you"

"I really tried to stop him" Adam said, whispering almost, and seeming as though he had not heard what Sauli had said to him. He didn't need to convince anything, of course Sauli believed him.

"I know" Sauli pressured, "I believe you"

"I'm happy you bothered to come and see how I'm doing" Adam said then, looking at Pharaoh and petting him. Someone might think he was talking to the dog and not Sauli, "Nobody else knows. I haven't told anyone"

Which Sauli understood more than well. He was never the one to talk about his personal things to anyone. Especially not when they caused him any kind of pain. It was nothing personal - It was just the way he was wired.

But yet when he sees it from this point of view, he wishes Adam would share it with someone else too. He almost wished he didn't know it himself because it had caused a continous sickening sensation in his guts. Sometimes he forgets about it but whenever he thinks of Adam - which is 90% of the time - He remembers it again. 

It starts a rollercoaster of emotions. And it's selfish to even think about it like that because Adam has it so much worse, he was the one that lived through it. The flashbacks and all the things that trigger anxiety must drive him insane. 

"I'm glad you told me" Sauli said, "One person is better than none"

"I wouldn't have if you didn't want to see me that night" Adam admitted, "But then I had to. You would have noticed anyway"

"I did. What interests me is that if I didn't ask are you alright, would you still have told me?"

"Probably yes" Adam said and put Pharaoh on the couch next to him, "Or not. Difficult to say" he added when he got up from the couch. 

Sauli staid the rest of the day. He prepared some dinner with the little Adam had in his cabinets and even though Adam didn't eat a lot, Sauli was happy to see he tried. 

When the clock was getting closer to 9 p.m., Sauli showed first signs of leaving. 

"Do you have to go?" Adam asked.

Sauli was positively surprised that Adam would ask. He concluded it meant he didn't want him to go anywhere, at least not yet. 

"Well, I have the papers I need tomorrow at work, in my place"

"You can get them in the morning before going to the office or wherever you're about to go" Adam suggested and gave Sauli the biggest pair of sad puppy eyes. 

Try saying no to that. 

"Please. I don't wanna be alone" 

"When I came, you told me you'd rather be alone"

"I know what I said. But I didn't know that having company could calm my nerves, I thought quite opposite. You don't have to stay if you don't want to-"

"Of course I do"

~*~

Sauli had to wake up earlier than normally because he had to stop by his own flat before going to his office. Lucky for him, he woke up before the alarm would have went off on his phone, so Adam didn't wake up. He seemed to be sleeping rather peacefully now despite of having tossed and turned violently after midnight.

Sauli noticed Adam slept better when he wasn't clutching onto him so he had taken some distance, settling on the other side of the bed. Maybe it set off the escape mode in his body - like a threat. 

Pharaoh was still off too. He was sprawled on his back near Adam's pillow. However, when Sauli started moving more, his ear twitched. 

Last night Sauli had dozed off way before Adam. He remembers them lying on the bed watching TV after they had walked Pharaoh outside. Adam didn't want to go alone to the dark for understandable reasons, and then Sauli had fallen asleep afterwards. He woke up only briefly when Adam had shut the TV. 

Adam was sleeping in an oversized tank top and black briefs, and he had kicked the covers aside because of the hotness and lack of good air contioning system. 

Sauli paid attention to his legs, his thighs speficially, that were slightly bruised. He put on his glasses to see better but when he inched closer to take a proper look, Pharaoh jumped up like a guardian on his duty. He didn't growl or look threatening in any way, he was just intensively watching what Sauli was up to. 

"Don't look at me like that, I'm not going to hurt him" Sauli quietly said to the dog. He forgot about the bruises for now, he feels if he tries to examine them now, Pharaoh will tell him off. 

Sauli has not asked any details of the incident and Adam hasn't brought them up. If he wants to, he will. Eventually. But Sauli's not going to pressure him.

Sauli didn't want to eat anything from Adam's kitchen. He makes such full breakfasts that he'd empty all of his cabinets. So he just did his usual morning routine and then pulled on his suit from yesterday.

Pharaoh jumped down from the bed when he saw Sauli dressing up, and dashed to his leash which was hanging from a hook near the door. He looked at Sauli meaningfully. 

"Oh no, no, no. I don't have time to go out with you" Sauli said quietly so he wouldn't wake Adam up since he finally sleeps peacefully. But of course Sauli has a soft spot for dogs too and he couldn't leave the poor fellow just waiting until Adam wakes up. It could take hours. 

Sauli sighed. 

"Okay. But let's make it quick"

"No, no, you don't have to. I'll take him out in a bit" Came a low murmur from the direction of the bed. Sauli glanced over to see Adam rubbing his eyes. 

"I didn't know you were awake" Sauli said. 

"I wasn't. Am now" 

"Sorry if I woke you. I tried to be quiet" Sauli smiled. Adam shook his head as if to shake it off, tell him it was not a big deal. 

Adam looked at him with those still sleepy, heavy eyes, and Sauli had a massive urge to sweep over to him and hug the air out of him. Given the current circumstances, he decided not to do any kind of restraining moves on Adam. 

God knows how many times he wanted to inch closer to him during the night and wrap him underneath him. It was wrong that some shithole of a man is now freely living his life, while Adam struggles to live his own. 

"I slept better than the other night so it's okay. You being here calmed my nerves and I wasn't in that much pain anymore"

Sauli nodded calmly. 

"Pain as in...?"

"My ribs, mostly" Adam said, pulling up the hem of his shirt to examine his side, "I think he bruised them quite bad when he smashed me down"

There was a large, reddish patch of skin on top of Adam's ribs and Sauli thought it looked way more painful than Adam had let him understand. 

Adam let his shirt down and something passed on his face. A frown. Not the angry kind, but thoughtful. 

"I'm sorry to bother you like this. I know you don't owe me anything..." 

If Adam just knew how much he owed him. 

"I don't have to owe you anything to be here. You already know I don't really mind being around you" 

And it's not just because Adam happens to look God-like from every angle or because he has an ass Sauli wanted to have for dinner every day.

Adam smiled, his expression almost sheepish as he looked up at Sauli. He didn't say anything so Sauli dared to glance at his watch, almost jumping as he did. 

"Shit! I'm going to be late" He hissed, pacing around the clotch rack to put on his shoes and jacket. 

"You might want this" Adam said suddenly. When Sauli glanced over, he was holding Sauli's phone in his hands. Right, he had put the phone on Adam's nightstand last night. 

"Yeah, thanks" Sauli smiled as he took the phone from Adam. To his surprise, Adam grabbed his hand and tugged on it, causing Sauli to almost faceplant on his lap. Which he wouldn't have really minded, but he doubts that was the intention, so he quickly placed his hands on Adam's chest to stop that from happening. 

"What" Sauli chuckled, "I have to go to work"

"I know. Just one more thing" Adam said softly and tipped his head, gently pecking Sauli on the lips. Sauli went rigid, not because he thought it was unpleasant - it wasn't - but he was rather shocked by it. 

"See you round" Adam smiled. Sauli was only able to let out an incoherent whimpery-kind-of noise. Which he didn't quite understand himself either, he has done a lot more than just kiss Adam and usually he has been able to talk afterwards. 

Sauli gathered his bag with him and left the apartment, telling Pharaoh to go back to Adam when he tried to follow him out. 

He stopped by his apartment to get his papers then rushed to the office. He had to print out a few contract papers before heading to the first meeting. 

He had to find a house for a family of four, soon five to be. The couple is young and have two children; One 7-year old and one 4 year old. They are now expecting their third kid. If Sauli understoond correctly, they got their first child when the girl was just 19. 

They weren'r so strict about the neighborhood itself, the only thing they asked from it, was that it has to be child-friendly. The man was ready to drive a longer way to work as long as the kids could roam outside more freely. 

Sauli had found the perfect house for them. It was in a peaceful suburb outside the city. After the showing, Sauli discussed the price and possible renovating with the couple. He wasn't even surprised when they made a deal. 

He wished he could face something more challenging. Today he had a more office-based day; He had several documets and agreements to do. Tomorrow he will take a look at the monthly budget and see how it's holding up. 

Afrer a couple of hours in his office, Jennifer, his co-worker, knocked on his door. She brought him a cup of coffee. 

"Thank you, you didn't have to" Sauli smiled as he took the cup from her hands. 

"I know. But I figured you won't get one yourself and since I went to the coffee machine I thought why not" She explained. 

She has brought him a cup of coffee for many times every since she noticed he doesn't give himself a break to get one himself. It really isn't her duty nor anyone else's but Sauli's but he is glad she cares about his breaks. 

Although he would have gotten himself a cup of coffee in a few minutes. During that small break he could have texted Adam and asked him how he's doing. 

But fuck, he just left his place this morning. Sauli doesn't want to be like a leech. 

"Everything went okay with that family?" Jennifer asked, sipping her coffee. 

"As usual" 

"Love your confidence" Jennifer said, "You know, our department is thinking of going for a few drinks this evening-"

"You already know my answer" Sauli said before she could go any further. 

"Yes I do but it still doesn't stop me from asking" Jennifer said, "Even if it's 101% likely that I'll know your answer, I'm still gonna keep asking. So you know that even if you don't come, we still want you there"

" _You_ want me there, Jen" Sauli said, not taking his eyes off the computer screen. 

Jennifer was quiet. 

"But it's only because you don't give others the chance to get to know you" She said then, "They know you're the best real estate agent we have but that's all they know, including me. I think it's hypocritical that you sit here thinking why don't you have any friends when you don't even give anyone a chance"

Sauli raised his eyes from the laptop screen, peeking at Jennifer over his glasses.

"Sorry" She said immediately, "That was inconsiderate of me"

"Don't sweat it, I don't deny any of that" Sauli said. 

Jennifer is the newest addition to their team but Sauli would still trust her with his life when it comes to work. In fact, he was the one who trained her so no wonder she is incredibly skilled in what she does. 

Everybody at work likes her too. She has sweetness in her nature that radiate around but not nearly enough people catch the sweetness. Her hair is tied up to a high ponytail 90% of the time and she also has glasses. Sauli belives it's a sign of intelligence in this team. 

During her training she asked Sauli how much clothes she wears matter in the job and Sauli told him they have to speak for themselves; Tell the customer that they can trust your taste. He never told her what to wear, he just told her what kind of clothes would she want to see on her real estate agent if she was the one buying a house. 

Ever since she has used tasteful, stylish clothes. 

"I think I'm going to see someone else tonight" Sauli said to her and her eyes went wide in surprise, "If he has me, that is"

"Not that I want to sound too nosy, but-"

"Yes" Sauli said, suprising himself too, "But I don't know if it's ever going to be anything serious" 

"Why not?" Jennifer asked, propping herself to sit on Sauli's desk, careful not to spill their coffees. 

"It's complicated" 

"I have time" 

Sauli sighed. This is the first time ever that he feels like he could have a mature conversation with someone else but himself. Jennifer looked genuinely interested and it was rather surprising to see. 

Ever since he left Finland, he has only seen that look on one person and that's Adam. Almost like his life and things happening in it, mattered to them. 

"But you've got to promise not to tell anyone" Sauli pressured, "Or they'll be laughing at me behind my back even more"

"No one is laughing at you, that's delusional" 

"He's a prostitute" He blurted out, watching as Jennifer chocked on her coffee, "And that's how I met him"

"Well" Jennifer croaked, "I was prepared for a longer story but I see now why it's complicated"

Sauli just hummed.

"There's something else too, isn't there? I can see it"

"That I can't tell" Sauli said immediately, "I promised him not to"

"I respect that" Jennifer said softly, "But you do know that if someone tells you something that eats you alive too, you're just both gonna hurt" 

"Even if I told you, it wouldn't change what has happened" Sauli said to her with a helpless shrug. 

Jennifer nodded slowly.

"Thanks for the invitation anyway" Sauli smiled then, "But I have other plans"

"Okay" Jennifer smiled, hopping down from the desk, "Some other time?"

Sauli pursed his lips, thinking about it. 

"Sure. But just with you. I'm not good with crowds" 

"Deal" She winked as she left his office. Sauli grabbed his phone and texted Adam to ask if he has any plans tonight.

Turns out he doesn't. He told Sauli that his friend did ask him out but he's not really in the mood to go to any clubs just yet so he'll be home for the night. 

They agreed to meet in Sauli's place and Adam could bring Pharaoh with him.

~*~

When Sauli was finished with work, he went straight home. He took a quick shower and pulled on more comfortable clothes. He had time to prepare some dinner for himself and eat it too before Adam arrived.

Adam let Pharaoh down as soon as Sauli had closed the door, then gave Sauli a kiss on the cheek. 

"Hi" 

"Hey" Sauli smiled, "Glad you could come. You hungry? I just ate"

"No, thanks. I ate something at work" Adam said, watching as Sauli crouched down to pet Pharaoh behind the ears. He babbled something along the lines of 'hello to you too'. 

"I've been thinking of returning to my other job tomorrow" Adam said suddenly, making Sauli's head snap up, "And I'd like you to tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't"

There must be a catch to it. These are the situations Sauli often fears; Saying something that the other doesn't expect to hear. In other words, saying the wrong things despite of trying to be helpful.

Sauli stood up, his eyes never leaving Adam's. Firstly, there is no way Adam's psyche could even handle it so soon. If he jumps when Sauli touches his hand, how can he let anyone toss him around on the bed. How could he even trust anyone anymore? 

Secondly, there is a big chance he still suffers from physical injuries and it can't feel good in so many ways. 

Thirdly, Sauli just simply doesn't want him to. If there is someone who should ever touch Adam more intimately, it should be him. Not some married man on his early 50's who pays shit ton of money to do so. 

He couldn't seem to be able to say any of those things out loud. 

"Is it true what you told me several days ago?" Adam asked helpfully, "That you could give me so much more"

Sauli just nodded. 

"And if I continue doing what I do?" Adam asked. 

"Then I'm going to live with the pain" 

Adam nodded, biting his lips together like he was about to burst into tears any second now. Sauli felt scared to approach him. He fears that if he does, he does that wrong too. And also because he isn't very good with emotional people. 

"I don't know what else I can do" Adam said, his voice cracking, "If I just rely on my income from the coffeeshop, I-"

"Hey" Sauli interrupted, tearing his feet off the floor and took a step closer to Adam, hesitantly reaching out to hold onto his waist. He stroked his sides but very gingerly, keeping the bruising on his ribs in mind. 

"We can figure something out. I can find you a new place to stay in with a lower rent or I can try to discuss a different deal with your current landlord" He said.

Adam looked at him, a gleam of hope in those blue eyes of his. And for once, it wasn't blind. 

"How can you-"

"Trust me, I'm a professional" Sauli smiled, "At least in this thing" He added with a small frown. 

"I'm not professional in anything" Adam said and wrinkled his nose, "Except in how to bounce on a dick"

Sauli tried not to choke on his own spit or seem too eager about that skill. He doesn't want to make any sexual hints before he's sure Adam is fully comfortable with them.

"I'm sure it's a,,, It's a nice skill to have" 

"Speaking of such skills,,, could we talk a bit?" Adam asked. 

"Sure" 

Adam pulled Sauli on the large couch and they settled facing each other. Pharaoh came to stand next to the couch, looking up at them pleadingly. 

"He doesn't jump on the couch unless you allow him to" 

"Oh, it's fine" Sauli said immediately, tapping the mattress to tell the dog it was okay for him to jump on it. He jumped on other side of Sauli but then walked over his lap to settle on Adam's lap. 

"He's been more affectionate with me lately than usual" Adam said with a chuckle. 

"Maybe he senses something is wrong" Sauli suggested, "He gave me a weird look this morning when you were sleeping"

"Why?" Adam asked, still smiling. 

Sauli shrugged,

"I kind of came close to you because I noticed bruises on your leg. I only wanted to look but he looked at me like I was going to hurt you"

"You're my little guardian, aren't you?" Adam babbled to the dog, pulling him against his chest and then looked back at Sauli, "Yeah... When he did it - raped me - He smashed me on the table top... I only remember I hurt my head and ribs. And that at some point he choked me..."

Sauli closed his eyes, not even wanting to imagine it in his head. 

"And I remember the pain that felt like tearing in half. It's hard to understand how even he could enjoy it like that,,, You know, with me being so... You know. Maybe it wasn't the physical side of it, maybe he just wanted to hurt me. The more pained I sounded, the more he seemed to be into it" 

Adam let go of Pharaoh and brought his hands to his face, taking a deep shuddering breath.

"You don't have to talk about it" Sauli whispered, "You can if you want to but you don't have to"

"I don't know" Adam said on the verge of tears, dropping his hands from his face, "I want it out of my system but I can't bear to look back at it... Not yet"

"Then you don't have to" Sauli said gently, "I'm sure you can give yourself more time. Do what feels the best for you now"

Adam nodded.

"I just want everything to be normal" He said, "I flinched when you touched my hand. That's not fucking normal"

"It takes time" Sauli reassured, "Look, I don't have any idea how you're feeling right now. I don't even pretend to know. But more often than not, time is the key"

"And it doesn't bother you? The waiting?" Adam asked, finding it hard to believe. 

"No" Sauli smiled, "Considering I've been waiting for someone like you my entire life" 

Adam chuckled, wiping his eyes,

"Cheesy"

Well, he's been saving it. He doesn't tell Adam that his cheesyness will only get worse if he decides to get together with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late with the update again. I'm so sorry, I've been reading books like no tomorrow.


	6. A beam of light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauli struggles to find ways to help Adam. But much to his delight, he's doing a lot better.

Sauli had a lunch break at work with Jennifer. They went to eat to a restaurant near the office and Jennifer was noticably delightened to get an invitation from Sauli. It still felt weird - like forcing himself to be more "normal". 

But the more minutes passed, the more comfortable it felt. Sauli had just told Jennifer about the incident that happened to him years ago. He was showing a house to a young couple while the homeowners were there. They had agreed that they would go outside or move from room to room, to give Sauli and the couple more space to look around. The homeowners, however, had not remembered the time correctly. 

Sauli was suspicious already when they arrived and the couple didn't even come downstairs to introduce themselves. He had shrugged it off and concluded they had gone out. 

But when they reached upstairs and the master bedroom, they surprised the homeowners from the middle of steamy BDSM activity. 

Jennifer was laughing with tears in her eyes, not necessarily for the story itself but the way Sauli told it.

"And me, being a new real estate agent, felt mortified when the young couple left with few words and told me they already have another house in mind and they'd use another realtor"

"But it wasn't your fault" Jennifer said when she had calmed down a bit and was wiping her eyes to her napkin. 

"I know but I felt like it was" Sauli squeaked.

"That seems to be a pretty usual state of mind for you" Jennifer said. 

"It's easier to blame yourself than others" Sauli said thoughtfully, taking a sip of water, "And it's most definitely better than blaming others"

Jennifer tilted her head from side to side as though to say 'maybe but I'm not 100% convinced'. 

"I still think it's better to find the golden middle way" She said, placing her fork and knife on the plate, "To know when to blame yourself; acknowledge your mistakes, but also know when you are not the one to blame. You can't take responsibility for other people's mistakes" 

Sauli shrugged. It obviously makes sense but his mind has never really worked the way it should work. His self-esteem isn't the best possible either, so Speaking of other people's mistakes and their effect on Sauli's life, he somehow found the courage to ask,

"I guess you're right. You don't happen to know a therapist or something?" 

Jennifer looked a little taken aback,

"Woah, I didn't say you need to see a therapist because of that" She said, reaching inside of her purse to pull out her red lipstick. 

Sauli chuckled,

"Oh, no, not because of _that_ " 

"Then what?" Jennifer asked, fixing her lipstick that the eating and drinking had "ruined". 

Sauli sighed, running a hand through his hair. When he didn't find any words during the following 10 seconds, Jennifer looked at him with a smile, putting her make up back into her purse. 

"There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist and you definitely don't have to tell me why you need one. My brother's wife happens to be a psychologist but I'm not sure how exactly do they differ" She said and made a face, "Does it have to be a therapist?"

"No, not necessarily. I think. I'm not sure myself" Sauli said and put his glasses on the table and rubbed his tired eyes. He was awake most of the night last night because Adam slept restlessly and it kept him from falling asleep.

"Unfortunately I don't know either" She said, "I'm sure she would be happy to help. Do you need to just talk to somebody or-"

"No. I mean yes. But not about me" Sauli said, putting his glasses back on.

"You lost me" 

Of course he did.

"You remember when I told you that I'm kind of seeing somebody?" Sauli asked. 

Jennifer nodded. 

"Well, this somebody has gone through a very,,, distressing and traumatic event that kind of affects our relationship in so many levels" Sauli told Jennifer, "And I'm lost. I don't know what do do" he added, desperation clear in his voice. 

Jennifer gave him an empathetic look and grabbed her phone, starting to browse it. 

"I can give you her number so you can give her a call. She can decide whether she'll help you or not. I'm sure she will if she just sees it as her field of expertise. It can get pricey, though"

"Well, that is not an issue" Sauli said, saving the number once Jennifer had sent it to him. He can happily pay for the advice if she just can help. He really wants to be able to help Adam the best he can and also be the kind of person he needs right now. 

"Thank you for this. I'll call her later" Sauli said and put his phone back into the pocket of his pants, "Where are you heading down?"

"Burbank. But first I have to stop by the office' 

"I'll walk with you. Then I head to West Hollywood for some apartment seeking" Sauli told Jennifer. Sauli had promised to try to find another flat for Adam to stay in and Adam _insists_ it's in West Hollywood. Says he has grown fond of the are and he is not leaving. 

They headed back to the office building and as they were walking in the corridor, their team was giving odd looks to their direction. Sauli suddenly grew painfully aware of just how uneasy it made him feel and he could hear the thudding of his own heart through the exceptionally loud clicking of Jennifer's heels. 

She didn't seem to notice any of the looks so maybe Sauli was just delusional once again. 

When they reached his office door, he thanked Jennifer for accompaning him for the lunch with a kiss on both of her cheeks. He went to his office to grab his bag and then made his way down to the parking halls. 

He drove his car out and called to the number Jennifer had given him. He used the hands-free device. 

He hopes she is able to help him.

~*~ 

Helping Adam with recovery has been the most challenging thing Sauli has ever been part of when it comes to human contact outside of his work. It was all mixed inside of his head, all those emotions, and he did his best to get them arranged.

Not to even mention Adam. One moment he would curl to a corner of the couch and only let Sauli hold him by the shoulder or arm, and one moment he would be much more open to all of the touching such as cuddles and hugs. 

Sometimes he would snap at Sauli without Sauli even knowing why and sometimes he would cry or get an anxiety attack in situations where Sauli expected them the least. 

So it was good for Sauli to sometimes spend nights alone too, even though it made him feel selfish. 

Most of the time they were together though, with Adam hanging around in his city flat. When Sauli had a couple of days off again, they went to his Malibu beach house. 

The sea and the idea of being further away from it all, seemed to relax Adam a lot as well. He was now sitting in a hot tub on the lower deck while Sauli was sitting on the couch, an empty canvas on his lap, and Pharaoh was lying on the wooden deck near the tub.

When it came to more intimate physical contact with Adam, it has been out of the question. Sauli would like to talk about it, not just for the sake of finding out when he can possibly get into Adam's pants again, but to find out what Adam is _thinking_. Is he afraid in addition to being uncomfortable? How does he even see the idea of having sex? Does he repel it completely?

He has kissed Adam several times but they have been affectionate little pecks rather than 'I'd-like-to-devour-every-inch-of-you-right-now'. He had thought about the things the psychologist, Jennifer's brother's wife, had told him. Stephanie, her name was. 

The sound of a phone ringing brought Sauli back to Earth. It was his own phone ringing on the table next to him. It was Jennifer. He picked up only to let her know he's in Malibu and he's occupied. He added the words 'with something important' which made Adam raise his head and look at him. 

Sauli flashed him a smile, then put the phone away and got back to staring at the canvas, pretending to actually do something. He didn't want to butt in to the tub even though the idea was icredibly appealing. 

"You haven't made a single brush on that canvas" Adam said from the tub, "I still have my eyes"

Sauli swallowed nervously, glancing at Adam but he was only smiling. 

"You don't have to pretend you're painting just because I happen to be nearly naked here" Adam said, "I already know you're looking at me with nothing but pure affection. Whatever it might include"

Sauli sighed, putting the canvas on the table. 

"I'm glad you know that" 

Adam pulled himself out of the tub and grabbed his towel from the deck floor. Sauli had to blink several times to distract his eyes and stop them from wandering. 

Adam toweled his abdomed dry and bent to dry his legs too. He then put the towel on his shoulders and sat on the couch with Sauli. Just like that, he leaned in to latch their mouths together. 

Usually he pulls away in few seconds but now he didn't. He proceeded, even forcing Sauli to open up his lips some more. 

Sauli couldn't help the blissful sigh and he reached out to touch Adam's leg. Even though Adam didn't flinch, Sauli still stopped. 

"What are you doing?" He asked, their foreheads pressed together. 

"Kissing you?" Adam suggested, "You don't want to?"

"Of course I want to. But we should talk first, considering just yesterday you didn't want me to touch you at all. Don't you think?"

Adam thought about it for several seconds then nodded. 

"I'm gonna put my clothes on first. Inside?"

Sauli nodded, gathering his stuff from the table top and followed Adam inside the house. He waited for Pharaoh to dash in too before he shut the door. 

Adam had left his clothes on a chair near the door and he wasn't exactly shy as he changed out of the swim shorts. Sauli had to use a lot of his will power to not to stare. 

He made his way on the couch and sat down, waiting for Adam. After Adam had dressed up and put the towel and the shorts to dry somewhere, he also settled on the couch. He looked embarrassed for some reason and it seemed to be a struggle to get his head up and meet Sauli's eyes.

So. Where to start, was the question. Sauli didn't think it would be this difficult to have a decent, mature conversation about physical intimacy. 

"So... Uhm. Why the sudden change of mind?" Sauli asked.

"I felt like it. Are you saying that I am not allowed to?" Asked Adam, slightly annoyed.

"What?" Sauli squeaked, "No. I just want to make sure you made the move because _you wanted_ and not because you feel guilty for something. Or that you feel like you are withholding,,, sex from me. You're not, in case you're wondering" 

Adam sighed, and it almost sounded like he was relieved, slumping down against the backrest. 

Sauli smiled a bit,

"See?"

"I'm sorry. I just feel so bad that I can't provide what you need"

"None of that" Sauli said immediately, "I already told you I'm not bothered by the waiting"

"Yeah but it's already been over a week" Adam mumbled. 

" _Only_ over a week" Sauli corrected softly, watching as Adam gave him a sheepish look under his brows, "We don't have to just jump straight to bed. Maybe we can do some kind of,,, touching exercises?"

Adam didn't seem too taken aback by the idea, he actually raised his chin in curiosity. 

"What are those?" He asked.

"Ways to get more comfortable with intimacy. They can be pretty simple, I heard. Such as looking at each other in the eyes while your knees touch and such" Sauli explained, "And even massages. Maybe just feet or shoulders, if you get flashbacks from hands and back"

Sauli knew this because every time he touched Adam's hands, wrists more specifically, he'd look frightened and then pull away, panting. It was worse with his back, especially the lower back. Once Sauli's hand had unnoticably slid low on Adam's back when they hugged, and it had caused Adam jump away from him, trembling. 

Sauli wasn't sure was it the back itself or the thought of him touching Adam _below_ lower back. He never asked. 

"And neck" Adam added with a heavy sigh, a little sadly. 

Right. And the neck. Adam had been choked during the assault so hard he got bruises from it and he can't bear Sauli going anywhere near his neck. 

"And the neck" Sauli confirmed. 

"How do you know all that though? About the exercises?"

"I googled" Sauli said, not wanting to tell Adam he had talked to a real psychologist about their situation. He might not understand - He'd just get upset that Sauli had told someone what had happened, even if Adam had been anonymous. She had also told Sauli that "his partner" should first "reunite" with his own body and he should do it in peace. 

The sexual satisfaction - The cabability of still feeling good after such traumatic event - could most definitely help him in the process of healing. But Sauli had no idea how he could say that to Adam. 

'Hey I also googled that you should try jerking off and take your time with it'. Yeah, didn't really do the trick.

"Okay. When can we start?" Adam asked impatiently, beaming. 

"Anytime you want" Sauli smiled. 

"Now, if you may" 

Sauli could not help but notice that Adam was barefeet and obviously the first thing that came to his mind was to give him a foot rub. He pointed at Adam's feet meaningfully, making a 'bring those here' gesture with his fingers. 

Adam smiled and pulled his feet up, placing them on Sauli's lap. He sighed when Sauli took the other one into his tender grip.

"I'm not a professional at this, mind you" Sauli said then, gently kneading the arch of Adam's foot.

"I don't care. That feels nice" 

Sauli fixed his position and begun to rub Adam's feet the best he could. He made sure to touch every patch of skin on his feet and tried to keep his hold in a way they wouldn't tickle. 

He followed Adam's body language. He was relaxed thoroughly, even his eyes were closed, and quiet sighs kept pouring from his lips. Sauli placed his hands a little higher, only around the ankle, and Adam immediately opened his eyes. He didn't tense nor try to pull away, he just opened his eyes. 

It wasn't long before he closed them again. Sauli staid around the ankle and below, not even trying to go to his calves. 

Sauli watched down at Adam's feet as his hands slid over he skin. Adam had pretty feet for a man, if you can say that. The skin was smooth and pale, his toenails painted black but the nailpolish was starting to wear off. It has probably not been a top priority for Adam lately to paint his nails the second the older layer wears off. 

Sauli sighed quietly, holding Adam's left foot to his chest almost like hugging it. Then he brought it higher and kissed Adam's toes which made Adam open his eyes again. 

He was smiling,

"Don't tell me you have some kind of foot fetish" 

Sauli shook his head, kissing Adam's foot once more before letting it back down. 

_I have an Adam fetish_ , his mind said. Sauli didn't want to say it to Adam though, he might take it the wrong way under these circumstances. He really didn't need to start thinking that Sauli sexualizes every part of his body. He doesn't, he just finds Adam thoroughly beautiful. 

He doesn't think much of people's stomachs but he could spent hours kissing Adam's. Nor does he find armpits and knees anything special but somehow he really likes Adam's.

Anyway, he actually remembers Adam telling him he likes it when his customers have foot fetishes because they rub his feet. 

"That wasn't bad at all" Adam said to him, flexing his toes, "You're very good"

"Thank you" Sauli smiled, "And how did you feel,,, You know, inside?"

Adam shrugged,

"I felt okay. Relaxed. That's a good sign, right?"

Sauli nodded,

"Definitely"

Adam pushed himself up and moved closer to Sauli so their legs touched. 

"Can I ask you something?" Adam asked.

"Of course" 

"If it would take me six months to let you go anywhere below my belly button, would you still wait?" 

"Of course I would" Sauli said with a small frown as though it should have been obvious, "Patience is a virtue"

"But is it _your_ virtue?" Adam asked.

"It is when it comes to you" Sauli whispered, "I can wait. It's not a big deal"

~*~

The following week passed by with both of them going to work normally and in the evening they would get together. Sauli has made it a habit to not work on weekends. Usully he always made paperwork during the weekends but now he has left out that too.

He is starting to see the importance of rest when it comes to his well-being. And Adam.

But he would be lying if he said the waiting wasn't at all difficult. He had no problems with the waiting itself, considering his hectic life had been pretty sex-less before he and Adam slept together about a month ago, but it was the fact that Adam was around him so much and suddenly he felt like he was not allowed to even get turned on by him. In any way. Not even from thoughts. 

More often than not though, such thoughts didn't even cross his mind. When Adam was trembling in the corner of the couch with tears in his eyes, and that happened at least once a day, Sauli forgot about the physical intimacy for a good while and was focused on how to calm Adam down a notch. 

Now Sauli was sitting on the floor, once again in Malibu, scraping a picture of Pharaoh on the paper. Adam had his drawings folder on his lap and he was browsing through his works on the bed.

"Where's this place?" Adam asked suddenly, holding up one of the drawings.

Sauli glanced over,

"Oh, that'd be in Finland. I drew that last Christmas"

"So much snow" Adam said in awe, "Don't you get cold?"

"Yeah, especially now when I'm so used to California" Sauli said and sighed in frustration when Pharaoh moved, deciding he was no longer lying still on this floor like some kind of exhibition piece. 

Sauli got up and put his WIP on his nightstand. 

To his great surprise, Adam grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him on the bed. More specifically against him, causing them to fall on the mattress on top of each other.

"Woah. Hi. What are you- What the-?" 

It all came out sounding like absolute nonsense. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that" Adam said, "But hi"

" _Hi_ " Sauli wheezed, surprisingly over-whelmed by the warmth of Adam's body that was right beneath him, "Mind the drawings" 

Adam pushed the drawings folder as far away from them as he could reach. 

Then Sauli opened his mouth to ask Adam what was in his mind but before he could utter a word, Adam pressed his finger on his lips, hushing him. Sauli knew he was not supposed to talk now, even after Adam dropped his finger. 

"Don't say anything. Let me do the talking?"

Sauli nodded. 

"My heart's beating like crazy. And it's hard to know is it because of my,,, _Feelings_ for you or is it because the last time I had someone else's bodyweight on top of me, I was... Raped just a few minutes after" Adam said, struggling with the last few words, and swallowed thickly, "And before you say 'we don't have to lay like this', yes _I know_ , but I want to. I refuse to let the incident control my whole life and especially the things I hold dear"

Sauli fought against the urge to talk. Just a few words. Especially when Adam's breath started to get uneven once again and this time Sauli could physically feel him shivering. He so much wanted to say Adam doesn't have to force himself into anything that's even a little bit uncomfortable. 

Adam really refused to let it control him since he wiggled to a different position so that his thighs were on both sides of Sauli's hips. Sauli tried not to grow too aware of the fact that he was now lying between Adam's legs and it felt all kinds of amazing.

Something he wanted to be very aware of was the expression on Adam's face. He looked uncomfortable but not as severly as he used to.

"I have a pretty good picture of what triggers anxiety in me the most. And they are all kinds of touches on my neck, I'm not sure about kisses though, too tight hold on my hands and just generally rough handling" Adam explained and took slow, deep breaths to keep his body calm, "Do you think you could remember those?"

Sauli nodded. He already knows about the neck and hands and he would have guessed that Adam doesn't want rough handling right now. It would have been common sense to him. 

"I'm not ready to have sex with you. Not yet. But do you think we could do something else? Maybe take a bath on the deck when the sun sets? Eat some snacks? Maybe take some wine"

"That sounds amazing" Sauli smiled, daring to reach out and pet Adam's hair, "I'd like that a lot"

"Me too" Adam smiled. He gently cupped Sauli's face between his palms and pecked him on the lips. Once. Twice. Then he gingerly pushed on Sauli's arms and Sauli knew well enough to get up. 

Adam pushed himself up too and gave Sauli a third kiss. 

"I wish we could be like that for a little longer. But I was starting to feel weird" Adam said, a little gloomily. 

"But at least we were like that" Sauli pointed out, "And I'm very proud of you"

Adam smiled, wide and genuine, and it was honestly one of the best things Sauli has seen all week. 

 

They agreed to watch a movie together before the evening. Adam was getting more and more used to the cuddling, even so much that they switched places at some point. Adam usually lays his head on Sauli's chest because it feels safer for him that way but now he was confident for a change. 

And it was amazing. Sauli could have fallen asleep on Adam's chest, listening to his hearbeat which was surprisingly not as rapid anymore. After the movie Adam made the bath ready while Sauli got them some snacks; grapes and strawberries, and wine. 

When he carried them on the deck with a tray, Adam was looking rather hesitant next to the tub. He was crouched next to it, swaying his hand in the water. 

"Cold feet?" Sauli asked, letting the tray down on the deck. Pharaoh came to sniff at the small cups but walked away when he found nothing interesting. 

"No. Not at all" Adam said with a smile that didn't quite reach his ears, "Not gonna lie, I'm nervous but I'm not about to change my mind. Gotta start somewhere, right?"

"I guess" Sauli said, "Swim trunks? Or not?"

"No. Well, you can if you want to but I'm not going to. Not anymore" Adam said, determination clear in his voice. 

Of course Sauli wasn't going to wear any if Adam wasn't. He would have if Adam did. But if the nudity doesn't bother him, surely it doesn't bother Sauli either. Sauli was first to get undressed, not minding about Adam looking at him. When he had gotten rid of his underwear too, he just stood there when Adam stared. 

"I'm definitely _not_ bothered by that" He declared. Sauli smiled, almost sheepishly, and slid into the hot tub. 

He was eyeing Adam when he was undressing but didn't stare as openly as Adam had stared at him. The temptation was over-whelming but he fought against it. He told himself that some day, sometimes in the future, he can look at Adam as much as he wants to, and Adam will tease him even more. 

But now it was not the time. 

The still noticed that the bruises on Adam's body were almost faded by now. 

When Adam had slid inside the tub, Sauli opened the bottle of wine.

"Just a little for me" Adam said when Sauli started pouring it in to the glasses. Sauli thought Adam might have some kind of horror scenario inside of his head where he gets too drunk and wasted, and someone will take advantage of it. But instead of telling Adam he had nothing to be afraid of, he did as Adam told him and only poured him a little. 

He shut the bottle and gave the other glass to Adam. 

"Thank you" Adam smiled, turning to look at the sky. Sauli settled next to him so he could admire the beauty of the sunset too. 

"If you don't mind me asking, what did you tell your manager?" Sauli asked. 

"Oh. Uh, I told him I have a violent stomach flu and can't work" 

Sauli cocked his eyebrow,

"Why didn't you tell him you just want to quit?"

"Because when I talked to him, I had not decided yet" Adam said in all its simplicity and took a small sip from his glass. 

Oh. Well. That explains it. He didn't want to use their special time talking about Adam and his ex "job" as an escort. He didn't know what he wanted to talk about, though.

Maybe they could just be quiet and let the moment speak. 

But Adam talked,

"I've always wondered what made you so fond of me when we first met"

Sauli let out a nervous chuckle,

"Number of things, I'd say"

"Yeah? Tell me about them" Adam beamed. 

"Some other time" Sauli smiled, not wanting to dig into all of the reasons now. It would take ages for him to explain it all to Adam.

Adam pouted,

"Okay"

"Don't pull on that pout, I promise I'll tell you some other time" Sauli said and grabbed a strawberry from the bowl, bringing it on Adam's lips. At first Adam didn't open, he kept pouting, but when Sauli playfully acted to be offended, Adam bit the tip off. 

Sauli ate the rest. 

Adam also grabbed a strawberry from the bowl but he put it between his own lips, before bringing it close to Sauli's mouth. This is getting rather interesting, Sauli thought as he wrapped his lips around the berry, his mouth so close to Adam's. They ate their own halves, not moving an inch. Adam's breath was deliciously tempting.

Normally Sauli would be touching Adam by now. First maybe his knee, then tease him by stroking his thigh. Now he couldn't bring himself to do that, he didn't want to ruin anything. 

Adam pushed their mouths together, letting his lips slide snoothly over Sauli's. Sauli kissed him back eagerly yet kept it tender. 

Adam didn't pull away when he put his own glass on the deck, and then Sauli's. He took Sauli's hand and brought it down in the water and on his waist. Sauli sighed in bliss, his fingertips digging on the soft skin. 

Adam was still holding onto his arm but Sauli felt so happy that he felt Adam's skin underneath his fingers while kissing him. Kissing Adam obviously felt good and his body was reacting to it, begging for some more action. 

Sauli let out a whimper when he felt Adam's tongue stroke his lips. 

"God, I'm sorry" Adam said suddenly, licking his lips, "Here I am kissing you, knowing very well that it won't go much further than that. This must be torture to you"

"It's the sweetest kind of torture ever" Sauli whispered, already feeling out of breath, "I don't think you're tease. I think you're doing amazing with your recovery"

"Thank you" Adam smiled, "And I feel quite relaxed now too"

"That's good" 

They shared a smile before Adam kissed him again. Sauli has always thought he's pretty incredible kisser and even though he was much more hesitant now, it was still one of the best kisses he has ever received. 

Adam moved Sauli's hand on his body; Letting him touch his hip, outer side of his thigh and even his chest and that's where he left Sauli's hand, dropping his own. Sauli only rubbed with his thumb a little, feeling the hair prickle his own skin. He moved his hand just enough to feel the hard peak of Adam's nipple. 

Gosh. If he could just bent down and-

That's when he got too lost in the feeling. It was an unconscious move but it was the worst kind of move - He had slid his hand up on the side of Adam's neck. He didn't even notice it himself until Adam flinched away from the kiss, pushing him off almost violently, whimpering something along the lines of 'get away from me' and 'please stop'.

"Oh shit. Fuck, I'm so sorry" Sauli said in pure panic when Adam had lurched over the edge of the tub, panting heavy and holding a hand over his mouth. It all happened so fast Sauli's brains barely had time to register it. 

"Do you feel sick?" Sauli asked, watching as Adam nodded, "You want me to get a bucket?"

Adam nodded again. 

Sauli dashed out of the tub and rushed to the bathroom, grabbing the first object that could pass as a bucket. It was actually a bowl he used when he had a foot treatment at home. 

He rushed back to the deck and pushed the bowl to Adam who immediately clutched on it. Pharaoh had appeared next to him once again, looking concerned about his owner. 

Sauli felt like going as far away from Adam as he possibly could so he could never ever do what he just did, again. But he only wrapped a towel around himself and crouched next to the tub, reaching out to rub Adam's shoulder when he heavied. 

When the nausea passed, Adam pushed the bowl away. 

"I'm so sorry you have no idea" Sauli said, frowning at the weird crack in his voice. 

"It was an accident" Adam murmured, "These stupid flashbacks..."

Adam looked at the towel around his waist and frowned,

"You're leaving?"

"Well-"

"Come back here" Adam said softly, "In the tub, right now"

Sauli sighed, unwrapping the towel and slid back into the tub. Adam pulled him closer with a gentle smile, like Sauli was the one who needed reassuring. 

For God's sake, he really is. 

"You look frightened" Adam stated. 

Sauli just gave him a look that said 'no really'.

"The second you touched my neck, I got a flashback. It probably came so easily because I had my eyes closed and I was so lost in the feeling... I couldn't see you. That's why I pushed you off so roughly because my mind had drifted to the incident. But the second I heard your voice, asking me if I feel sick, I remembered I'm here with you. And I'm safe" Adam explained, reaching out to squeeze Sauli's hand. Adam looked scared as well but for a very different reason,

"Please, don't give up on me" He said, his lower lip trembling, "I need you"

Sauli felt something sting in his eyes, a feeling he hasn't felt in years. 

"Never" He managed to say, but it came out as a croak, "We'll work this out. Together"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I was quick with this one.


	7. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some haunting memories come face to face. Sauli and Adam take things to the next level.

Sauli was watching a scene happening right before him. It was Adam happily chatting with another man and somehow it made Sauli feel jealous. 

He was frustrated. He wanted to talk to Adam and he wanted him to introduce the mystery guy to him, but he didn't want to interfere. But maybe it was a friend of his, Sauli told himself. And Sauli really wanted to get to know them. However, he was still beginning to grow restless. 

He watched Adam's face. He wasn't smiling so widely anymore and said something to the guy. If anything, Adam looked a little flustered while saying the words. But whatever Adam had just said to the guy, didn't make him too happy. 

Sauli frowned when the man dropped his hand between Adam's legs. What the _fuck_ does he think he's doing? Unless... 

Unless Adam is doing his job. 

The thought alone made Sauli feel sad. 

Adam shook his head and pushed the guy's hand away. The guy grew more aggressive looking, not at all pleased by the rejection. He seized Adam by his shoulders. Sauli's fingers twitched when the guy swiftly turned Adam around and slammed him down against the table top. 

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Sauli yelled, or so he thought he yelled, but no sound came out of his mouth. When the guy forced Adam's pants lower, Sauli tried screaming again and to run and help him but his feet weighed like 20kg dumb bells. Each. 

"Stop it!" He tried to yell again. He heard Adam screaming in pain but no matter how hard Sauli tried to run, he couldn't. His knees gave in under his weight and he collapsed on the floor. Suddenly Adam noticed Sauli, his teary eyes locking with Sauli's. 

"Sauli..." 

"Baby..." Sauli whimpered, tears streaming down his own face too. 

"Sauli!" Adam yelled louder. 

"I'm sorry..." Sauli whispered, "I can't..."

"Sauli, wake up!" 

Suddenly he grew aware of his body and he could feel his legs, they weren't so heavy anymore. He blinked, his heart still beating ridiculously fast and so loud he barely heard anything over it. It was dark around him and he couldn't see much but his eyes soon focused on the face hovering above him. 

"You were dreaming" Said the face with a familiar voice.

"Adam?" Sauli whispered, swallowing the lump in his throat. He rubbed his tired eyes and noticed he had been weeping for real and not just in his dream.

"Of course it's me" Adam said quietly, "What's wrong?"

Funny enough, Sauli has asked that from Adam almost every night at some point since the rape incident. He never saw Adam asking it from _him_ in the middle of the night. 

"Thank God" Sauli sighed, wrapping his arms around Adam, "It was awful,,, I couldn't-"

"It was just a dream" Adam hushed into his ear.

Whatever Adam was saying to him seemed to go in from one ear and straight out from the other. All Sauli could focus on was the dream that had been so vivid. 

"I couldn't help you... He was- I tried-"

"Shhh, calm down" Adam whispered, stroking his back. Sauli tried to do just that, taking deep and slow breaths, face buried to Adam's neck. He breathed in Adam's familiar scent; Fresh from shower with a conditioner that smelled like coconuts. 

Slowly but surely his rapid heartbeat calmed down and he pulled away from Adam. 

"What were you dreaming about?" Adam asked with a little frown, "I haven't seen you toss and turn so much before"

"It was nothing... Just a very disturbing dream" Sauli said, glancing at the end of the bed where Pharaoh was sprawled out on his back, sleeping and completely unaware of anything happening around him. 

For a long time he slept quite lightly at nights too, jumping awake every time Adam made the tiniest whimper in his sleep. During the past few nights he hasn't been so alert, maybe he senses that Adam is getting better. Or that Sauli can comfort him too. 

"Sure you don't wanna talk about it?" Adam asked.

"Yeah. I'm okay now" Sauli said with a little smile.

There is no point in telling Adam what the dream was about. He would just get anxious and start blaming himself for Sauli's discomfort. 

"Okay then" Adam smiled, "Back to sleep?" 

Sauli nodded. He took a sip of water from the bottle on his nightstand and turned to Adam to give him a little peck on the lips. 

Then he settled back on his spot, lying on his side. He felt the bed shift and the cover was raised, and Adam's body appeared right behind him, flush against his back. 

Adam brought his arm over him and whispered into his ear,

"You mind?" 

"No" Sauli said immediately, taking Adam's hand and brought his fingers to his lips, "Not at all"

If there was a feeling comparable to what he imagined being in Heaven would feel, this was definitely it.

~*~

A couple of weeks went by. Adam was doing okay for the most part, the nightly panic attacks and nightmares have decreased in amount significantly. Even though he still got flashbacks during the daytime, at least he could sleep more peacefully.

He had told his manager that he's keeping a break. Adam told Sauli that he was reluctant, but had agreed. Sauli still didn't understand why couldn't Adam just tell the guy that he quits. Adam also finally went to the medical center but "only" to get tested for STDs. 

The results were thankfully negative.

Otherwise Adam's progress has been incredible. He was smiling way more often by now and Sauli could even say things are _normal_ most of the time. Even though he actually hates the word, but that's how he felt. Lengthy hugs, cuddles, kisses, conversations and dates...

When it came to sex though, it was everything but normal. But if that was the prize Sauli had to pay for dating Adam, he happily paid it. But the more time passed by, the more scared he got that he might never be able to touch Adam again. 

They have kissed, made out even, but they have left Sauli feel hot and bothered every time and not always in the good kind of way. Adam would put a stop to it whenever Sauli got "too eager".

Such thoughts made him hate himself even more. 'Of course you put your needs above his, how typical of you', his devilish mind kept telling him, 'Can't keep it in your pants anymore? Sort out your priorities, for fuck's sake'. 

Sauli swiped his papers down from his desk and groaned, hiding his face to his hands.

_'He was raped you selfish dick'_

"Mind where you toss your papers!" Adam said, "You almost hit Pharaoh" 

Sauli raised his face from his hands and glanced at the floor, where Pharaoh was looking at him firmly, like he couldn't believe Sauli almost hit him with a pile of papers and a few pen in addition to that. 

"Sorry" Sauli mumbled, reaching down to give him a gentle pet. 

"You're working too much again" Adam said, getting up from the armchair he was slouching on and browsing a photo album he had found from Sauli's bookshelf. 

"I swear I'm not" Sauli said coldly. He couldn't tell Adam what was really bugging him because he knows he'd take it the wrong way. 

"Yes, you are" Adam insisted, walking up to him and wrapped his arms around his shoulders from behind, "Why don't you put your work aside for a moment?" 

Sauli shivered when the hot breeze of Adam's breath brushed against his ear. 

"You know I can't. Not now. I have have to go to pick up Jennifer soon"

Sauli and Jennifer had decided to start work on a project together. They had agreed to meet the other half of the project, the head of a renovating company, for a coffee in a coffeeshop where Adam worked at. That's why he's heading to work later this morning. They agreed to meet up at 2 p.m. but he was preparing his papers. 

"That's three hours away" Adam chuckled, "And I head to work at 12.00, so. Besides, you shouldn't-"

"I'm not working too much!" Sauli insisted, raising voice even though he really didn't mean to do it. Adam dropped his hands from his shoulders and Sauli could only imagine the look on his face. 

"Okay" Came the quiet voice and Sauli has already named it the 'sad puppy' voice, "I was just trying to help"

Sauli sighed, spinning his chair around and faced Adam. He was right - He didn't just sound like a sad puppy but actually looked like one too. 

"I'm sorry. I know you mean well" Sauli said. He tried to pull Adam closer by his hand (lately he has been more comfortable with hand-holding. The wrists are still a danger-zone) but Adam's feet wouldn't move, and his pout got more prominent. 

Ohhh, he's not just a _sad_ puppy but also a little mad puppy. 

"Then why can't you tell me what bugs you?" Adam asked. 

"I-" Sauli's sentence was interrupted by a phone call. He grabbed his phone to see who it was, "It's Jen. I have to take this" 

He answered the phone and watched as Adam scrunched his nose at him like a little kid, then went back to sit on the arm chair he was sitting on minutes ago. 

He took the photo album back on his lap and proceeded to browse it through. 

When Sauli ended the phone call, he put his phone back on the desk and looked at Adam who ignored him completely, only focusing on his photo album. He didn't see Adam being this sensitive but maybe the recent events have changed his mindset a bit. At least for some time. 

The room grew awfully silent as Sauli continued to work on his papers and Adam browsed the album. But what could he say? 'Yeah I'm sorry but I don't feel like I'm up to having painful blue balls again'. 

Sauli sighed again, running his hands down his face. He seriously couldn't sink any lower in self-loathing. 

Adam left for work in about an hour, only telling Sauli to feed Pharaoh before he leaves too. He didn't even get a goodbye kiss. 

When it was time for Sauli to leave, he fed Pharaoh and took him out for a walk, then made sure he has enough water. He left the flat, grabbig his car keys and other stuff, and made his way to the coffeeshop.

As they were waiting for the other participant to show up, Sauli told Jennifer that the guy he was dating is now working behind the desk. 

Jennifer had almost spit her water out of her mouth when she glanced over and actually paid closer attention to Adam. 

"Nice catch" She said with a wink and tapped a napkin against her lips to wipe the water off her painted lips, "He looks stunning"

"I know" Sauli said smugly. He was glad that Jennifer didn't mention anything about Adam being a prostitute. Not that it would have bothered Sauli, being the one who has accepted Adam's history, but it was not the topic he wanted to talk about for very many reasons. 

"He looks a little pissed at you though" Jennifer said, shooting a questioning look at Sauli. 

Sauli sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, 

"Yeah, well. I don't know why though. I raised my voice _a little_ and said nothing that he should be upset about"

"Exactly. Maybe it's not what you said but what you didn't say" Jennifer suggested, "Something for you to think about. Anyway, I think that's our participant" She said then, pointing towards the door at a man in a fancy looking suit. 

"It seems" Sauli said and stood up with Jennifer so the man would notice them. He approached them and shook their hands, introducing himself as Nicholas.

"Very nice to meet you, I am very excited about this project" He said. 

"So are we! Please have a sit" Sauli said and sat down himself too. 

Once they had sat down, Sauli spun around to see if there was a barista around. He could only see Adam and he didn't really want to gesture him to come to their table. It would feel like bossing around his own boyfriend who also happens to be mad at him. 

"That's his job, you can call him" Jennifer chuckled, almost like she had just read his thoughts, "Or I can, if you don't want to"

"Please" Sauli said, feeling himself blush. When Jennifer gestured to Adam, he came in just a few seconds, holding a little notebook and a pen. 

"What can I get you?" He asked, mostly eyeing just Sauli. Sauli smiled at him regardless of their little fraud, then turned to Jennifer so she could say what she wants. Ladies first.

"I'd take one medium cappuccino" She said. Sauli watched as Adam wrote it down, then Sauli looked at Nicholas who was scratching his stubbly chin, eyeing the small menu that was placed on a small stand in the middle of the table, thinking. Adam followed Sauli's gaze and waited for the man to say his order. 

"I'd like to have just a regular coffee" He said. 

"Milk? Sugar?"

"Just milk, please" Nicholas said, raising his head with a little smile directed at Adam, "Damn, the sugar is tempting but I must keep myself away from it now"

Sauli watched Adam's mouth gape slightly open and he looked pale in a way that he always does just before he's about to throw up. Sauli was about to clear his throat but Adam blinked before he did, writing down what Nicholas had said.

"Coming right up" He said. 

He turned to Sauli with a smile but the smile was forced. Sauli could see it. He prays that Adam wouldn't have to deal with an anxiety attack at work, they're bad enough at home, so let alone at work while surrounded by so many people.

"Just a medium latte for me, please" Sauli said. Adam nodded, starting to write it down but he dropped his pen on the floor. 

"Oho" Sauli said and he reached down under the table to grab the pen and handed it to Adam. 

"How clumsy of me" Adam said with an awkward chuckle, "Thank you"

"Are you alright?" Sauli asked when Adam had turned away from the table, "You want me to come with you?" he added with a quiet tone so none of the other tables could hear. 

Adam turned just enough to shake his head at him,

"I'm fine"

Sauli just nodded, frowning. He noticed both Jennifer and Nicholas looked a little taken aback by Adam's weird behavior. 

"Did I- Did I say something bad?" Nicholas asked, quietly. 

It's not the first time Adam gets uneasy around men he doesn't know. Once he had almost smacked a young gentleman in a store because he accidentally brushed the side of Adam's leg when he bent down to fix his child's jacket. Sauli can't say that to Nicholas, though.

"No. He's been through some stuff not too long time ago. It still haunts him occasionally" Sauli said to them both. Jennifer was still looking at Adam who was now behind the desk by a coffee machine. His co-worker, the little lady, was stroking his arm and saying something but obviously Sauli couldn't hear what. He noticed Adam nod though, so he was probably asked if he was okay. 

"That's so unfortunate. I'd hate to think that I make him uncomfortable" Nicholas said, "Shall we start on these papers?" he asked then, pulling out a pile of papers from his briefcase. 

"Absolutely" Sauli said. Jennifer finally tore her eyes off Adam. If they were alone, Sauli would tell her to stop eyeing his man. She put her glasses on to read her copy of the paper. 

"We're speaking about very big numbers here" Nicholas, "The properties-"

"Your coffees" Came Adam's voice then, quicker than expected, and he placed the tray on their table with noticably shaky hands. 

"Careful with the papers, they're important" Nicholas said with a calm chuckle but Sauli knew he wouldn't be laughing if Adam spilled the coffee on the contracts and other papers. 

Jennifer thanked Adam for the coffee. When Adam left, Sauli noticed he wasn't the only one looking after him. The only difference was that he was looking at Adam so see if he's okay but Nicholas' eyes were directed somewhere lower. 

Sauli cocked his eyebrow and cleared his throat. Nicholas almost jumped and turned his head to look at Sauli. Sauli gave him a smile that basically said 'Stop looking at my boyfriend's ass in my presence'.

"That's my boyfriend" Sauli stated.

"Oh?" Nicholas smiled with questioning eyes, then his eyes suddenly got wider, "Oh! No. No! I wasn't checking him out, I'm straight. I was actually looking at her" He said, nodding towards Adam's direction but Sauli now noticed there was a female customer at the desk, leaning against it. 

Sauli felt embarrassed now. 

"Not that it makes it any better,,, I shouldn't be staring at anyone while we're working. But I'm only human" Nicholas said. 

Sauli just hummed. Who wouldn't have ever checked out someone in public? He used to sit in this coffeeshop all the time and stare at Adam's rear.

"As I was saying, the properties are very old and need some major renovating done. When you contacted our company, I went to check on the houses and noticed the bathrooms and kitchen need a complete _re-modeling_ done before they can be put back on the market" Nicholas explained while showing pictures of the pipes in the bathroom, "It's very old fashioned here and I'm concerned about the quality and age of the pipes"

Sauli doesn't have much idea about remodeling or even renovating so Nicholas' help comes really in handy. Jennifer has a designer eye when needed but that's pretty much it. But together they can create bomb ass houses that are worth millions. 

"So have to get the pipes changed?" Jennifer asked. 

"And relocated" Nicholas added, "So the washing machine could be placed on the back wall so-"

"We'd get more storage room" 

"Exactly"

Sauli nodded, so far he's satisfied with what he's seeing and hearing. He took a sip of his latte and glanced at Adam who was eyeing their table, looking as uncomfortable and shaky as ever but there was something different. His eyes were red and he seemed to be on the verge of tears. He gave Sauli a helpless look, nodding his head towards Nicholas in what Sauli thought was meaningfully. 

Sauli glanced back at Nicholas. Then back at Adam with a small frown, shaking his head as though to say he doesn't know what Adam is trying to say to him. 

He noticed Adam sigh and glance around himself, then he tried mouthing something to Sauli. Sauli squinted his eyes. 

"Are you paying attention?" Nicholas asked him, making Sauli's head snap back towards the table. 

"Of course" He said, but couldn't stop thinking of what's up with Adam. 

They went through the photos and papers while drinking their coffees. They were done in a solid 45 minutes. 

Nicholas started gathering his papers to his briefcase,

"I hope we can meet again soon, maybe at the houses" He said. He stood up and reached over the table to shake Jennifer's hand and then Sauli's, "It was a pleasure to meet you. And I wish all the best for you and Adam, so sorry for causing him to act weird. Was certainly not my intention"

"Oh, it's okay. You're not the first one to-" Sauli's words faded away when he realized what Nicholas had just said, "I'm sorry, how did you know his name?" he asked, squinting his eyes in curiosity. 

"Erm, you mentioned it to me...?"

"Did I?" Sauli asked, mostly from himself but he also glanced at Jennifer. 

She didn't have time to say anything when Sauli's brains already put all the puzzle pieces together. Nicholas looked very confused but also unease, fixing the collar of his shirt.

"That's why Adam is so uncomfortable... He's not just anxious, he's scared" Sauli muttered under his breath. 

"What was that?"

"It was you, wasn't it?" Sauli asked, his tone quiet and almost soft considering the circumstances, but his insides were boiling with disgust and anger.

"Was what...?" Nicholas asked, glancing at Jennifer like he was desperate to know what he was talking about. Jennifer just shrugged at him, eyeing all Sauli, Adam and Nicholas. Sauli started to pant in fury,

"Don't pretend you don't know, you sick son of a-"

"Sauli!" Jennifer interrupted, "Calm down. What's going on?" She hissed at him. 

"He raped my boyfriend" Sauli whispered, the fury inside of him sizzling and burning like a volcano that was about to erupt any second. He wasn't even thinking clearly; He didn't even realize he basically just told Jennifer that Adam has been raped. 

"I beg your pardon" Nicholas said, in a quiet voice to not attract any attention on them, "I swear that I have no idea what you're talking about"

"Don't lie to me" Sauli hissed, almost throwing himself over the table so he could get a grip of the guy's throat, but Jennifer scooted up too and held him back by his shoulder, "What kind of person does something like that? How can you _not_ feel any kind of remorse?"

Nicholas' mouth gaped open and he shook his head in what looked like confusion, again glancing at Jennifer for help. 

"I think it's best if you leave" Jennifer said calmly, to Nicholas.

"Jen, you don't think that I-"

"Don't even talk to her. We're done with the cooperation. I don't wanna work with you..." Sauli said.

Nicholas seemed almost smug now. He didn't say another word as he gathered the rest of his papers from the table to his briefcase. It was enough to tell Sauli that he indeed was the one who had dared to do such thing to Adam. 

"You're making a mistake. You're losing millions here"

"You hurt my boyfriend in the worst possible way" Sauli said, scarily calm once again, "So do you really think I give a shit about a few million dollars?"

"No one is going to believe him" He said to Sauli.

"I do" Sauli stated. 

Nicholas chuckled, shaking his head. Sauli jolted over the table again but Jennifer, once again, restrained him from attacking the man right then and there. 

Nicholas glanced over at Adam who all but jumped the second his eyes lay on him, quickly turning his eyes away. 

"He makes the sweetest sounds when you hit it just right" Nicholas whispered, his tongue trailing over his upper lip and his eyes had suddenly turned almost psychopathic, "Although I can't complain about the sounds he made last time either-"

"You-!"

"Sauli" Jennifer restrained him again, holding him back, "Not here, not now"

"See you around" Nicholas said as he walked out the door. 

"He's not worth it" Jennifer said and let go of Sauli.

"But he's walking the streets like nothing happened" Sauli squeaked, "God knows what he'll-"

"That's what Adam has decided, right? He can start fighting later if he wants to. Until that you have to restrain yourself. Last thing Adam needs is a violence accusation to you" Jennifer said, "I noticed he went to the backrooms" she added. 

Sauli ignored all of the looks other customers gave to their direction, and headed to the staff backrooms. First there was a storage room and a door to the locker room and bathroom. 

Sauli noticed Adam's co-worker standing behind the bathroom door. 

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"I am" Came Adam's voice from behind the door, "Just got a little nauseous. I'll be out in a second"

"Can somebody tell me what's going on?" The tiny woman asked in frustration, throwing her hands in the air, "My friend is locked up in the bathroom and you tried to punch our customer" she said, pointing at Sauli, "Adam has told me about you so I know you but you", she continued, turning to Jennifer, "I don't even know who you are! What are you doing in the staff room?!" 

"I-" Jennifer started but Adam stepped out of the room which made her stop talking. Both she and Adam's co-worker looked at him. 

"Calm down, Ali" Adam said. 

"No! Not until someone tells me what just happened?" The woman, "Ali" apparently, said, looking at Adam, "I have known you for almost ten years and you don't even bother to tell me what's going on with you" she said, her eyes visibly wet and swollen by now. 

Sauli was eyeing Adam too. He looked calm, a little pale, but otherwise quite well.

"I was raped a few weeks ago" He said quietly, reaching for Sauli's hand as though he was looking for some kind of comfort and encouragement. 

"What? I mean... How? When? _What_?" Alisan asked quietly, squinting her still swollen eyes. Her mouth looked slack from the shock. 

"And the guy Sauli was ready to beat up was the one who did it..." Adam said. Alisan stood still for several seconds, taking in the information that she just received. 

Then she burst into tears, scooting to Adam and wrapped her arms around him. 

"And you decided not to tell me because...?"

"Because I was embarrassed" Adam said quietly, "You told me not to get involved with prostitution" 

"I did! But it still doesn't mean this is your fault!" She said, pulling away so she could look at Adam in the eyes. They heard a bell ring, a customer can play the ring if there is no one behind the desk. 

"Oh crap... I go" Alisan said, "We'll talk later"

Adam just nodded. 

When Alisan left, Adam moved to lean against the bathroom door and slid on the floor. 

"I have a meeting in 20 minutes but I can cancel" Sauli said to him, crouching down to his level. 

"No. You can go. I'll be with you when you get home" 

"You sure?" 

Adam nodded, attempting a little smile. Sauli kissed Adam's forehead and got on his feet, glancing at Jennifer as if to ask if she'll come too. He could drive her to the office. 

"No, I'll uh- I'd like to talk to Adam" She said, making Sauli cock his eyebrow. 

"But why would-"

"Just go to your meeting" Jennifer said to him, almost pushing him out, "Just go" 

Sauli did, but he glanced behind him by the door to see Jennifer sit down on the floor next to Adam. He didn't see much else before he went.

~*~ 

Sauli was anxious as he was waiting for Adam to come to his place. He went to his meeting and got home right after but it surely felt like eternity since he saw Adam. How come Jennifer can make Adam talk for more than an hour when he can't make him talk for more than 5 minutes?

About the incident. Some other things Adam could talk about for days. 

It took another fifteen minutes before Adam arrived. He looked relaxed and seemed to be in great spirits, as surprising as it was. He greeted Pharaoh, then turned to Sauli.

"Hey" Adam said with that same cheeky smile he always had before all of the bad stuff happened. The smile Sauli was crazy about when they first met. 

"Hi" Sauli smiled, surprised when Adam grabbed him by the hips and kissed him, slowly pushing him through the corridor to Sauli's bedroom, "What's this?" Sauli asked.

"Me trusting in you" Adam whispered, "Seeing things from another perspective"

Sauli let out a surprised squeak when he was nudged on the bed and Adam followed, straddling his hips. He had no idea what on Earth had happened and why Adam was suddenly so eager to sex him up. 

Especially when he had just faced his rapist some hours ago. 

"You remember when we slept together and I left you the note, saying that I don't want you to pay because no one has ever made me feel like you did?" Adam asked, his face hovering just inches away from Sauli's. 

Sauli nodded. 

"I want to feel that way again" Adam whispered, "About a week ago I uh,,, took my time with myself, if you know what I mean. It was oddly powerful to be able to feel that away after what happened..."

Sauli was so glad he didn't have to find a way how to tell Adam he should try masturbating. He had done it and figured it out all by himself, thank Goodness for that. 

"It was also quite relaxing. I wasn't thinking much, I was just focusing on what felt good physically... It was like discovering my sexuality all over again" 

Sauli was very aware of how much his face was heating up. He had the man of his dreams straddling his hips, telling him about his blissful solo sex session just an inch or two apart from Sauli's lips, and Sauli has not touched this man sexually in forever. 

It really didn't take a lot to make him hot and bothered.

"Are you okay?" Adam asked, "You're flushed"

"Yeah, well... The images you put in my mind, so... "

Adam smiled. It was a mischevous grin Sauli has not seen in ages.

"And the next time... I did a lot of thinking" Adam said quietly, his hot breath luring Sauli's every nerve, "I thought about you and our first time together..." 

Sauli could practically taste Adam's breath. The first, though short, brush of lips made the heat in Sauli's guts heat up. 

"Those lips... I think you got every freckle" Adam said, grinning again.

Well, Sauli didn't want to miss an inch from Adam's body. It's no secret he worshipped the fuck out of his body. Quite literally. 

"I know this must have been tough for you too. I never meant to put you through such thing but I'm glad you 'struggled' through it so patiently" Adam said then, more seriously. The air was still crushingly heavy around them. 

"I'd do anything for you" 

It just kind of slipped. 

Adam probably didn't expect him to say something like that because he was quiet for several seconds before he spoke again,

"I can't gurantee it'll go effortlessly... But I wanna try. I'm _ready_ to really try" He said.

Sauli's heart was beating ridiculously fast by now. He didn't care if they had to stop in the middle of everything but at least they'll _try_. 

"And when I say we should try... It means that we should do it like we used to. Without you having to keep your hands on the same spot all the time" Adam explained and nuzzled Sauli's cheek, "You think you can do that?"

Now don't sound too eager, Sauli's mind pointed out. 

"Fuck yes" 

Yeah, like that. 

But Adam just chuckled, finally bringing their mouths together. Sauli sighed, cradling the back of Adam's neck as his lips were sliding against Adam's. 

He plaid with Adam's hair for a good while before lowering his hands to his shoulders and from there to his back. 

Adam made an incoherent sound and pulled away. 

"Your glasses are on the way" He chuckled, taking Sauli's glasses off. It took a few seconds for Sauli's eyes to focus the best they could. Sometimes he feels like Adam takes them off just so Sauli couldn't see his "imperfections" so clearly. 

"What did Jennifer say to you?" He asked then as he took a breath, not able to let it go.

"I made a promise not to tell" Adam said, licking his swollen lips, "But she was able to say things no one else has been able to. She offered perspective"

"Well, I'll tell her my thanks when I see her" Sauli said, flipping them around. Adam made a squeak in surprise, and suddenly Sauli remembered this doesn't mean he should do such moves on him. But Adam just giggled, cupping Sauli's face. 

They looked at each other for a good while, stroking each other's cheeks. 

"Promise me something though..." Adam whispered. 

"Hm?"

" _Gently..._ "

"I promise" Sauli said. He pressed a kiss between Adam's brows before nuzzling his cheek, then bringing his lips onto his neck. He wasn't sure if it was a good thing to do but Adam told him not to hold back. He didn't linger though, he just kissed the spot he knew drove Adam crazy, then gingerly sucked on the skin.

Adam let out a soft sound but it wasn't exactly out of pleasure. Instead of baring more of his throat, he brought his chin closer to his chest as though to get away. 

"Okay. Not there quite yet" Sauli whispered, "It's okay. I still have plenty of your sweet spots in my mind" he smiled, sliding a little lower and kissed Adam's collarbone.

"I know you do" Adam said, "I think you found them all the last time. Unless you have forgotten..."

Sauli smiled against his skin, 

"You dare to doubt my memory? May I point out that I could point each and every freckle on your body _without_ wearing my glasses?" He asked. 

"Well, that's a relatively easy task since I'm basically covered in them" Adam pointed out, smiling as he watched Sauli unbutton his shirt.

"Like a piece of art" Sauli sighed in awe, leaning down to kiss the revealed skin of Adam's stomach. He stroked his sides while pressing kisses around the entire of his belly, and especially his belly button. 

"I'm a ginger" Adam stated, like it would somehow abrogate what Sauli had just said. 

"A rare breed" Sauli grinned, nosing the fine line of hair leading into Adam's pants, "Who likes normal anyway"

"You're sweet" Adam said quietly, and his tone made Sauli look up into his eyes. Something jumped in his stomach, something powerful that made him feel happier and more terrified than he has ever been in his life. 

"You're sweeter" Sauli whispered, "Come up" he said, pulling Adam to sit up so he could push the shirt off his shoulders. 

After that Sauli removed his own, tossing it aside. He then pushed Adam back on the bed, locking his lips to a needy kiss. He has been thinking about what it would feel like to have Adam's skin against his after all this time. Turns out it was 100x better than what he had imagined. 

Adam shifted his thighs apart, then pulled Sauli flush against him with his legs. Sauli let out a moan, his hips jerking automatically. Adam's sounds encouraged him to go on so he did it again, slowly grinding his dick against Adam's. 

He pushed down even harder, hungry for the sweet sounds Adam was making for him. 

Sauli pushed both of his hands between their bodies and unbuttoned Adam's pants. When the zipper came down, Adam pulled away from the kiss. 

Sauli gazed into his eyes, reading his expressions, before sliding his hand inside the open fly. He didn't know who sighed more heavily, him or Adam, when his hand came in contact with the hot flesh of his hard cock. 

He wrapped his fingers around it, slowly and firmly rubbing up and down. Adam's mouth gaped open, his hot pants caressing Sauli's wet lips. Sauli kissed him - Hard but quick - hand still wrapped tightly around the hardness. 

Then Sauli curled his fingers under the waisband and started tugging them lower. Adam raised his pelvis to ease the process and Sauli pulled them off his long legs, along with his underwear. 

"You okay? How'd you feel?" Sauli asked, rubbing Adam's knee. 

"Okay. A little strange... But I'm okay"

Sauli nodded, sitting up between Adam's legs. He pulled his other leg straight against his own body and kissed the side of his calf.

"I gotta admire your incredible flexibility" Sauli said with a wink. He bent the leg so he could kiss the ankle, continue his way up the calf until he met the pit of his knee. 

Adam hummed when Sauli flicked his tongue against the sensitive skin. 

Sauli smiled. That's what he remembered. He kept teasing that spot to tear more sighs and quiet moans out of Adam's throat. He then slid his lips along the inside of his thigh. 

His lips barely touched the skin yet it was enough to make Adam's body squirm on the bed. This time in the good kind of way.

Sauli crawled back up to kiss Adam on the lips,

"You still wanna do this?"

"More than anything"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorrryyy again for the delay.


	8. New perspectives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauli and Adam gets things flowing in many areas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, sorry. Not much happens in this chapter and it's also short.

Sauli still remembers the first time he had Adam in his bed. There is nothing quite like having someone you really fancy skin to skin with you in the same bed but having someone you _love_... It's a whole another level of feelings. Both physical and mental. 

Obviously this time it had its own challenges. While Sauli enjoys taking this slow - build it up with long foreplay - this time he had to take it all _really_ slow. Not that it bothered him because Adam really needed it that way, he warmed up very slowly, but Sauli on the other hand was just going blind with arousal. 

They spent a long while just kissing and touching each other before Sauli moved back to use his mouth on the rest of Adam's body. 

Sauli unlatched his mouth from Adam's nipple that he had been playing with for a good while. There probably will be suction marks all around but at least no one can see them. He moved lower until he reached Adam's cock, lying prominently against the skin of his belly. 

After the first tentative flick of his tongue against the underside of the head, Sauli looked up at Adam. He had opened his eyes but they looked hazy and his eyelids were heavy. He gave Sauli a slight nod of his head - a quiet permission. 

Sauli wasted no time to wrap his fingers around the hot flesh and angle it towards his mouth. His opened his mouth and took the head between his lips, sucking gingerly while stroking the base. The sounds pouring from Adam's mouth were quiet and delicate. Sauli recognized that they were genuine. 

Adam tangled his fingers in Sauli's hair which Sauli found highly arousing for various reasons.

Sauli spent a good while just working his mouth on the head of Adam's cock and rubbing the base with his hands, using little twists of his wrists Adam seemed to love. He'd suck hard to make Adam's back arch off the bed because of the intensity and then he'd suck so lightly Adam would yank on his hair just to remind where he currently was and what he was doing. 

Sauli took more of the shaft inside his mouth, stretching his lips wider open. He inhaled deep through his nose before bringing the head of Adam's cock to the back of his throat. He doesn't have the most sensitive gag reflex but Adam was 'well-packed', so. 

Adam sighed, tossing his head back, his fingers curling in Sauli's hair. Sauli sank lower until he could feel Adam's cock sliding down his throat. 

" _Fuck_ " Came the raspy, shuddering groan from Adam and his hips jerked. 

Sauli pulled away to take a breath but kept stroking the base with his fingers. He knew he should pin Adam's hips down if he wants to deep-throat him because he isn't entirely convinced if his gag reflex would allow the sudden thrusts. 

But he wasn't sure how it would make Adam feel to be forced to stay in place. 

Sauli kissed Adam's belly before taking his cock back into his mouth. He decided to not go too deep, he kept his lips relatively close to the head as he moved his mouth up and down.

Every sigh and moan Adam made, made Sauli even more eager. The obscence smacks and slurps, along with Adam's sounds and the swooshing of air conditioner, filled the room. 

Sauli felt like he would come any second himself. He let his mouth slide off with a wet smack, pre-cum clinging to his lips. 

"Do you have any wishes? I mean do you want me to get you off like this or-"

"No" Adam said right away, his voice lower than normally, "I'd like to fuck you" 

Sauli's cock twitched against the bedding. 

"Yeah" He murmured, "You can do that. We can do that" 

Sauli crawled up, pressing kisses along Adam's stomach and chest. It was almost automatic to go for his neck but he pulled back on the very last second and instead went for Adam's lips. 

"There's condoms in the top drawer" 

"I know" Adam smiled, rolling them over.

 

***

After a short but proper preparation, Sauli settled for a regular missionary. He'd change if Adam wanted but he figured he prefers the said position himself too. At least this time. 

They have done various different positions before. 

Also, there was a little, selfish hope inside of Sauli's head that he'd someday get to top Adam but he understands that now it's out of the question. Adam couldn't bear it now and probably not in the near future either. 

Adam entering him is always just as over-whelming. But not nearly as over-whelming as the first thrusts that are usually painfully slow and deep. Adam keeps it up for a good while so that Sauli can fully relax his body. 

Then he builds the pace up slowly, easing into a faster and faster rhythm. When he reaches a steady pace, he sways his hips and tries to change angles the best he can so he can hit the magical spot inside of Sauli.

Sauli has no complainments. He enjoys how Adam can change it up during the ride with all those little things he does. And right now, he seeemd to be his normal self. He didn't look nervous or anxious, he was just like before when they had had sex. 

And it automatically made Sauli question whether it's a mask or not. He knows Adam can fake it. So what if he's doing it now just to please him and get it done with?

Fuck. He shouldn't over-think it right now. 

_No_. During all these weeks Adam has not let him touch him the way he doesn't feel comfortable with. Sauli should trust that Adam wouldn't be doing this if he really didn't want to. 

A powerful slam of Adam's hips made him blink and yelp in surprise. He knew Adam did it to pull him out of his thoughts. 

"Earth to Sauli" He said between his pants, "I can hear you thinking... Have I gotten rusty? Tell me you're not thinking of whether you left the oven on or not" 

Sauli couldn't help a chuckle,

"Oh, no. No no" He said, tangling his fingers in Adam's thick hair, "You're amazing" 

Adam looked suspicious. 

"I make sure you don't look so bored again" He said, fixing his position a bit to get a better leverage and angle, then reached down their bodies to guide his cock back in. Sauli felt the excitement burning in his stomach at Adam's words. 

And he definitely wasn't dissapointed. Whatever he was thinking of earlier disappeared from his head in a flash when Adam started thrusting again, this time hitting his sweet spot on every thrust. 

Sauli's eyes went wide in shock before he closed them in bliss, cligning onto Adam's shoulders. He had a massive urge to just enjoy, _to devour_ , this man. He rubbed the muscles of Adam's shoulders with his thumbs, then slid his hands lower to grasp his biceps. 

Adam rammed his hips to his and Sauli was sure even his neighbors could hear the slap of their bodies slamming together in addition to the sounds of his pleasure. Not that Adam was that quiet either - He just wasn't so loud. 

And when he started to get louder, he dropped his head down to the crook of Sauli's neck to suck on his skin. 

Sauli all but whimpered in desperation, curling his arms around Adam's neck and wrapped his legs around his hips, pulling him closer (and deeper) to his body. His cock was snug between their bodies but the friction wasn't enough to make him cum.

And he kind of wanted Adam to get there first. Adam wasn't far from it though, Sauli heard it from his sounds which suddenly got more high-pitched and his thrusts got a bit slower too. 

Adam raised his head and looked at Sauli with those hazy eyes of his - eyelids heavy. Sweat was glistening on his forehead and hairline. Sauli felt something powerful inside of him and he brought their mouths together.

It wasn't long before Adam's mouth went slack and he thrust deep into Sauli's body, staying in and not pulling out, a blissful moan falling from his lips. 

"Baby..." Sauli murmured in the kiss, petting Adam's hair. Adam immediately reached down to grab the base of the condom as he pulled out. After tossing it, he wrapped his fingers around Sauli's cock. 

It only took a few strokes before he was coming, his hips flying off the bed. Sauli reached for the kleenex box and pulled out a few tissues, cleaned up his body, then took Adam's hand and wiped it too.

He tossed the kleenex' to the trash can and Adam curled up to him right away. He was beaming. He didn't look just happy but very proud of himself as well. For a good reason. 

"That was fun" He stated as he settled on top of Sauli's body.

"It was" Sauli agreed, grinning. 

"Are we doing that again?"

"Anytime you want to" Sauli said, reaching out to cup Adam's cheeks. 

Adam raised his body a little and glanced down, 

"Give it a minute or two" 

"Oh my God" Sauli chuckled, wrappig his arms around Adam's waist and flipped them around, "I'll give it a minute or two. While we wait, you want a cup of tea?"

Adam laughed, nodding,

"Sure. Why not"

~*~ 

The next day Sauli went to work with the biggest smile on his face. He got strange looks from his co-workers but it was nothing new exactly anyway so he didn't care. Stare all you want, he thought, I got laid last night.

Five times. 

He made his way straight to Jennifer's office. When he saw that the blinds of her office weren't down and she wasn't on the phone, he dared to step in. Jennifer glanced at him over the laptop and smiled at the sight of him,

"You got laid"

Sauli gasped,

"I did not" He lied, "I'm just in a very good mood"

"I can see it from your face, you totally smashed" Jennifer said casually, chuckling. 

Sauli didn't say anything, just pulled out a chair and sat on it, leaning over the desk and looked at Jennifer over the top of his glasses. 

" _What_ did you even say to him? All of a sudden he was so comfortable with everything" He murmured. 

"Offered perspective" Jennifer said and took off her glasses, "More specifically, perspective from the point of view that probably no one has been able to give him. A proof that things do get better and you can go on" 

Sauli looked at her for a while, thinking, then hummed as he realized just what she had meant with that, 

"Sorry you had to go through something like that too...Tell me where I can find him and I'll slaughter him along with Nicholas" 

Jennifer chuckled, 

"Don't bother, it's been years. But I think what I told Adam helped him to kind of believe in it. I told him how hard it was for me too to be 'normal' in the relationship again" She explained and Sauli listened, not wanting to believe that two of the people he now calls the most close to him, have both been sexually assaulted. 

It's devastating to think it's so common. 

"I told him all about the feelings I had. The guilt, the anger, the _embarrassment_ and humiliation. The pain" She listed, "We were able to understand each other. And I think he needed just that. Someone who isn't just trying to make him feel better but actually understands and knows what he's going through. It's empowering to know that you're not alone with all those feelings"

"Thank you for whatever you discussed with him" Sauli said, "I haven't been able to offer him much help"

Jennifer blinked fast, almost like she wasn't quite sure did she hear him right. 

"You're welcome" she smiled, "But what did you just say? You haven't been able to offer him much help?"

Sauli cocked his eyebrow as if to say 'yeah?'

Jennifer sighed, slightly shaking her head. She scratched her temple then crossed her arms, giving Sauli a firm look which got Sauli almost scared. 

"What?" He frowned.

"You silly little person, don't you know how much you have already helped?" She asked, "Someone would have already walked away. You were _there_ when he needed and wanted you to be. He didn't ask you to say the right things or do the right things, what matters the most is that you were _there_ "

Sauli shrugged,

"I don't know, I... At some point I felt like he was afraid of _me_ " he said quietly, "And it's the most awful feeling when the person you love the most is suddenly-"

Sauli's hands flew to his mouth like he had an inner voice that told him to stop talking. What did he just say? Out loud? To Jennifer?

Jennifer didn't even look surprised, 

"He wasn't afraid of you. He told me he easily flinches when you touch his neck or lower back because he gets flashbacks from it. But afterwards he's grateful it's _you_ he can curl up to" Jennifer explained and Sauli gave her a half-smile. Just sort of accepting what she was telling him but still not being 100% convinced by it. 

Jennifer leaned over her desk, whispering like she was sharing a secret;

"And you just said it yourself"

"Said what?" 

"You _love_ him. He might not know it but I believe he feels it"

Sauli sighed, running his hands down his face,

"I'm crazy about him" He confessed, suddenly feeling like he could burst into tears which was highly unexpected. 

"Tell him that" Jennifer pressured, "Trust me. It helps even more"

"I... I can't" Sauli said quietly, shaking his head, "What if he doesn't feel the same way?"

"He does" 

"But what _if_?" 

"There is no if" Jennifer pressured, " _I know_ "

Sauli looked into her eyes again. He then acknowledged that she indeed had a conversation with Adam last night and God knows what Adam had told her. 

Jennifer gave him a little wink. 

"Where is he now though?" She asked then, not wanting to tell too much because she had made a promise to Adam. 

"At work in the cafe. He insisted on going" 

"It's tough to break stubborn minds" Jennifer stated, putting her glasses back on, "Wanna talk about it over a lunch?"

Sauli thought about it for a second. While he feels like he doesn't really want to talk about anything right now, he wants to enjoy the happy feeling he got from yesterday, at the same time he feels like he should talk it through with someone who might understand both sides of the story.

"Yeah. Sure"

~*~

Both Sauli and Adam left work early so they could have dinner together. Before going to the restaurant, they stopped by Adam's apartment to take Pharaoh out and feed him. Adam had also received a letter from the hospital.

"Why do they charge so much from simple procedures?" Adam asked as he eyed the piece of paper in his hand, sitting dowm at the kitchen table. Sauli glanced over Adam's shoulder and frowned, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. 

"You don't have an insurance?"

"I don't even know what I have and for what... Never knew peeing to a cup and having someone probe you with a swab and needle could get so expensive" Adam said with a sigh and pushed the paper aside. 

"I can handle it, it's-"

"I'm not letting you pay for my bills" Adam said, whining almost. Sauli knew Adam would say that but it never hurt to offer his help. Financial support was also the only kind of support he felt like he was good at. 

"Of course I have money in store from all those customer 'appointments'. But it's not like it's a lot..." Adam said dimly. Sauli sighed, tightening his arms around Adam's shoulders. He wishes there was more he could say or do. 

Adam sighed too but it sounded more blissed than frustrated as he took a hold of Sauli's arms.

"Well, at least you're here" Adam said. 

"You consider that important?" Sauli asked, remembering what Jennifer told him earlier about simply being there. 

"Of course" Adam frowned, slightly turning his head and met Sauli's eyes, "You haven't figured that out already?"

"Yeah, well... Most of the time I don't really feel that important. To anyone or in anything" Sauli confessed, pulling away because he couldn't bear to look at Adam in the eyes after saying such thing out loud. He has always disliked self-pity, especially in himself.

Just like he has always "hated" people who are so open about their feelings. Well, it wasn't hate, it was some kind of bitterness because he isn't able to do it himself. 

Adam got up from the chair and walked around to stand before Sauli. Sauli looked at Adam's feet for a good while before he finally raised his eyes when Adam was just being quiet. 

"You know, for someone who claims to read people like books, you're doing awful job with reading me"

"Thanks for reminding me about it" Sauli said, stepping past Adam so once again he had his back on Adam rather than having to look at him, "At first it was relatively easy. You couldn't hide behind that cheeky mask, not from me. I saw through your seductive purrs. I was surprised to see just how insecure you were"

Sauli wasn't sure if not seeing the looks on Adam's face now was a good thing. But he couldn't say much at all if he saw him.

"You always wanted to take off my glasses because you knew I couldn't see so clearly without them. But once I see something as beautiful as you, I memorize each and every detail and I don't need my glasses for that" Sauli explained, the side of his mouth twitching to a small smile as he thought of all those times Adam did that. 

It wasn't necessarily a happy smile. 

"The more I saw you, the more blind I came when it came to reading you. It's hard to stay focused around you" Sauli said with a heavy sigh, turning around to look at Adam. 

He was listening to him in what Sauli thought was curiosity and awe. He couldn't be sure though.

"What does that mean?" Adam asked, his voice soft. Sauli took several brave steps towards Adam and looked up into his eyes. 

Sauli ignored the question and instead continued to talk,

"I used to scoff every time people said they can't live without a certain person. I have lived through my entire life basically being nothing but a loner and I've always been fine with it. It's not like I have wanted to waste my time with narrow-minded, boring ass people with whom I have nothing in common" He said, reaching out to grab the straps of Adam's tank top just because he felt like holding onto something, "Lately there has been a thought in my head that's been _killing_ me. I... I've never been so in love in my life... "

There he said it. Not exactly as straight forward as he wished but it was better than nothing. And it was the most terrifying feeling to say such thing out loud. He felt like he has never been more vulnerable to pain. 

After what seemed like forever, Adam said;

"Neither have I" 

Sauli raised his head and met Adam's twinkling eyes. Sauli slid his hands from the top straps to the sides of Adam's face, cupping his cheeks. 

" _I love you_ " He whispered. 

Adam smiled, 

"And I love you" 

Sauli sighed in all kinds of relief, wrapping his arms around Adam's neck. Adam didn't even flinch, just wrapped his arms around Sauli's waist.

"You've been amazing to me thorough this time... Every since we met. I couldn't have asked for a better person to come across. And your support during this whole rape thing has been indespensable" 

Sauli swallowed the lump in his throat,

"I always feel like the only thing I'm good at is selling houses" 

"You have to stop doing that" 

"Doing what?"

"Think so low of yourself" Adam said. 

"Everybody does it" Sauli pointed out. 

"You take it to a whole another level" Adam said with a small chuckle, "I've always been fascinated by mysterious minds. When you get a present, you want it in a wrap or in a little gift bag so you can unwrap it layer by layer and see what's in there. It gets kind of boring when you see it all the second you get it. There is no surprise" he explained. 

"And what if you find something unpleasant from the wrap?" Sauli asked. 

"You are a very difficult person to discuss with"

"Thanks, I know. But _what if_?"

Adam sighed, pulling away from the hug and held Sauli by the shoulders,

"Stop living your life in the shadow of 'what if'. You want to miss my point on purpose" He said, giving Sauli a look that made him want to swallow his tongue and not argue against anything that Adam says, "I'm trying to say that we all have our own secrets we don't like sharing with others. Some have more, some less, but we all have 'em. I have seen this side of you before and so far I'm not freaked out. It seems you're more scared of your emotional side than I am"

The side of Sauli's mouth twitched up, almost to a smirk. Mostly because he wanted to point out that it was like that to everyone but he didn't want to be too difficult to deal with. And Adam is obviously right. 

"Yeah, well. I'm not very good with people"

"I don't care" Adam said, "You're good with me"

"I'm glad you feel that way" Sauli said, reaching out to cup Adam's cheeks, "Because to be honest, outside of work, you're the only one that really matters"

"And I feel very special for having a spot in the heart of a person who's as anti-social and mysterious as you" Adam smiled. Sauli grinned, rising on his toes to give Adam a kiss on the lips. 

Adam accepted happily. He swiflty pulled Sauli against him by the waist. 

"Oh" Sauli grinned against his lips and moved his arms around Adam's neck, "This is the secret side of you?"

"Not exactly. Just haven't been comfortable with this side of me lately"

Sauli flinched,

"Right. I'm sorry"

"It's okay" Adam whispered, "I'm getting there. You don't even know half of 'this side' of me" he added with a sultry wink. Sauli smirked, 

"Oh? Not even after last night, you say? Well, I'm eager to learn more of it" 

 

Needless to say they ended up having sex. 

Sauli was sure that if he stepped down from the bed afterwards, his knees wouldn't be able to carry him. 

"So... Was it good for you too?" Adam asked, curling himself closer to Sauli's side. 

This one time, Sauli was very glad for all the "positive" experiences Adam has had with his clients. He was fleeing in another dimension. 

"What did you just do to me" Sauli wondered out loud. Adam snickered, throwing his leg over Sauli's lips. 

"We missed the reservation" He pointed out then, more quiet, like he was actually either sorry or sad about it.

Sauli scoffed,

"A few dollars here and there... I got to bed you. And it was way more fun. Although very energy-consuming... Now I'm hungry" 

Adam smiled,

"I have bread. And cheese"

"That is perfectly enough" Sauli smiled. He pushed himself up and cursed himself for once again wearing a suit and not a comfortable T-shirt. He pulled on his own briefs, then snatched Adam's T-shirt and pulled it on. 

"Hey" Adam squeaked, "You can't steal my clothes"

"Please. Just for a while before I head back home" Sauli beamed, "It's comfortable and it smells like you"

"If you insist" Adam said, "But you are not going to stay over-night?"

"I'd really like to but-"

"Stay? Please" Adam pouted. Now how exactly do you say no to that face?

"Yeah, well... I guess I can go to work an hour later"

Even though Sauli 'stole' Adam's shirt, Adam still wasn't strutting around without a shirt when they got something simple to eat from Adam's kitchen. Adam had pulled out another shirt from his closet. 

After eating, they settled back on Adam's bed to cuddle and talk. 

"I remember when you told me that you don't need anyone to save you" Sauli said and Adam turned his head again to look at him,"I believed that,,, but I still felt like you were looking for some kind of acceptance from someone? And maybe even genuine affection? Love because you couldn't love yourself? You can tell me if I'm completely wrong"

Adam let out a humorless chuckle, shaking his head and ran his hand through the hair that kept falling on his forehead,

"No... You weren't wrong. I've always hated the concept of 'saving' and 'protecting' but,,, Somewhere deep inside I was wishing there was _someone_ who could accept and love the parts of me that I couldn't" 

Sauli knew the feeling all too well for very different reasons. But does it matter where the feeling comes from? What matters is that it's there and it's the same way Adam had felt. He understands him. 

"And does it make you feel any better now that you do?" Sauli asked. 

"To be honest, it feels all kinds of amazing to be lo-" Adam swallowed the rest of his sentence and a faint shade of red spread on his cheeks. He chuckled nervously and cleared his throat, "Uhm... Yeah. To be-"

" _Loved_ " Sauli said for him. 

" _Yes_ " Adam smiled sheepishly, "By you. Anyway... It feels amazing but it didn't magically just fix the way I see myself. Maybe it takes some more time" he said thoughtfully, a questioning expression on his face. 

Sauli shrugged. He wished he knew but he really didn't. 

"I can live with not being completely satisfied with the way I look in the mirror,,, Most of us do. But I don't how I can put up with the amount of self-loathe and self-pity I have inside of me" 

"And where does it come from?"

"Nobody wants an item that's been used by more than... Yeah. By very many people" Adam said, the amount of disgust on his face made Sauli's heart hurt. That was not how he saw things at all. 

"Can I tell you something?" Adam asked. 

"Of course"

"When I started doing my,,, other business, there were several cases when the customers touched me the way I didn't want them to or did other things I didn't want them to. The other escorts were telling me that at least I haven't been ' _really_ ' assaulted... I still felt so dirty and used afterwards. But I really needed the money so I carried on doing it. It wasn't the sex itself, I would have been doing it anyway even if I wasn't an escort, but it was the _way_ they did it" Adam explained and Sauli propped himself on the support of his elbow so he could see Adam better. 

"So I, who has been sexually abused and assaulted for years by now, can finally say that I have been _really_ sexually assaulted... Like previously it was all in my head. Like I was exaggerating it all. But after all, I always made the conscious decision to do this. So I guess I was kind of asking for all that to happen"

"Don't even say things like that" Sauli said right away, "No one can tell you what is considered harrassment and what is not"

He thought he couldn't possibly feel worse than how he felt when Adam told him he had been raped. But now, knowing that it wasn't even the first time someone had forced him to do something he didn't want to... Sauli doesn't even have words. 

"Yeah, well... It's still so hard to even look at myself sometimes. My parents used to have this vision. They saw me going to university... Maybe medicine or law. But what did I become? A low-paid barista who had to sell his ass to pay his rent" Adam said, again with that bitter chuckle. His eyes were visibly red but he contained himself as he added. 

"You still have time to become anything you've ever wanted" Sauli pointed out, reaching out to softly stroke Adam's cheek, "Right? A doctor? A lawyer? An actor? Anything at all"

"Even if I got an education, who would hire a person who has a history of fucked up mind?" 

"You'd be surprised" Sauli said with a small smile, "Things will always be alright. It just takes some time and strength"

"And what about when someone isn't as strong as they ought to be?" Adam asked, wiping his eyes before the tears would fall. 

"Everybody feels weak sometimes. But just because they feel that way doesn't mean they are that way. I know it's scary when your mind fills with darkness. But instead of curling up to hide from it, greet it as an old friend and remember that it left the last time" Sauli said softly, rubbing Adam's shoulder now, "And it will leave this time too. It will just take some time" 

"You promise?"

"I promise"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm soooo sorry for the (very) late update. My time is limited as I attend a university of applied sciences and let me tell you, human anatomy and physiology is hell of a work to learn.  
> Both in Finnish and Latin. And English.


	9. Now I can breathe again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Show must go on.

PART THREE 

Several months passed by.

Adam had to use all of his savings for the rent of his flat which left him stressing about the next rent pay. He didn't make enough in the coffeeshop and he wasn't thinking of going back to his "moonlight" job. At least that's what he told Sauli. 

Sauli felt like he needed to do something. Adam refused to let him help him financially so Sauli did what he was good at. He searched for a flat from the area Adam preferred and negoatiated the lowest rent possible. 

"You know... When you take this blind off and if I find myself from a bungee jump spot or some crazy shit like that,,, I'm going to kill you"

"No" Sauli chuckled, "Nothing as crazy as that. Step"

Adam clutched on his hand a little tighter when he stepped over the said step. Sauli guided him further inside the room and then let go of Adam's hand, and reached out to untie the blind covering his eyes. 

Adam blinked at the light which now felt oddly bright as it hit his eyes. 

"What'd you think?" Sauli asked, wrapping his arms aroud Adam's waist from behind him. Adam blinked several times more before he paid attention to where he actually was.

They stood in the mudroom of the flat Sauli had managed to find for Adam. Obviously Adam has contracts he has to sign if he wants it but in theory, everything is taken care of. 

"It's,,, It's nice. Why? Where are we even?" Adam asked curiously, stepping inside the main area and eyed around the room. 

"This could be your new flat if you wanted" Sauli informed, "Minus the furniture, of course. They belong to the current lessee"

"What?" Adam chuckled, wiggling out of Sauli's hold and went to examine the closest wall, "You mean walls with intact paint? Floor with no carpeting? _No cockroaches_? Open concept kitchen/living room?"

Sauli nodded. 

"I wish" Adam said with a little smirk. Sauli thought he looked like he was thinking that Sauli is fucking with him. 

"I'm good at negoating" Sauli pointed out, "And if you want it, it's rent is only 60% of what you pay from your current apartment. Obviously it's not in the heart of West Hollywood but still close enough" he explained, taking Adam's hand and pulling him along with him. 

Surprisingly, he opened a door to another room.

"And the best part is that it has a separate bedroom. Not a big one but it's better than nothing" Sauli explained as he stepped inside the room and pulled Adam in too, " _And_ it has a walk-in closet for all of your clothes and shoes" he said and pushed open the closet door.

Adam chuckled. Sauli knows Adam loves the walk-in closet. In his current place, most of his clothes don't even fit in his closets.

"Wow, the girl has more shoes than me" Adam said in awe as he looked inside the walk-in closet. Lots of different boots and heels, a couple of sneakers and some platforms. 

Sauli then crossed his fingers and dropped both of his hands down, almost like he was waiting for some kind of judgment. He had a confident look on his face. 

"It's not worse than your current place, I'm certain. And it's way cheaper too" He added casually, watching Adam walk around the room, touching the walls like he had never seen such white, clean walls.

Then he spun around on his heels to look at Sauli,

"Why are you doing all this for me?"

"Because I can?" Sauli suggested, slowly walking up to Adam and rested his hands on his hips, "It's yours if you want it"

Adam let out a chuckle, shaking his head,

"Sauli, I... "

"If there was something you were good at,,, And you could use that skill to help me somehow, wouldn't you do it too?" Sauli asked, stepping closer to Adam and laced his fingers on the small of his back.

"I would" Adam said right away with a smile, "Of course I would. So I can really have this?"

Sauli nodded,

"Yeah. I have all the necessary papers with me which I have read through carefully to make sure everything is the way it should be. If you sign, it's yours"

Adam pursed his lips and let out a long breath. He looked around himself once more before he walked out of the bedroom and took a good glance at the main area of the flat. 

Sauli followed him and pulled the few papers out of out his briefcase. 

"So...?" He asked, walking past Adam and to the kitchen where he could place the papers on the counter. Makes it easier to sign them.

"I've lived in my current apartment for so long" Adam said, following Sauli to the kitchen, "It feels strange to think about leaving..." 

"Think about it as a new start" Sauli smiled, pulling out a pen and put his hand out for Adam to take it. Normally he doesn't go around pushing pens to his customers' hands but Adam's an exception. 

Adam looked at him, lips pursed. 

"And if there ever comes a day when you and I want to move in together, we can get a whole new place. You can leave this flat anytime you want" Sauli added, not believing that he actually brought the subject up. He's not thinking about moving in together now, not even in the near future, but maybe someday. 

It feels odd to even think about it because things have never been so serious with anyone that he would even consider living together. He can't know will they reach that stage with Adam either but for the first time ever he feels like it's possible. 

"Do you see that happening some day?" Adam asked as he took the pen from Sauli with a challening smile, "Can you see yourself sharing your space with me 24/7? Considering you do need a lot of space for yourself" 

Sauli's smile was crooked as he said,

"That's true. But just because we'd share the same roof doesn't mean we have to cling to each other 24/7. After a long day at work some people crave for someone to be around at home but I have rather spent an hour or two alone. Yet I can't imagine anything better than having you around me. Odd, isn't it?"

Adam signed both of the papers; One contract to himself and one to the owner of the flat. 

"Mm, not that odd. Love has magnificent powers" He said and gave the papers to Sauli. 

"It truly does" Sauli murmured, putting the papers back into his briefcase. He will make sure the owner gets his own copy and Adam's copy he'll give back to him once they leave the flat and he can get it signed by the owner. 

"Congratulations on your new home" Sauli beamed, throwing his arms around Adam's neck, "You can move in here approximately in two weeks. Even sooner if the current lessee gets her stuff out before the due"

"Thank you, baby" Adam smiled, leaning down to peck Sauli on the lips, "For everything"

"Anything for you, love" Sauli murmured. Adam pulled him flush to his body by the small of his back and kissed him again. This time with more force. 

Sauli hummed in approval, dropping his hands on top of Adam's ass and gave it a gentle squeeze. This is one of the things they shouldn't be doing at a lessee's home but...

"What do you say about your new home?" Came a familiar female voice. Sauli jumped away from Adam and glanced towards the door, seeing no other than Jennifer standing there against the door frame, looking all smug that she came in just now. 

"Jen! I didn't hear you came in" Sauli said, flustered. 

"Yeah, well. You were being busy" Jennifer winked, walking inside the flat, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone" 

"Just a curious question... How did you get in? And what are you even doing here?" Adam asked, frowing regardless of the flush on his cheeks. 

"I own the damn place" Jennifer said with a smile, "I bought the apartment some years ago, didn't Sauli tell you? My current lessee is moving to Arizona and Sauli mentioned to me about your situation, so"

Adam gave a look at Sauli's direction. Sauli didn't know if he was mad at him for not telling it was Jennifer's property or was he just glad it was hers and not somebody else's. At least he knows the landlady. 

"And no, this ain't an alm" Jennifer pointed out, "We negoatiated about the rent for a long time. Your boyfriend here just happens to be very good at that"

"Oh, I've noticed" Adam said, reaching out to tweak Sauli's side. Sauli snickered, swatting his hand away. 

"I still didn't know you were coming" Sauli said to Jennifer who just shrugged,

"Thought I'd save you some effort and come to sign the papers right away" She said, gesturing at Sauli's briefcase and wiggled her fingers as in 'come on now I don't have the whole day'.

Sauli cocked his eyebrow and pulled the papers out along with a pen, handing them over to her. She signed both of the copies and handed the other one to Adam with a smile. 

"If you want to make any changes; Say paint the walls or get new tiles in the bathroom, it's all negotiable" Jennifer informed as she shook Adam's hand, "Just let me know and we can discuss"

Adam just nodded. 

"Great! You guys want lunch? My treat"

~*~

Sauli woke up early on Saturday. Adam slept like a baby on the other side of the bed with Pharaoh sprawled on his back next to him, and Sauli didn't want to wake them up.

They had gone to his Malibu beach house last night so Sauli had a perfect opportunity to hit the gym. He spent a good hour and a half in there.

When he came back to the bedroom to get his clothes, Adam was already on his feet. What Sauli didn't expect though was him stretching the backs of his legs in his underwear and tank top; Standing feet hips-wide and flexing his upper body forward and down so that he had his palms pressed against the floor. 

"Not that I'm complaining but what are you doing?"

Adam jumped up, uttering something along the lines of "Jesus". 

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" He said as he turned around, "I was just testing if I'm still as elastic and flexible as I used to be"

"And?"

"Not as easy as it used to be" Adam informed with a pout, settling on the floor on all fours now. Sauli cleared his throat before he brought his shaker on his his lips. 

He almost choked on the drink when Adam lowered himself on his stomach but kept his ass sticking out, exeggerating the curve of his back. He used to always do that. Sauli was crazy about the sultry curve although he knew it starts to hurt after a while. 

"C-can I ask you why is it so important to know if you're still as bendy as you used to be?" Sauli asked, trying not to sound too worried.

Adam spun around on his back and pulled his right leg straight, then brought it as close to his chest and shoulder as he could. Not a single hint of tightness in those hamstrings... 

"What, you're worried that I might go back to my old habits?" Adam asked. 

Sauli shrugged,

"Something like that"

Adam switched the leg he was stretching and didn't say anything. Sauli figured he needed to focus on calm breaths as he stretched. He seemed to have more difficulties with this side than the other.

When he was done, he let his leg down and sat up. 

"I'm not. As ridiculous as it sounds I'm- I'm scared" Adam confessed, slowly spreading his legs as far to his sides as possible, and stretched his inner thighs and groin, "I'm scared that what _he_ did could happen again..."

"It's not ridiculous" Sauli said immediately, "Something as traumatic as that is almost bound to leave a mark on you"

"I guess. But yeah, you don't need to worry about it" Adam said, lowering his upper body against the floor. Sauli forgot how to breathe as he watched Adam move so smoothly and effortlessly like he didn't feel a thing in his joints and muscles. 

"Besides" Adam said, sliding on his knees but kept his lower body down. That fucking arch again, Sauli thought...

"Hm?"

"I have a boyfriend who can enjoy my special skills too" Adam said with a wicked smirk. 

Sauli finished his protein drink and put the shaker on the nightstand. 

"To what extent?"

Adam shrugged, sitting up and crossed his legs. Sauli thought Adam looked so young like this. With his hair down and his face free from make up. And the way he was sitting on the floor with his legs crossed, looking up at Sauli with a smile on his face... 

Suddenly he looked so innocent. And just seconds ago he was stretching in a way that made Sauli all hot and bothered. 

He can't believe someone has ever had a heart to hurt him so brutally as Nicholas did. Sauli approached Adam and kneeled before him, shifting his legs apart.

"Any extent you want" Adam finally said when Sauli lowered him on the floor, pushing his legs apart and against his shoulders. 

"Now we both know that's not true" Sauli said.

"You wouldn't hurt me" 

"Not even if there was a gun pointed to my head" Sauli murmured, lips ghosting over Adam's jaw.

"So wouldn't that make 'anything you want' things that wouldn't hurt me?" Adam asked.

"You got a point" Sauli smiled, shifting Adam's legs on his shoulders, "So if I said... I wanted to-"

"I'd say yes" Adam whispered.

"You don't even know what I was gonna-"

"I have seen that look on your face before" Adam said, "But I feel like you've been afraid to bring it up because you don't know how I would react..."

Sauli sighed with a smile. He drppped the subject long time ago when Adam got raped. It took ages for Adam to be comfortable the other way around, at least that's how it felt like for Sauli, so let alone _this_ way around. 

"Baby-,"

"Unless you don't want to..." Adam said then, wiggling his legs down from Sauli's shoulders and gently pushed him aside as he got up, "Oh my God, I officially made a fool out of myself" he groaned, covering his face with his hands. 

Sauli blinked in confusion. He's verbally not very talented when it comes consoling people but he still often understands what's the matter. However, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't see what was the matter now. 

"Okay, uhm... What?" 

"Throwing myself at you like a cat in heat" Adam mumbled. 

Sauli was even more confused. 

"I'm not complaining. I find it very hot" 

"Then why don't you act like it?" Adam asked, dropping his hands down on his lap. 

"I'm sorry but I really don't understand what you mean" Sauli whispered, "Care to fill me in?"

Adam sighed, fiddling with his fingers. 

"I struggled with my sexuality for months after what happened. As you might remember" He said with a humorless chuckle, watching as Sauli nodded, "I didn't believe it was even possible for me to ever enjoy sex anymore... But it was. And I finally feel comfortable with expressing my needs and wants... Yeah. I guess I have no valid 'point' it's just,,, It's always embarrassing to be rejected"

Sauli's eyebrows shot up automatically at the word 'rejected'. When exactly did he do that?

"I didn't reject you?" Sauli pointed out with an amused smile but it was still more of a question than statement. 

The sad thing is that maybe Adam sees a gentle approach of the subject as some kind of rejection sign. Just because Sauli didn't jump on him the second he walked in doesn't mean he didn't want to. 

"I used to do that stretch trick a lot with customers I liked" Adam said, scratching the back of his head, "They usually had a little more eager response" 

"I genuinely didn't know it was some kind of a 'hint'" Sauli confessed, now feeling embarrassed himself. 

"You really are terrible at reading me" Adam chuckled, "I thought I couldn't be more obvious"

"Yeah, well. I've told you before that I'm uncertain about everything I do when it comes to you" Sauli said with a sigh. 

"But why?" Adam asked, whiny almost. 

"Because I don't wanna screw it up" Sauli said right away, feeling more than just a little defensive of his behavior which is why he raised his voice without even realizing. 

"You're going to screw it up by being too careful" Adam said firmly, "I want a real person as my boyfriend" he added. His words made Sauli's head snap up and he shot a concerned look at Adam.

Meaning what? 

But Adam just smiled,

"A person who makes mistakes and sometimes screws things up so he can apologize later with a box of chocolate" He said and Sauli felt a massive relief going through his body and he dared to let out a relieved, sheepish chuckle. 

Adam shifted closer to him,

"Not someone who tries to please me all the time by trying too much to be something he's not... It makes me wonder if you're ever going to let me in? Say the things you feel like saying and do the things you feel like doing"

The look on Adam's face was unncessarily worried. Something in Sauli's head clicked then and it caused a strange, sickening sensation go through his body. Fear, most likely. Nobody wants to be with a person they don't even know. 

And he'd hate himself forever if Adam walked away now just because Sauli is bad at letting people in. Not just bad but _terrible_ , actually. 

"You're already more in than anyone ever" Sauli said.

"But I don't really feel like it" Adam admitted, "And I'm not saying you have to tell me every little secret you've ever had but I just wish you wouldn't try to hide what's underneath"

"I'm not trying to hide anything, I'm just not good at bringing it up" Sauli defended, raising his voice again and got up from the bed, "You want me to just randomly come to you and say 'oh hey I feel very anxious today and I don't know what to do with myself, please help me'?" he asked, turning around to look at Adam who looked surprisingly calm considering Sauli was practically yelling at him. 

This isn't the person Adam got to know. 

"Uh, yes? Why not? Don't you remember the night about a month ago when I came to your place at 10 p.m. crying my eyes out because I felt all kinds of horrible?" Adam asked. 

Sauli nodded,

"Of course"

"And what did you do?" 

"Took you in and told you to let it all out" Sauli said quietly, "And after that we went to bed. In the morning we went to your place at like 7 because Pharaoh had to get out"

"Yeah. And if the roles would have been reversed, what'd you think I would have done?" Adam asked, "Shut the door and gone back to sleep?"

"Okay, maybe not" 

"Yeah, maybe not" Adam said, smiling as he jokingly imitated and mocked Sauli's words. Sauli chuckled, scratching the back of his head. Now that he thinks of it, it does really sound ridiculous and embarrassing. 

It will take time to learn how to talk about painful and "embarrassing" things but he can promise to them both that he'll try more.

"Say and do the things I feel like doing, huh?"

Adam nodded. 

"Okay" Sauli whispered with a smirk, getting back on the bed and crawled to Adam, 'pressuring' him to lay down which he willingly did, "Right now I feel like putting your flexibility to a good use" 

Adam grinned, bringing his fingers to Sauli's hair. 

"And I thought you'd never say that" He said. Sauli brought their lips together but it was only to a brief kiss because there was something else he also wanted to try to do. He slid his mouth along Adam's jawline and slowly down to his neck. 

Adam made a soft sound and tightened his hold on Sauli's curls. He didn't, however, try to tug him away or block the access, actually quite the opposite; He bent his head back. Sauli hasn't seen him do that in ages, not after the rape. 

Maybe because Sauli hasn't even tried. Not since he accidentally touched Adam's neck and it gave him painful flashbacks. 

Sauli flicked his tongue around the skin, gingerly sucked it and even gently nibbled, listening to all of the sounds Adam made. Sauli inhaled deep, breathing in the comforting scent of Adam. He smelled like sleep, cologne and body lotion. 

"I love you" Sauli murmured against the skin. 

"I know" Adam whispered, "I love you... And I wanna do this with you. Please" he pleaded, curling his hand on the back of Sauli's neck, "Please..."

"Of course" Sauli whispered, raising his head and pecked Adam on the lips, "I've been waiting" he winked. 

Sauli flipped them around and pushed Adam to a sitting position on his lap. He pushed the hem of his shirt up and Adam got the hint; He raised his arms and let Sauli remove the shirt. 

Sauli hummed nearly subconsciously, running his hands on Adam's chest and stomach. 

"I can't believe you" Adam grinned. 

"What?" Sauli asked, chuckling in confusion, circling Adam's belly button with his thumb.

"That look on your face... Like I'm a piece of art" 

"Oh honey, you are" Sauli said right away, "You're so gorgeous it hurts" he murmured with a playful pout. 

"People use to say that to me a lot. But they had this predatory look in their eyes" Adam said and wrinkled his nose, "They only said it to make me do something special for them. But the way you say it... I can see the look in your eyes is so different than theirs"

Sauli smiled, his eyes all but sparkling as he gazed into Adam's blue eyes. 

"And it's not just because you love me... It's always been that way" Adam said. 

"I've been very fond of you the second I met you" Sauli whispered, "For so many reasons"

After a long look they shared, Sauli shifted Adam back on the bed and settled on top of him, burying his face to his neck.

~*~ 

Sauli was glad they're in his Malibu house and not in his city apartment where he has neighbors behind the wall. Not that he would really even care if they could hear their sex. He couldn't care less about anything else when he's buried balls-deep inside of Adam.

Just fingering him was exceptionally amazing but Sauli didn't even dare to imagine what it would be like to actually fuck him. He could mold Adam almost into any position and his legs would probably go behind his own neck if he tried. 

After having fun with all that, Sauli had flipped him on his stomach. 

"Oh shit...!" Adam whimpered, burying his face to the pillow. 

He was on his stomach as Sauli was mercilessly ramming into him. Sauli was transfixed by the sight of his length disappearing between Adam's plush cheeks. They jiggled perfectly every time Sauli's hips hit them.

And that damn curve of his back... 

Sauli wanted to tell Adam that he didn't have to exeggerate it so much but he didn't seem to be umcomfortable. And Sauli _really_ wanted to believe that Adam would tell him if anything they do makes him feel bad in any way. 

"Can you turn around?" Sauli asked and let his cock slip out of Adam. He wanted to be able to see Adam and kiss him when he comes. 

Adam turned on his back and tossed the pillow which was placed under his hips, aside. Sauli bit his lip at the sight of his hard cock and his flushed, sweaty skin. Adam brought his legs to his chest and Sauli guided his cock back in. 

He leaned down and shifted Adam's legs on his shoulders, then captured Adam's mouth to a kiss. 

No matter how much he loved screwing him from behind, kissing gives it all a whole another level of bond and affection. The position also gave him the illusion of being able to slide in deeper. 

Adam moved his legs around his waist and clung onto him, not letting him move one inch. 

"Baby-"

"No just stay still" Adam rushed out and wrapped his arms around Sauli's shoulders. His voice sounded a little edgy. 

Sauli groaned. 

Adam's body twitched and his breathing changed, his hold slowly loosening. 

"Woah. Did you-"

Adam just hummed in bliss. 

Wow. Sauli didn't even touch his cock, he came purely from the prostate stimulation. Sauli assumed he was allowed to move again so he started thrusting, slow and deep. After only a few thrusts, he came. 

He bit Adam's neck to mute his groan. 

Adam dropped his legs and arms down and let Sauli pull out. Sauli _really_ didn't want to but he knew he had to. He tossed the condom in the trash can and pulled out a few tissues from the box on his nightstand. 

He wiped his own body, then Adam's. Then he slumped down next to Adam, breathless and out of words. 

"Thank you" Adam whispered. 

"For what?"

"For being you"

~*~ 

After a shower together, Sauli had to get on with his paper work but he didn't find any energy nor motivation to do so. It was almost like he felt there was more to life than that. And he hasn't felt that way too many times.

"Do you keep in touch with your parents?" Sauli asked, watching Adam do abs exercises while he was holding onto his ankles, "You mentioned they hoped you'd become a lawyer or a doctor"

"Oh yeah! I see mom almost weekly and dad comes around a few times a month" Adam said and slumped on his back on the mat, "When I dropped out of college, my dad stopped paying money to me. Said he won't pay me for doing nothing. It still doesn't mean we're in bad terms or anything. I still hope I can make them proud at least some day in the future" he told him and sat up, "What about you? Your parents must be so proud of you for achieving all this"

"My parents stopped being proud when I came out of the closet" Sauli said casually, just shrugging it off. 

"Oh. I'm sorry" Adam said quietly, "I didn't know-"

"Of course you didn't, I never told you" Sauli said with a quiet chuckle, "Now I did though. I see them every christmas but it's not the same... You can see it from their face, especially my dad's,,, the digust"

He imagines he sees that every time he visits them. 

"God, I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am for having such cool parents" Adam said, turning on his stomach. Sauli still held onto his ankles as he begun to do back extensions. 

"I'm close with my sisters though" Sauli added, "I have a twin sister. Have I mentioned that?"

"Nope. Do you have that 'twins bond' people often talk about?" Adam asked between his puffs. 

"We used to. I mean I guess we still have it but not to the same extent" Sauli said, a little dimly. 

"Why not?" Adam asked, slumping down on the mat again. Sauli reached out to pinch his butt cheek. 

"Don't try to change the subject!" Adam chuckled, reaching back to swat his hand away. 

"I don't really know. I guess we just grew apart when I moved here" Sauli frowned, "People tend to grow apart from me" 

"No one stops you from calling her" Adam pointed out, "You gotta be the one that does the first move at least sometimes. Otherwise you might give the feeling that you don't really care" 

Adam turned around again and sat up, bringing his face close to Sauli's,

"You always came to me. I locked myself to my flat but you still kept coming almost every night. If you would have waited for me to come you in the state of mind that I was,,, God knows if you and I would even be here now" Adam said, his tone soft and quiet, "But it has to start somewhere. Right?"

Sauli gazed into Adam's eyes and nodded slightly,

"I guess. I'll try"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys gotta have to bear with me with the slower updates, I attend the Uni of applied sciences and my field is not the easiest shit fml. This update was relatively quick though.


	10. Paint my soul to be with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Case closed.   
> But love is just starting to blossom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oki, so the end of the run for now. This was fun in a way,,, to make Sauli so different from what I'm used to.

"Everybody is staring" 

"Let them. They're probably too shocked to move" Sauli said and gathered his papers from his desk, " 'The weird, anti-social creep has company'" 

They were in Sauli's office, just to grab some papers. The offices have large glass "windows" so people who haven't shut the blinds could easily stare at them from their own offices. 

"Who's the latino guy at the back?" Adam asked. 

"That'd be Vincent" Sauli informed, searching for a certain document from his drawer. 

"He gay?"

"So I heard"

"He got balls to stare at me so openly while I'm with you. Not subtle at all" Adam pointed out. Sauli's head immediately snapped up and he glanced through the window at Vincent who indeed was not hiding his staring at all. 

"I don't think he knows you and I are together" Sauli said, "Nobody believes I could have a date like you"

Sauli ingored the scoff Adam made and finally found the file he was looking for. He put it in his briefcase and walked around the desk, pulling Adam's head down for a kiss. Adam groaned in surprise and didn't even have time to recover when Sauli already pulled away.

"I'm not a fan of PDA but nobody looks at _my_ man like that" Sauli informed. 

"Ooh" Adam smirked, "You're hot when you're jealous"

"I'm not jealous" Sauli said right away. Although he was. He just didn't want to admit it. He glanced towards Vincent again and saw that he was no longer staring, instead he was looking down at his laptop with a red face. 

Adam followed Sauli through the hallway, waving at Jennifer when they passed her office, and then went to the elevators and down to the parking hall. In Sauli's car, Adam spoke;

"Is it weird that I still get creeps when someone stares at me for too long?"

"I think we all get creeps when that happens" Sauli said as he inserted the key to its slot. 

"Yeah, I guess but,,, _You know..._ " Adam murmured when he put his seatbelt on. Sauli glanced over at his gloomy face and realized Adam probably meant it a little differently. 

"Ohh" He said, reaching out to touch Adam's hand after starting the engine, "No, it's not weird. Like I said, I think we all do it so let alone someone who's been through something like you"

He needed both of his hands to back off from the parking lot so he let go of Adam's hand despite of Adam's weak protest. 

"I guess..." Adam said quietly, "Sometimes I wonder what I would do if Nicholas himself walked past me in the streets... Or came to the cafe. It's unsettling to know he's still out there..."

Sauli has tried to get Adam to talk to the police. But Adam says he has no evidence against him anyway and the police wouldn't take him seriously because he's a man. So he rather dropped the subject than pressured Adam to talk to them. 

"And it sucks so hard he can't get caught" Adam said with a sigh, dropping his head against the backrest. 

"You could try to talk to the police... Maybe there is something they can do" 

"Like what?"

"I don't know, I'm not a cop" Sauli defended himself and glanced over at Adam, "But it's worth a try. I can come with you"

Adam sighed, running his hands down his face. After a while he nodded,

"Okay. Sure. Let's try"

"You sure?" Sauli asked, dropping his other hand from the steering wheel and reached out to touch Adam's thigh, "Wanna go there now?" 

"Sure... Let's just get it over with" 

Sauli smiled, rubbing Adam's thigh a little,

"Okay"

Sauli drove through the city to the police department. Once inside the building, Adam nearly turned around but Sauli encouraged him to go on. They met an officer at the desk in the front office.

"I want to report a rape" Adam blurted out straight away. 

The man looked up at Adam with round eyes. He didn't say anything at first, like he was just trying to process what he was being told. 

"Of course. You may speak to our professional Sexual Offence officer in private in an interrogate room. Can I have your name?"

"Lambert, Adam"

"Thank you. You may sit. Someone will get you shortly"

"Thanks" Adam said and they sat down on the bench nearby. 

"It'll be fine. Just be honest and tell them everything" Sauli whispered and reached to grab Adam's hand. Adam sighed, nodding and clutching Sauli's hand. 

The few minutes felt almost too long and Adam looked quite relieved when the officer finally arrived. She was a dark-skinned woman maybe on her thirties. 

"Lambert?" She asked. 

"Yes" Adam said as he stood up. 

"Officer Neela Simmons, I take care of the cases considering any forms of sexual offences" She said and shook Adam's hand. Then she looked at Sauli, questioningly reaching out her hand to him too. 

"Oh! I'm Sauli. Boyfriend" He said and shook the woman's hand. 

"Wonderful to meet you. Please follow me" 

They followed Neela through the long hallways and downstairs where several interrogate rooms were. She opened the door to the room B and let Adam enter, then blocked the way from Sauli. 

"I need to ask you to wait outside" She informed with a small smile. 

"Yeah,,, of course" 

Sauli knew the interrogations are private but it still made his heart feel cold when Neela shut the door. He sighed, knowing he can't do anything else but wait. He sat down on one of the chairs and just waited. 

And waited some more. 

Until nearly 30 minutes had passed. Then Neela opened the door and let Adam come out. Sauli bolted up from the chair, feeling his heart skip a beat when he saw Adam clutching a kleenex. 

"You okay?" He asked, whispering. 

Adam nodded weakly, loosely wrapping his arms around Sauli. Sauli breathed in deep, gently stroking his hand up and down Adam's back. 

"It's okay. The first step is done" 

Neela let them held onto each other for a while before she spoke,

"I'm gonna have to interrogate you too. Not because I'm accusing you but to cover Adam's side of the story" She informed and Sauli was a little puzzled, not prepared that he should talk to the officer too. 

"Okay..." He said with a little frown, pulling away from Adam. 

"Adam, you can wait here" She said to Adam with a smile. Sauli entered the room and felt his pulse speed up at the sight he has only seen in movies;

Chairs, a table, voice recorder and a bright lamp. 

Neela shut the door after another officer had walked in. Now Sauli was really beginning to get worried. Are they really accusing him?

"Have a sit" She said. Sauli did and watched her walk around the table to her own chair. She explained that she'll be recording their conversations and there is also a video camera in the corner of the room. 

"Adam told me he came to your place the same night he was sexually assaulted. What was your relationship like with Adam back then?"

Sauli gulped. He and Adam didn't discuss whether they should tell the police about the prostitution or not. But the last thing Sauli wants to do is lie to a police. And figuratively, Sauli didn't pay him so can you really call it prostitution?

"Uhm... Adam and I were,,, friends. ... With benefits, you could say"

"Did you have a sexual affair with Adam?" 

Did he? He did. But it was much more than just that. 

"Uhhh. I guess so? Yeah. Yeah, we did" 

"Did you ever performed any sexual act on him without his consent?" 

_What_? Sauli wanted to storm up and yell at the woman for having balls to even ask something like that from him. But he knew it wouldn't help anything. He still had to take several long breaths before speaking,

"What? No. Of course not! Never. I could never ever do something like that"

"So he was consent that night when he met up with you?" Neela asked, her eyes digging holes to Sauli's head. He can't believe he has to go through this but he tries to remind himself that it needs to be done. 

Sauli couldn't help but wonder if the woman was this blunt and strict with Adam. Then again, Adam was the reporter and the victim and Sauli is being actually interrogated to close out the possibility of him ever doing harm to Adam. And it feels disgusting that the police even has to do this with him. 

"Yes. I mean no. I... We were,,, kissing. I noticed something was off and I asked if he was alright. He said he was just tired. But when I tried to-" Sauli's words faded and he shifted uncomfortably. 

"Go on" Neela pressured. 

"I was going for his belt but he stopped me. And I did stop, immediately. He told me he's not up to it and I accepted that like any normal human being does. He was beginning to tear up and I didn't know why... He soon became nauseous and rushed to the bathroom to throw up. When he came back I noticed bruising on his neck. They looked suspiciously like... Fingerprints"

"Did you saw them there before he went to the bathroom?"

"What are you implying?"

"Just answer the question"

"No" Sauli said, "Because I didn't pay attention. He told me he had seen one of his-"

Oh, no. 

" _Customers_. And that he had gotten mad at Adam and forced himself on him regardless of Adam telling no" Sauli said, trying to read Neela's expression but couldn't. Her mouth was as tight as a quitar string. 

"Did Adam tell you who had raped him?"

Sauli shook his head,

"No. Not back then, at least. He said it wouldn't matter" 

"He told you later?"

"I was... I was supposed to do a project with the guy, Nicholas is his name. We had a meeting in a cafe Adam works in... I noticed Adam act weird around him. He was timid and clumsy. I also noticed Nicholas eye him and not in a subtle way... I concluded it was him"

"You 'concluded?' Neela asked, her eyes a little wide. 

"Yes, I admit I jumped to hurried conclusions. Nicholas said he doesn't know what I'm talking about but then he said... He said no one would believe Adam and that Adam makes such sweet sounds. And then he stormed out"

It's all bit of a blur in Sauli's head. He was so blindly mad at that moment that he was ready to kill the guy. 

"Was Adam there at that moment?"

"No... He had went in the backrooms. I found him from the bathroom"

"Thank you, Sauli" Neela said then, turning the recorder off. She gestured something to the other officer and soon there was a proper light in the room and Adam was allowed to enter, and the other officer left the room. 

"I'm sorry, I told her they don't have to do this with you" Adam said immediately and came over to Sauli for a panicked hug. 

"Hey, it's okay. I understand that it needed to be done" Sauli said, slowly pulling away from Adam. Adam sat on the chair next to him.

"Don't worry, I have no reason to accuse you of anything. Your story was almost identical with Adams with only little differences in the point of views" Neela said, her tone more relaxed and not so professional like, "I'm glad you were both honest about the prostitution. Escort or not, if the sexual act is performed without your consent, it's a rape"

"So what happens now?" Sauli asked. 

"We're trying to track down Nicholas, I think we are able to find his number. If he doesn't admit to it, which I doubt he would, we're doing our best to start looking for any kind of evidence"

Adam nodded, looking somewhat relieved. 

"You both may go now. I'll keep you on track with the investigation" Neela said gently with a smile, "The officer outside will lead you out"

~*~ 

It took a week until Adam could start taking his stuff into his new flat. He had a bunch of friends to help him and Sauli felt a desperate need to cling onto him all the time. He didn't though. But he really wanted to.

After they got Adam's stuff to the flat, it was already 8 p.m. and Sauli decided to stay over-night. The group had ordered a pizza earlier and there were a few slices left for them to eat. 

"After the amount of pizza I have consumed,,, I need to work extra hard in the gym tomorrow" Sauli said as he devoured the last slice of the pizza. 

Adam scoffed,

"I'm gonna have to work extra hard for the whole year because of the pizza _I_ consumed" He said and made a face of disgust as he looked at the empty pizza delivery box on the table. 

Sauli wanted to say Adam looks perfect the way he is. But there is always the chance of getting the 'Oh but you agree?' for an answer so he didn't say a thing. He couldn't be any more genuine when he says Adam is beautiful in every way but getting Adam believe in it is a whole another thing. 

"Well, I think you look amazing" Sauli said anyway. 

"Thank you. But I still have a lot to work on" Adam said, "Like my waist"

"Your core is iron" Sauli pointed out. 

"It's all the pilates" Adam beamed, "But it doesn't really show from the outside" he sighed, getting up from the couch and took the empty pizza box in the cabinet under the sink. Sauli looked at him as he had a glass of water. 

"I'll tell you what definitely shows from the outside" Sauli murmured as he eyed Adam's figure, "Your ass"

Adam almost chuckled with his mouth still full of water. 

"It's all the pilates too" He said when he had swallowed, "I'm glad at least that is noticable"

Sauli has been avoiding having too deep body talk with Adam. Sure he has mentioned he looks good and perfect and everything between every now and then but having any longer conversations hasn't been in his mind. 

It's not that he doesn't want to. It's just that he has often found them useless. If someone hates oneself, you can tell them they're beautiful every single day and they will still doubt it every time. It might have a good effect in a long run but Sauli was never patient enough to see so far. Just a simple 'Thank you' which Adam just said is already a good sign comparing to 'No, I do not'. 

Sometimes things can be so bad one ends up always bringing it up by dramatically declaring how bad they look and expecting someome to reassure them and say they look great. Almost as if their life depends on the compliments they can't give themselves and they are _craving_ someone to give them. 

Sauli has never been the one to reassure anyone, he never felt the need to do that with anyone. 

"How long have you done pilates?" 

"A few years" Adam said and came back to the couch, "I heard it strengthens the pelvic floor and I thought it might be useful" he winked. 

"That's the only reason you do it?" Sauli snickered, taking off his glasses and wiped the lenses with the hem of his shirt. 

"It gurantees better sex" Adam said like it should have been obvious, "No, of course it's not the only reason. But it's a great plus. Mostly I just wanted to get in better shape and improve my strength and flexibility and such" he said then. 

Sauli nodded. 

"You proud of the results?" he asked, putting his glasses back on. 

"Meh" Adam shrugged, "It's okay, I guess. Why you ask?"

"Just curious" Sauli said, "I still remember when you and I first met. You thought I had called because of sex and-"

"That's what people usually want when they call to the manager" Adam pointed out with a chuckle. 

"I know. Just hear me out" Sauli smiled, "I told you that I can't sleep with you. And the look on your face,,, Like you thought it was personal"

The smile on Adam's face slowly left and he looked down, messing with the fabric of the couch just to get an excuse to look away. 

"Yeah, well... Wouldn't have been the first time" He said quietly. 

"What'd you mean?" Sauli asked, surprised by the answet because he most definitely didn't expect that, and now he had to rearrange everything he was about to tell Adam, "You told me you were popular stuff"

"I lied" Adam said with a humorless smile, "I didn't want you to know that calling with such short notice will give you one with less customers"

"You're kidding, right" 

"I wish I was" Adam said and looked up at him, "I didn't fit into any of the most preferred boxes. I wasn't a small, elf-like twink or a big stud with giant muscles and abs so taut you could bounce a basket ball on them neither was I the bear type. I was somewhere between... "

Sauli was quiet for a while, genuinely lost for words. He understood that Adam wasn't everyone's type, there is not a single person on this planet that could please everyone, but he never expected him to be one of the escorts with "less customers".

"Well, it's their loss" Sauli said after a while, "And my win"

"I mean sure I had my regulars. Said I carry a better ass and a bigger dick and I give better blowjobs" Adam said, completely ignoring what Sauli had just said to him, "And after I mastered the flexiblity, I got some more takers"

Sauli felt oddly jealous listening to the talk. He couldn't figure out a reason why but something in him just didn't like the idea of Adam being funky with anyone else but him. Obviously it's only natural to feel jealous of your partner but Sauli feels jealous of something that happened ages ago. 

Maybe it's normal too, he doesn't really know. He hasn't had a lot of experience with that...

"You seem surprised" Adam said then.

_Obviously. I mean,,, I'm just thinking what kind of person in their right mind wouldn't find you insanely attractive?_ , Sauli thought in his head but didn't want to go there. He knows everyone has their preferences. 

But telling Adam he isn't surprised would be the same as calling him unattractive to most people. Which for sure isn't sure. 

Talking to people about their bodies is complex, Sauli thought. You have to be so careful with everything you say yet Sauli wants to remain real. 

Sauli smiled slightly and sat up straighter, straddling Adam's lap. Adam seemed surprised, 

"Oh" 

"I'm not surprised that people have different tastes. I'm sure you have the kind of type you prefer over others as well?" Sauli asked.

Adam nodded, looking a little guilty, almost like admitting to it was a bad thing. Something you shouldn't say out loud. 

"And you, as well as others, are allowed to have them. As long as one doesn't make the people who don't fit into that 'preferred box' feel bad about themselves just because _he_ doesn't find them attractive" Sauli said and stroked Adam's chin with his thumb, "Some prefer elf-like twinks and some prefer muscly studs. My weaknesses have always gone a little deeper than that"

"Like what?" Adam asked, curling his hands around Sauli's ass.

Sauli bit his lip. He's not good at this kind of stuff. It's almost physically impossible for him to get to sentimental and list all the beautiful things in Adam's body _out loud_. Also, he really didn't want to insult Adam which he knows he'd do if he told him how much he loves that he's a bit 'squishy' and more cuddly as in 'softer'. 

How could he say that what Adam likely hates the most in his own body is one of the things Sauli loves the most. 

"Beautiful eyes. Unique features,,, like you have your freckles" Sauli said softly and brushed his thumb over Adam's lips, "I felt drawn by you the second I saw you. You're so real, you're beautiful and I am crazy about _you_ and God, this is harder than I thought it would be" 

Adam chuckled quietly, pulling Sauli tighter on his lap by his ass. Sauli wiggled in small movements to settle even more snugly. 

"Funny enough, I believe you. And I hope that the gaze in your eyes for me never fades away" 

"Never" Sauli said quietly, leaning down to press a kiss on Adam's lips. 

"Aren't you insecure about anything?" Adam asked when Sauli pulled away. 

"Of course I am. Plenty of things" Sauli admitted although he already felt uncomfortable. 

When Sauli was quiet for a long few seconds, Adam asked;

"Aren't you gonna tell me?"

Sauli sighed,

"Well... I have bad social skills, I would like to have more muscle mass, my hairline is not nearly as perfect as yours, I have short legs and yeah. I could be an inch or two taller" 

"I think you're pe-"

"Mm" Sauli mumbled, pressing a finger on Adam's lips before he could finish because Sauli really hates the word 'perfect', "I am also terrible at sentimental talk"

Adam sighed, smiling, but it didn't quite reach his ears, and pulled Sauli's finger off his lips, 

"So I can't call you perfect?"

Sauli wrinkled his nose,

"You can. But you don't have to"

"Do you say it for me just because you have to?" Adam asked. 

"No. I say it because I mean it"

Adam cocked his eyebrow meaningfully and Sauli pursed his lips in defeat. Damn, he really hates it when people make him talk himself to a corner. 

"Accept what I say about you because I'm not lying. I haven't even noticed your hairline because I am so in love with those damn curls. And from what I can tell, you haven't had bad social skills with me either" 

What Adam doesn't know though is that Sauli needed to talk to a shrink about Adam's rape. He wouldn't have been able to come up with the right kind of approach on his own. 

Sauli didn't want to tell that to Adam now. Not yet. 

"Okay. I believe you" Sauli said. 

"Good" Adam smirked, "Wanna sex me up?"

"I like how you just go straight into it" Sauli said with a playfully serious tone, "No subtle hints or anything"

"Take it or leave it" Adam beamed. 

There was really no question about it.

~*~ 

Next time in Malibu, Sauli was painting one of his modern style paintings and Adam was playing around with the paints like a little kid. He tested different mixes and what colors they make.

One of the rooms in Sauli's beach house is just for painting. Meaning the floor is often covered in papers and fabrics that can get paint stains. Sauli was happy about the coverage when he noticed the amount of stains Adam had managed to make. 

He should have probably told him that the paints he has now are more dribbly and watery than the others. One thing he's also very happy about is that Adam took his top off so he wouldn't make any stains on it. 

"Oh no, you can't come in here" Adam said to Pharaoh when he came sniffing around. 

"I don't think he can make any more mess than what you have already made" Sauli murmured as he was sliding his brush on the canvas. 

"Hey! You didn't tell me the paints have different textures" Adam pointed out. 

"I know. I'm sorry" Sauli grinned. 

"Shoo. You don't want a blue nose" Adam said to the dog again and gestured him to go away. When Pharaoh didn't believe him, Adam got on his knees and knocked over a silver paint in the progress. 

"Oh shit!" He said, covering his mouth with both of his hands when he noticed he messed the large, empty fabric canvas which lay on the floor nearby, "Are those expensive?"

Sauli chuckled,

"Honey, I'm a multi-millionaire. So no. But-" He drailed off when he glanced at the canvas and Adam, suddenly getting a racy yet unique idea. 

"But what?" Adam asked, slowly dropping his hands. 

"Take off your clothes"

"What?" Adam chuckled.

Sauli let his brushes down and scooted down on the floor too, 

"You remember that empty frame above my bed?"

Adam nodded. 

"I know what I want there"

"What?" Adam asked. 

"Us. In color. Having sex"

Adam blinked,

"What?" 

"That's a broken record" 

"And who would be the Picasso?" Adam asked and wrinkled his nose.

"Us. Together" 

"I'm not much of a paint-"

"No, no. I mean we would use my non-toxic paints and smear it on our bodies and then have sex"

Adam was looking at him with an un-readable expression. Sauli didn't feel self-conscious though, not about this side of him. 

"Do you have silver? And black?"

Sauli nodded,

"Every color you could imagine"

Adam pursed his lips,

"You're a weird man" He said, "But okay!" He added, beaming almost.

Sauli grinned, pecking Adam on the lips,

"Do me a favor and get some flip-flops from my storage room while I get the paints and put the fabric ready" 

Adam nodded. He left the room and Sauli moved his other works aside, draped the floor with more fabrics to protect the tiles. He got the paints from the shelf and placed them nearby. He'll let Adam choose his own colors. 

"Why do we need these flip-flops?" Adam asked when he came back. 

"There is a chance we'll mess up our feet and we need to get to the shower after we're done"

"Oooh" 

"We should get warmed up before going for the canvas though" Sauli said. 

"It's like we're preparing for sports" Adam said and wrinkled his nose. Adam wasn't a big fan of sports. Sure he jogs and does pilates and gym occasionally but most of the time it's not his cup of tea. 

"Aren't we?" Sauli chuckled. It can pass for an intense cardio session sometimes...

"Mm, the only kind of sport I really like" Adam murmured and pulled Sauli closer by the hips.

"Mm-hm. Which colors do you want?" Sauli asked. 

"Black. And the golden one" 

Sauli just nodded. They're the perfect colors to his bedroom. And maybe they can make one to his city condo as well and do it with completely different colors. 

Adam pushed Sauli to the arm chair and pulled his arms up so he could remove his shirt. Sauli wiggled out of his sweats himself and Adam did too. Sauli then pushed Adam on the chair and straddled his lap, capturing his lips. 

The kiss started out slow and sweet, they weren't in a hurry, but when it started to get more heated and they were both gasping for air, Sauli pulled away. 

"Come on" He said, stepping down. He took the black and gold paint and dribbled them on the fabric canvas, then put the tubes aside for a moment and sat down. 

"Oh, so this is how it's done. I thought we'd smear it our bodies first" Adam said and sat down as well.

"Oh, we will" Sauli murmured, "Lay down? On your back"

"On the canvas?"

Sauli nodded. 

Adam obeyed and lay down on his back. Sauli sat between his bent knees and dribbled some black paint on his body. Adam's stomach jumped when a few droplets landed on a ticklish spot. 

Sauli smiled in awe, brushing his finger over the paint and made a little pattern on Adam's tummy. Then another one around his belly button. 

"You don't have to be shy... I know you want to mess the fuck out of me with those paints" Adam said, watching the small movements of Sauli's finger around his belly button. 

Sauli bit his lip and reached for the golden paint as well, dribbling it along Adam's thighs and abdomen. Then he put the tubes away and encouraged by Adam, he grabbed his knees, running his palms down his thighs and watched the paint cover his skin. 

He went past his groin and ran his hands up Adam's belly, transfixed by how the gold mixed with the black. 

"Can I have too?" Adam asked, reaching out both of his palms. 

"Of course" Sauli smiled, getting the paints again, "Both?"

Adam nodded,

"Both in both hands" 

Sauli chuckled, doing as he was told. Once Adam had paint in his hands, Sauli pushed the tubes away completely and lay on top of Adam, making a squeaky sound when he felt Adam's paint covered hands land on his back. 

He cupped Adam's face and kissed him, devouring the inside of his mouth like he was hungry for it. Adam moaned softly in the kiss, reaching down to cup Sauli's ass. 

This piece of art might be the best he has ever done. And it was being made with the person he loves the most. 

"If I knew this kind of thing can get you so hot... We would have done this ages ago" Adam spoke between the kisses and flipped them around. He looked down at their joined bodies and how the paint from his belly was smearing on Sauli's skin. 

"I know right. We can do more of this"

"Definitely" Adam smirked, leaning down for another kiss.

~*~

"It suits there" Adam said when he looked at the finished painting on the wall the next day.

"It does. When you look at it, could you see was our sex slow and gentle or hard and rough?" Sauli asked thoughtfully, scratching his chin. He sees right away that it was somewhere between. 

"I _know _it was both. But I'm not sure if I could tell it by looking at the painting" Adam admitted, "But it looks beautiful"__

__"Of course it does, it's us having sex" Sauli said and wrapped his arm around Adam' waist._ _

__Adam chuckled._ _

__"Yeah. What could be more beautiful?" He asked._ _

__"I know right" Sauli grinned, sliding his hand off Adam's body but didn't forget to brush his ass as he did, "I was thinking of going to the beach tonight... Been a while since I've been there during sunset" he said as he grabbed his phone from his nightstand._ _

__"I promised to see my friends tonight... And I'd really love it if you came with me" Adam said then, making Sauli turn around and glare at him over his glasses._ _

__"Don't look at me like that. It turns me on" Adam murmured._ _

__"I love to turn you on"_ _

__"Don't change the subject!" Adam squeaked, getting on the bed and pulled Sauli closer by the belt loops of his jeans. Sauli sighed and gave in, getting on the bed as well._ _

__"I want you there. I want you to get to know my friends" Adam said and yanked on Sauli's legs, pulling him closer. Sauli nearly fell on his back._ _

__"Adaaam" He drawled, "I'm not good with big groups of people"_ _

__"You're only saying that because it's easier!" Adam said, "You claim you're bad so you wouldn't have to even try. But I'm not letting you fool me"_ _

__Sauli sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose._ _

__"I'm serious. Didn't you see me in the moving fuss?"_ _

__"Yes, I did. And you seemed to be doing just great. I think this whole 'not great with people' is only in your head to make your life more simple and avoid getting more unpleasant people in your life" Adam said confidently, "Please. For me" he added, more softly._ _

__Those big, blue puppy eyes. And that pouty lip. Is there even a way that Sauli could ever say no? Adam could ask him to pull the moon down from the sky and if he's wearing that face, Sauli would already be searching for a rope long and strong enough to do that._ _

__It's not fair._ _

__"Please" Adam said again, "It's important to me"_ _

__Sauli sighed, biting his lip. He nodded._ _

__"What was that?" Adam asked, playfully pulling on his earlobe like he wanted Sauli to say the words he didn't hear him say._ _

__"Okay! I'll come with you. Because I know it means a lot to you"_ _

__Adam grinned, attacking him with a furious hug which finally caused Sauli to fall on his back on the bed._ _

__"I knew you'd get it!" He said, "Thank you"_ _

__"I really hate that I would do anything for you" Sauli grumpled in defeat but Adam just chuckled, raising his head and pecked Sauli on the lips._ _

__Okay. A little more of that and Sauli would agree yet to another social event. Fuck._ _

__Sauli held Adam's head still and kissed him again. Adam hummed in approval and Sauli dropped his hand from his head and wrapped his arms around Adam's body._ _

__All of those months when he couldn't be with Adam like this without fearing that he'll do something wrong... It's like making up for the lost time. He can't seem to keep his hands off Adam._ _

__His hands soon found their way underneath Adam's top to feel his warm skin beneath his fingertips. He pushed the hem of the shirt all the way up beneath Adam's shouder blades, then wrapped his arms around his naked torso._ _

__Adam hummed again, grinding his hips down a bit. The sound of buzzing made him pull away._ _

__"My phone" He said, a little frustrated because of the timing, and pushed himself up to get his phone from top of the drawer._ _

__"Hello? Yes, this is him"_ _

__Sauli sat up when he heard Adam sound so formal._ _

__"I'm... That's great! I don't know what to say... Thank you. I'm so relieved to hear that"_ _

__Sauli grew even more curious but all he could do was sit still and wait like a good boy._ _

__"Thank you so much for letting me know. Okay, bye" Adam put his phone back on the drawer and looked at Sauli, a slight shock clearly visible on his face._ _

__"You okay?" Sauli asked._ _

__Adam nodded,_ _

__"They... They got him. Turns out he has had more victims, both men and women. The latest one just a few days and she got a rape kit done in the health center" Adam explained, slowly sitting back down on the bed and Sauli jumped up to hold onto him because he looked a bit shaky, "They found his pubic hair in the pubic combing and his semen from her genitals. Right now he'll be sentenced for at least 8 years in jail. If they can find more evidence to cover the rest of the victims' stories, he might get more"_ _

__"That's great news" Sauli said, rubbing Adam's shoulder, "To my mind, he deserves to have his dick chopped off and be hung by his balls"_ _

__Adam chuckled weakly, wiping his nose with the back of his hand._ _

__"Come here" Sauli whispered, pulling Adam to a gentle hug and petted the back of his head, "It's okay. Now you don't have to be so afraid. This is great news" he said and gingerly rocked Adam's body._ _

__"I couldn't have done it without you" Adam said and squeezed Sauli a little harder, "And I know you're going to go all 'mehhh I didn't really do anything' on me but you did. And if I ever hear you say that you're bad with people, Imma whoop your ass because you're the best person I have ever met"_ _

__Sauli smiled, scratching Adam's head and kissed the side of his neck. He felt a big urge to tease Adam and say exactly what he just said but he decided not to._ _

__For once, he could believe Adam and take the compliment seriously._ _

__"I love you..." He whispered instead._ _

__"I love you too" Adam said and pulled away. They shared a brief kiss before Sauli asked,_ _

__"Can I ask you something?"_ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__"Could you show me those stretches of yours again?"_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone who read and commented! I appreciate it. ❤
> 
> -ON A SIDE NOTE-  
> It's NEVER the victim's fault so don't be afraid to speak up. Catching a rapist is always easier when you report the police right away and get a rape kit done as soon as possible.

**Author's Note:**

> We'll get there. I hope.  
> I'm pushing unfinished ideas and thoughts out of my system and this (nonsense?) is what you get, lol. 
> 
> Updates come about once in a week, depending on how busy I am with my other life (yeah right like I'd have one) :)


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